FOLIO OLIO: ANIMALS THAT AMUSE ME

I think that every kid should have a dog. Further, I don't think you should be allowed to have a human child until you've raised a healthy, well-behaved dog. After, say, two years you take your dog to a meeting and if the hairy bastard doesn't behave itself then you are deemed unworthy for child rearing.
This is my daughter, Leah, with her puppies...

This one we named Moshe for the Israeli general with the eye patch.

This next image came from an article concerning a judge's ruling that pet owners could not have their own ashes buried in the Pet Cemetery with their dogs.
Anyway, one of my last dogs was named Oreo and she was a good ass dog.

This is she...

That dog would have died defending me.

Dogs, unlike any other animal, has a "Funny Gene" whose only purpose is to amuse humans....

My bartender says that his best seller is "One More".

This is probably enough of an infraction to keep this couple from having human children...

There's this old fart I see about every day at the American Legion. He's so old he has trouble filling out the sign-in sheet, so I told him just to give it to me and I would do it for him. After I finished I looked at the rather nice pen and asked him if it was his. He beamed and explained: "Yeah, I just got it today and look, it's got my name right on it. And it even clips right in your shirt pocket."
He even demonstrated the clip - the same clip that every other pen in the world has.
When I related the story to my bartender, he said, "Not funny. He has geriatric immunity."
What a wonderful phrase.

Dogs, as we all know, are very curious....

Any day that ends without me sniffing airplane glue, I consider a success.

If you don't why this man is in the dog section, it's okay, it really is....

Bad Kissing = Bad Fucking

Cats, on the other hand, must be manipulated into amusing situations...

In Poland, all dancing is Pole dancing.

This is what happens when you introduce an alien species into an environment where it finds itself with no natural enemies...

Holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head.

When it comes to natural selection, you would think that those one or two fish who didn't do this would have a better chance of survival. Think about it; these fish ball up in some misguided notion that numbers alone will save them. They swim like this for hours while the dolphin eat them by the tens of thousands - huge mouthfuls at a time. Now imagine the lone fish who didn't get the memo and swims away undetected. He alone wouldn't be worth the energy it would take to chase it down.
I like to think I'm kind like that kind of fish....

Growing up I was the only straight guy in an all gay high school. All the guys would taunt me and yell out things like "Hey, Ralph! Where are you going? To get some pussy?"

This sheep found shelter in a cave and never followed the other sheep back to the barn - and thus shearing - for four years.

I keep thinking about what my family will do with my porn collection when I've gone beyond the veil.

"Heirarchy Problems" is dog owner code for "He will chew your fucking face off".

When I was little I told people at school that my family had a donkey and all it ate was our garbage. Some of them would give me apples and shit to take home to it.

Did you know that the first computer bug was, in fact, a real moth that got in the circuitry.

I'm assuming this is to protect its feet....

TRUE: There is a couple in Canada who had a child, named it Storm and refuses to tell anyone its gender. Yeah, he/she probably won't have any issues later in life.

I once visited my sister's house where she had a few acres pond with several turtles. I told her that as a youth I was hired to shot turtle in ponds since they were a nuisance. She said, "They're for the alligators."
I had no idea what that meant and gave it a few minutes, then I said, "How could a turtle keep the alligators away?"
She said, "They don't, but when we come out and see the turtles, then we know there aren't any alligators in the pond."

WAR: Sometimes I think it's god's way of making people learn geography.

Speaking of alligators....

America's bombs are smarter than our average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.

Speaking of pools...you wake up, you notice a big ass bear in your empty pool and he can't get out....what do you do?

When you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, just do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two aspirin and Keep away from children.

I just discovered that I have a superpower. I can make people do whatever I want. Like, yesterday I jumped out of an alley and ask an old lady for her purse and she gave it to me.

It was in situations very similar to this that 90% of the curse words in the world were invented....

I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They just get all nervous and give silly answers.

He has to be the uncle ape that only comes around for a reunion....

TRUE: The nuclear meltdowns at Fukushima is being described as the biggest industrial catastrophe in the history of mankind.

The Google Les Paul playable guitar logo reduced corporate productivity calculated to be $268 million...in one day.

"Hungry?"
"No, thanks, I just ate."

One day Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube will combine to make the most time consuming website known to mankind.

Do you have any idea how hard it would be to train these two natural enemies to do this? This goes against every instinct in their bodies...