FOLIO OLIO: THURSDAY'S FUN WITH LANGUAGE

"FUN WITH LANGUAGE" is kind of like a day off for me.

Please enjoy...

Don't start a story with "This is so funny..." Be like saying "My dick is huge" before you screw. Even if you are right you sound like an asshole.

Being a politician is like being a hooker. You have to pretend to like people while you're fucking them.

Today I was at the park and saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out a knife and chase me for six blocks.

TRUE: I learned something today. Part of the United Kingdom was occupied by the Nazis during WWII. The Channel Islands including Guernsey and Jersey.

HEADLINE FROM GERMANY: One man dead, another seriously injured after falling out of tour bus window following brewery tour.

I believe that everyone else my age is old, whereas I am merely in disguise.

Who was god talking to when he said Let there be light?

TRUE: Top headline in USA Today Money section:
Less-educated could get left behind

The pope is an international alms dealer.

Try to experience some non-porn related joy today.

If we all had a bong, we'd all get along.

Did you know that the Greeks invented everything. The Romans simply improved these Greek inventions. Like the Greeks inventing sex, then the Romans came along and added women.

A lie is just a great story that someone ruins with a few facts.

Saw a bumper sticker today that I liked.
WAG MORE. BARK LESS.

The most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity...but not in that order.

Have you ever laughed so hard that no noise comes out, so you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal?

My wife told me that I apologized too much. I said I was sorry.

THE LOTTERY: A way to fund math education with a program that only makes money from poor people what are bad at math.

Wife: Where ya goin'?
Me: Out with the guys.
Wife: Which guys?
Me: THE guys, okay?
(Jeez, the way she talks you'd think I cheated on her twice.

BOOK TITLE: IN DEFENSE OF MOSES - Burning Bush or Crowd Control?
(think about that very, very carefully)

94% of single individuals who dress their pet in a sweater have not had sex in the past 23 months.

My wife thought she was getting a little overweight, so she decided to go on a diet. She broached the subject to me by saying, "Guess what I'm going to do?" I said, "Become a sumo wrestler?"

I friend suggested that I buy a Labrador for my next dog. I said, "Fuck no! Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?!?"

It's in the Ten Commandments to not take the Lord's name in vain. They don't say one way or the other about rape. So while you are raping, make sure you don't say the dude's name with a shitty attitude.

I think this is very clever....

I have learned one thing from watching so many movies on Netflix...every single time a bunch of city slickers are lost in the woods, one of them has asthma...every fucking time.

[ FARRAH FAWCETT'S MOM ]

A man's hair is never his own. It belongs to his mother, his First Sergeant and then his wife.

TRUE: A dear female friend began a story this way: "My father's middle name was Wilson, and you'll never guess who he was named after." Without missing a beat I said, "Your father was named after a fucking soccer ball?"
(she, of course, was referring to Woodrow Wilson)

The only part of love that involves the heart is when it's pumping blood to your penis.

Please take the time to read these...they are funnier than you think....

...and what kind of fucking word is "phlegm" anyway?

When my wife is out of town the dishes do pill up. I've been know to use a Tuperware lid for a plate. And if there aren't any clean dishes, I just assume I'm no hungry.