PLANT, ANIMAL, OR MINERAL

PLANT

What do you think this is made of? Matches was my guess.

Went into my favorite bar today and said "Wing me, Seymour." The bartender had never heard of the movie.

"If you fall, I'll be there for you."
- Floor

It's so cold that I'm willing to have sex outside my weight class just for the body heat.

Remember, tomorrow is 'Hug a Dumbass Day', so don't freak out like you did last year. Nobody is trying to hurt you.

I'm so poor I rub cologne from magazines on my shirt, and when someone asks me what it is I say, "Page 25."

Ya'll enjoy your redwood picnic table, you hear...

That moment when you go to sleep alone...
And wake up with a girl in your bed...
And then you discover she's ugly...
And then you discover it's a man!
And you're in jail!
Then you wake up and realize it was all a dream...
Then you remember you're at work!
And your boss is right beside you!
And you are fired and now homeless....
Then you say, "Can't get any worse than this."
And it starts to rain.........




ANIMAL


I've painted more shit like this than you can possibly imagine...

Domatophobia is a major problem when you're a wall.

I don't want to be buried in a pet cemetery.

Something you will never hear a man say:
"The dog? No, that was me."

We are all but a product of unprotected sex.

What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.

I said to my wife, "How about a blowjob."
She said, "Couldn't you be just a little more romantic about it?"
I said, "How about a blowjob in the rain."

I like saying "No pun intended" for no apparent reason.
Like someone says, "My, it's cold." And I say, "It sure is...no pun intended."

As anyone who has searched for "Santorum" on the web knows by now, one of the Republican hopeful's more unusual handicaps is that his last name was "Google-bombed" eight years ago by Dan Savage, a gay journalist, after Mr Santorum made some particularly poisonous remarks about homosexuals. Mr Savage's website defines "santorum" to be a particularly icky mix of bodily secretions and anal lubricants.

There is a "getting the bugs out" joke in here somewhere...

TRUE: PETA wants to put memorials on the roads where cows have died.

MINERAL

A very smart person I know used the term "Blew Dried" for the past tense of Blow Dry.
She also explained that she had to buy a car that fit her dog; meaning her dog is huge and it needed space for roadtrips.


Marvelous....

This is a device to keep weight off your heels.

This is a Beware of the Dog sign in Pompeii.

Further, Rome had the very first apartment buildings and each building had a guard dog. Now every guard dog in the world are descendants of these dogs.


TRUE: At the American Legion the other day, someone yelled, "Watch your fucking language" to warn us that a woman had come in.


The sculpture is awesome...but what the fuck does it mean?

What if our normal vision is restricted and acid lets us see everything the way it is?

Bombardment by micrometeorites will wipe away footprints and other traces of man's Apollo exploration on the moon's surface, possibly as soon as 10 million years from now.

(operative words: "as soon as".

What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild? 
No. A $100 bill.

The guy on the left looks very much like I did when I was his age...

I used to tell my daughters that a fart is a wish your butt makes, therefore nothing to be ashamed of. 
I bet she was the life of the teenage parties.


I kind of like some religions...like the ones where you just sit on your ass and think about shit.

Can't you just smell this and feel the coolness?

TOONS TO AMUSE...

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

And now an admission. I really don't deal with how many people look at my blog all that often, but I did tonight. I was amazed at the number of people all over the world who clicked me open...so to speak.

Then I found a little tab on my Stats file that showed what search words in Google, Yahoo, etc were entered to find Folio Olio and I clicked it. I found that today the search topics that led people to Folio Olio were:

Well, that will knock the bullshit wind out of the blogger's sails I'll tell you. 

By the way....That would be absolutely hilarious if it weren't absolutely true....I mean, WEIRD JEWELRY?!?!?!

E-FUCKING-LEVEN fucking people are now viewing my blog because they searched for weird fucking jewelry?!?!?

AND THEN THERE'S THIS....

From what I learned from my exploration of my blog status tabs, I could probably get a lot more hits with just a few more tag words. So here it goes. I will use white font so as not to offend you.

1. NAKED TATTOOS HORSES

2. TATTOO HAMSTER

3. SLUT TATTOO JEWELRY

4. SICK SON OF A BITCH BITCH WITH TATTOO

5. SLUT JEWELRY TATTOO

6. HORSE FUCKING TATTOO

7. SUCKING A DOG'S DICK

8. BALLS IN A MEAT GRINDER TATTOO

9. PREGNANT WOMAN IN A FOURSOME

10. BITING A NIPPLE CLEAN OFF

11. TAKING THE LOG LIKE A REAL WOMAN

12. LOOK WHO FORGOT THE LUBRICATION

13. TAKING IT UP THE NOSE

14. TAKING IT IN THE EAR

15. ONE LEGGED MAN DOES ONE ARMED WOMAN

16. TATTOOED DICK

17. TATTOOED CLITORIS 

Now let's see what happens.

WOMEN WITH TATTOOS LOOKING LIKE SLUTS, BUT PROBABLY AREN'T....

I taught these three people in grade school. Ethan just got back from Afghanistan. Love them all.