THINGS THAT HAVE ALREADY GONE OR ARE LIKELY TO GO POORLY

"Go for it, Mr. Smuckers, go for it."

I like to read War and Peace in public and use a smaller book as my bookmark.

"Do I look like a bitch, bitch?"

Speaking of muggings....and this is true...

I was cleaning out the garage today and found a gift I was supposed to give my wife last year. I was so disappointed! She would really have loved that kitten.

Yes, that is a bear in a hunter's tree stand, and no, I don't know why the hunter took the time to take out his camera...

Whenever a cashier uses a pen to check my $100 bill, I whisper, "It worked!" just loud enough for her to hear.

Snakes create more than their share of poor outcomes...

Superficial people can suck my hypothetical dick.

A great way to relieve the stress of final exams is by cheating.

I have a nephew who shoots deer from his back porch.

This isn't him.

Times are so bad, my wife has started selling my porn  on EBay.....by the cord.

(if you don't know what a cord is, that joke won't be near as funny)

Everybody loves the story of how my wife and I met. We leave out the part about us rolling in ecstasy. 

Look, I don't care WHAT comes out of my commode, if my bathroom looks like this I will not put it on the internet.

It takes 12 muscles to smile.

It takes 11 muscles to frown.

It takes 0 muscles to not give a fuck.

Good girls may go to heaven, but bad girls go wherever the fuck they want.

Kids grow up so fast nowadays.....

I sometimes type "Sent from my iPhone" at the bottom of my emails even though I don't even carry a cell phone.

(I used to think it was pronounced IN-YOU-EYE)

Life's like a box of chocolates.

Doesn't last very long for fat people.

Be careful what you wish for...

TRUE: A lad's senior yearbook quote: I'm joining the army to meet muslim chicks.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

My car remote died and I had to insert my key into the lock like some kind of goddamn animal!

I made the mistake of telling my young daughter that "everyone was beautiful on the inside" and "beauty is only skin deep" on the same night, and she called me on it.
Yeah, try and explain your way out of that shit.

I'm going to leave this without comment...

 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I think it's nice that Voldemort always waits until the end of the school year to try and kill Harry. He must really value education.

Speaking of women who are going to be pissed off at you...

(you might as well give up on that whole sandwich making thing for a year or so)

POLICEMAN: How high are you?

ME: No, officer, it's "Hi, how are you"?

I haven't slept for five days........cause that would be too long.

There are phrases that young people use that they don't really know what they mean. For instance:

Don't touch that dial.

Pen pals.

Hang up on somebody.

Tomorrow's weather will be a carbon copy of today's.

You sound like a broken record.

Roll down the window.
And these same people will never know the pleasure of finding quarters in the coin slot of a pay phone.

Masturbation gives you endorphins.
Endorphins make you happy.
Happy people don't shoot total strangers.
So, be kind to yourself, gentle readers......for them.

"Quick, people could die! What do we do, chief?"
"Put up a sign...and make it at least 8x10."

Me sarcastic??
Never.

Sometimes I pretend to be normal, but it gets boring.

Oh, look, somebody's little snowflake didn't get enough hugs....and, daddy, it's all your fucking fault....

I have seen hundreds....thousands of photographs of wrecked cars in various unusual places, therefore I don't even post them anymore. However, this one clearly shows how this happened.

If I knew how to do Photoshop, this is the sort of thing I would do...

Dear Ladies,

If you don't know why this next one is a most awesome fucking picture, ask your husband.

Sincerely,

A husband

The moment you declare a set of ideas to be immune from criticism, satire, derision, or contempt...Your freedom of thought becomes impossible.

- Salman Rushdie

Believe it or not, I have a young friend who not only can tell me exactly what kind of sub this is, but can probably tell me if this photo is bogus or not. 
Aaron, the ball is on your side of the court.

Look at the kid's face...

I'm starting a new short story. I've only got the first line:

"Her heart is colder than my dog's nose."

What do you think?

Speaking of....

If there's one thing I hate, it's losing.

If there's two things I hate, it's losing and getting cancer.

If you are married to a blonde, raise your glass.

If not, raise your standards.

TOONS ABOUT THINGS GOING SOUTH...

One of my very own...

NAKED TOTAL STRANGERS DEALING WITH MOISTURE...

GOOD ADVICE FROM AN OLD MAN


Too many people, mostly women, in America allow Madison Avenue to dictate how they should think about themselves.

Please remember that this is your life. Someone else's expectations should not have so much control over how you feel about yourself, especially if the expectations are given to you simply to separate you from your money.
"I am fat" is a ridiculous statement. You "have" fat. My weight does not define me and neither does yours define you.


Now, take a look at this image.

Does this repulse you? If so, why? Who told you that it was ugly? You don't know? So what you are telling me is that someone you don't know made up a cultural imperative and you just accept that without question?
I say that your repulsion to pit hair says a whole lot more about you than it does about this beautiful woman.
And my money is on us being manipulated by the people who make the razors and the chemical hair removers.
Therefore, I reject it out of hand. It's pure poppycock.

Just one more thing....make sure you don't get murdered tonight.