About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, January 10, 2011

ODE TO BEER

I came upon this little bit of data today and I found it most upsetting. 12% of boys 13-15 in America had been drunk at least twice; whereas 33% of the lads in the UK.
I am appalled!
 Are all you American lads going to let your country get beat by a bunch of soccer playing limeys? 
Where is your pride, boys?!?
Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon!
Beer is the answer...if I could only remember the question.
Beer is the solution to and the cause of all of life's problems!
Here are some reasons that you should join the struggle.

Beer comes with cool accessories.

T-shirts can be worn to show your pride in your new hobby. 
Don't know what a keg stand is yet?
 Well, I have published a small book to educate you in the do's and do nots of this new and exciting sport.
 The book comes packed with cute illustrations.

I am not a huge fan of females drinking beer...they tend to overdo it.

It was reported that this young lady had spent the whole of the morning at her local Harper's downing enough Bud Lights to float a frigate, until she staggered outside to a real surprise.
See how silly she looks.

But, boys, when the girl finally loses consciousness, there are.....ummmm....options.

Young men, on the other hand, become very brave after just a few cans of beer.

Men who have had just one beer too many, will visit the most amazing places where they are offered a wide range of services guaranteed to please every man.

Beer helps you become an astute shopper. I bought three of these just because my special "beervision" found them so cool.
 My little nephews would have really liked them if I hadn't left them in the bathroom while I was taking a pee. Beer drinkers pee A LOT. But be warned..

Beer drinkers do things that other people never even think of doing...without embarrassment!!

This beer drinker probably has no idea why everyone is staring at him....which is good....right?

Family reunions are always a good time to show off your beer drinking prowess. Just remember rule #1: everyone loves a good laugh, especially if it involves you dropping your pants...except grandma.

Beer drinkers think up the most ingenious solutions to problems, such as this truck that is held together entirely with duct tape.

It is a known fact that beer gives all men excellent singing voices. This man is a United States Soldier. The government routinely pays the troops in beer, which they prefer over money.

Beer drinkers do not like to be bored. They will spend hours working on art projects that are usually not appreciated in their life time.
 I call that one "Rocks on Posts" and me and a buddy worked 18 hours straight and made it six miles before we ran out of beer and had to go home. You see?!? Sober people don't do fun stuff like that!

Beer drinkers always like to discover new and unusual place from which to urinate...the higher the better.

You will hear rumors that beer drinking makes you fat.
NOT SO!

BEER DRINKING MAKES YOU LEAN....
AGAINST DOORS, TABLES AND FRIENDS.
(That's a little beer drinker's joke, lads. You will find that hilarious after only a couple of sips)

My wife began to put photographs like this around my house as "hints" she said. So I took her advice...
And started taking acting lessons.

You should be very careful if you have one of those jobs where you wear your name on your shirt and people can actually see if you screw up...you should probably wait until you get home to begin your new hobby. 

So get on down to the store, lads!
Get some old guy to buy you a six-pack.
Do it for America!

NOTE: The old guy will not want to do this. Offer to buy him a six-pack if he will buy you one. Make sure he's old. A younger man could just run away with your money and there wouldn't be a damn thing you could do about it. But if the old man thinks it's a good idea, you may want to proceed with extreme caution. And if he invites you back to his place, you could find yourself dancing the Sing-Sing Polka before you have time to make out a will. 
Good luck!
*****

ART OF THE DAY
This is that woman who paints people to look like paintings.
 *****
NEW PRODUCT YOU MAY HAVE MISSED
How to know, as a fact, that you spend too much time in front of a computer.

CARTOON OF THE DAY 

One of my very own...

WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE SLUTS,
BUT PROBABLY AREN'T...
(Dear lads, ALL fishermen are beer drinkers)
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PS: Dear Gentle Readers, I am snowed in; my wife is snowed in NYC; there are no sports on TV; and I have six cases of beer...ice cold.  Therefore I have nothing to do BUT create posts. Thank you for your understanding.
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