ADVISE I WOULD GIVE IF I HELD A PHOTO CONTEST

Photography with a capital P is art,

but photography with a lower case p is not.

Snapshots are not Photography. This is an example of taking a picture at just the right moment. This alone does not give it a capital P.

In art - any art - there are principals and elements that can be used to determine if a thing is well designed. This next image is very well designed, AND was taken at just the right moment, but, sadly, no P.

Images like the one above and the one below do evoke emotion, which is good...but p...

When I die I'm going to haunt the fuck out of you people.


This image is perfectly designed AND tells a story...but p... 

Ever wonder what was in the suitcase in Pulp Fiction? 
I think it was Marsellus Wallace's ass virginity.


Storytelling in pictures is most effective if children are involved. But I've never seen a P involving children...

Yesterday a homeless guy asked me for money to buy dope. I gave it to him to reward his honesty. Then later I saw him buying a sandwich with it and slapped the shit out of him for being an imposter.


Photographing man-made structures is risky, especially when, technically, anyone could go there, stand there and take the exact same image...

TRUE: Problem 1: There are lots of poor people who don't have enough to eat. Problem 2: LaGuardia Airport has lots of geese that are dangerous to airplanes.
Hmmmmmmmm.


I like this image very much. It is immaculately designed; it tells the story of obsolescence; and its details beg the eye to continue it's investigation. If not a P, then very close...

New software reveals that there are actually no women on the internet.


This photograph is didactic, has a pretty good design, but is just rather boring. There is a whole school that thinks if you just make it a black and white image, then magic will happen. No P.

TRUE: A man was arrested at the US border with iguana meat - street value: $4,500.


Decay almost always works. Check out the diagonal design, enforced by the repetitive rows of parallels - the trees above; the railroad ties below. P-.

Charges against Osama bin Laden have been dropped.
Oh, my god, he was innocent after all!


More repetition and an irressitable urge to delve deeper. Check out the upper right window reflecting another window of similar design...but lost "The Moment"...P-

A guinea pig was stolen from a front porch. Police have kicked their investigation into high Gere.


This is one of the most awesome images in the world. The artist who made is has long ago had his atoms converted into oak trees and shit...but he lives on....forever. P.

NOTE: The images on the cave are so fragile that human moisture, carbon dioxide, etc, could ruin them, so they built an EXACT replica next door for tourists. And when I say an exact replica I'm talking about laser scan shit. 


5.2 magnitude earthquake rocks Anchorage. Shaken residents trying to get their Berings Strait.


Even repulsive images can gain power with time. Remember what I said earlier about evoking emotion or pathos. This one aced it. P.

TRUE: Over 7,000 students have been accused of cheating on standardized tests in Florida.
In related news, over 7,000 students passed standardized tests in Florida.


It's interesting that if shown to someone who lives in that city, the photo would evoke nothing, since they are inured to the wonder of this "pedestrian bridge". For people in the west - P.

"Democracy is two wolves and a lamb deciding what to have for dinner. Liberty is a well-armed lamb." - Ben Franklin


I am of the opinion that any image manipulated by a computer can never, ever be given a capital P, no matter how funny....p-...

"If you really want to be happy, all you have to do is say 'I am beautiful'. So I want you all tonight to go and look in the mirror and say, 'Ralph Henry is beautiful'.


There is only one thing I detest more than staged photographs, and that is staged photographs of famous people....p- ...

I can just hear it: "You see, it's a woman (which symbolizes the human race) and I put her in an orchard (which symbolizes humans' struggle with nature) and then.....Pleeeeeeeeez!

My old friend juxtaposition can be a wonderful tool in photography. Here are four interesting examples...

None, in my opinion, P.


Now compare the last image with this one. One slight alteration and it is a whole new animal....P...

I heard today that this (now famous) image is of a boy and his girlfriend. They were attempting to run across the street and she fell. He went back to rescue her. She seems to have appreciated it.


Thing that rhymes with orange: Door hinge.


The old "Try To Explain This" technique works well in photography. I have presented many to you in the past. I offer three....none of these are P's...

The person that took this image probably thinks that it is a sure prize winner. Sentimentality is different from pathos and is quicksand to an artist.

Check out what happens prior to posing these children. Ladies and gentlemen, I offer you personality....personality that a posed group shot can never obtain...p+...

The next time you are tempted to lay down a large chunk of money for a posed, studio portrait, think of this image. This image is worth all the studio shots I have ever seen...p+...

There isn't much to say about this image, except it's one of the best examples of Photography I have ever seen.
P+

Here are two more that warrant a capital P....

And then there's this masterpiece....

NOTE: I don't have to tell you this, and I probably shouldn't, but these are the faces of homelessness in America.


TOON OF THE DAY

One of my very own....

(I'm am awful.....AWFUL!!!!)


WOMEN WHO LIKE TO TOUCH EACH OTHER'S ASS,
AND ARE PROBABLY SLUTS....

And lastly.....
I have a friend of mine at the American Legion who sometimes goes outside with me to smoke. I smoke cigarettes. It's not that we mind people joining us, but it sort of puts a crimp in our style....as it were. He thinks they just want a free toke.
So he and I have a plan. When someone follows us out he will say, "Where did you get that ear?"
Me: "It's not a whole ear; it's just part of an ear."
He: "Well, where did you get part of an ear?"
Me: "I shot a guy in the side of his face one time."
He: "What the fuck did you do that for?"
Me: "Well, I didn't mean to. I was just trying to pistol whip the son of the bitch and the gun went off. Fucked him up pretty bad, but I found half his ear on my shoulder."
He: "What did the cops say?"
Me: laugh - "He was so freaked out he told them he shot himself while cleaning his gun."
He: "Damn!"
Me: "Fuck that bastard. I didn't even drive him to the hospital."
 - By now the guys usually wander back inside. If they don't, well then the story spirals completely out of control.