I like to surround myself with people I find intellectually stimulating. I like to ask people questions...it has really helped my writing.
"Still can't believe I got away with that."
- The guy who named Lake Titicaca
My wife and I were sitting out on our deck and I said, "I love you."
She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"
I said, "It's me...talking to the beer."
There was a young man from Lahore
Whose limericks all stopped at line four.
When asked why this was,
He responded, "Because."
They now have a riding lawn mower with power steering.
I only went to Vegas once. I lost my car and, boy, were the Hertz people pissed.
I almost lost a bet the other day. A guy was telling me that a friend of his showed him how to turn off the Check Engine light on your dash. He said that you turn the key on and off three times, then stomp the accelerator seven times, then start the car. I almost bet him. Then the next day a asked a real mechanic and he said IT WAS TRUE!!! Further, the mechanic said that in some makes you turn the lights on and off three times, then the horn will toot twice all by itself, then you start your car. AMAZING!
I'm starting an office pool. Just fill in the blanks.
On __/__/__ Charlie Sheen was found _____ in a pool of _____ .
When I first married my second wife, she really wanted children, so I got a lot of sex. My secret vasectomy was the best gift I ever gave myself.
At what point does CPR become necrophilia?
I work well with others, as long as they leave me the fuck alone.
Hitler was a vegetaryan.
Get ready! Facebook is testing a system of instant ads. You type in the word "coffee" and instantly ads pop up for Starbucks, etc. How do you feel about that?
I wear a lot of Axe Body Spray, but I live in a black neighborhood and it's called "Ask" Body Spray.
Did you know that god's wife, Asherah, was edited out of the bible by the early church?
I always like to include one for my friend, Kent.
My wife's female doctor came out in the waiting room to get her and began singing the name game song:
Debbie, Debbie bo Bebbie
Bonana fanna fo Febbie
Fey fy mo mebbie..........Debbie!
Without missing a beat my wife said, "Good thing my name isn't Chuck."
One of my very own...
WOMEN WHO LOOK LIKE SLUTS,
BUT PROBABLY AREN'T....
You can't find a swing like this anymore. First they switched to rubber seats so little Johnny wouldn't bang his head. Then school and parks banned the things all together.
I think that is just another sign of our collective stupidity.
I think that swings that can actually hurt you, forces you to come to terms with basic laws of physics very quickly. You shove it away from you, it comes back and smacks you in the knee. If you move away a bit, it comes back and hits you in the face. Even the youngest child is forced to figure out why this is so.
For fear of even the slightest injury, even the seesaw is banned. I think the seesaw is an awesome learning tool that has no replacement.
I hung an old tire from a tree for my daughters. It didn't take five year old Lara three days before she figured out how to kick away from the tree, do a flip and land back on the tree feet first. She learned - among other things - that the farther she kicked out, the slower she had to spin or she out over-spin. It goes without saying, but I'm going to say it anyway, that her first failed attempts were painful. Pain is a very powerful teacher.
So, parents, buy a fucking box of bandaids and let your children experience the real world. They will thank you.