LET'S TALK ABOUT ME, SHALL WE?

If I have a philosophy in life it is this:
Life is better when you're laughing.
Laugh often, long and loud.
Laugh until you gasp for breath.
And if you have a friend who makes you laugh,
spend lots and lots of time with them.

You never have to play it straight. For instance, my wife and I went to our favorite Pizza place. No chain stores for us. We go to Dano's; an Italian from New York. Anyway, they have one white house wine and two reds....I ordered the wine in a basket and they all laughed even though they knew I wanted Chianti.


I've been thinking lately about the separation of church and state....which I find hilarious that we are even having this conversation in 2012...

(I got this off the internet, so I have no idea if he actually said this)


I watched a movie named Franklyn. It was set in futuristic London where a law mandated that you have a religion, but it didn't specify which religion. So there was a religion based on washing machine instructions, one called "Seventh Day Manicurists", and many, many more.
Watching what is going on in America makes me think that such a notion is not far off the mark.
Religion is considered true by the masses.
False by the wise man.
Useful by the government.


It's the usefulness of it by the government that concerns me most.


Claiming that someone else's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet.

It's insane, people. Why can't we just stand up and call it insane?

Religion's influence on government gives us whole programs that don't work, will never work, but it makes believers feel good.....but it costs me money..... 

I lay the "War on Drugs" squarely at the feet of organized religion. Now we have many, many more (by factors of 10)  people in jail but not one less ounce of drugs. But somehow it makes the holy feel more holy.


A good comeback to a stupid argument:
Your mother has an ugly orgasm face.

I always ask myself "why" I am being asked to do things. If the answer is "Because that's what everybody else does", then you can count me out.
(Now don't get silly and suggest that I could choose to not drive on the right side of the road....you know that's not what I mean.) 

Life is so much more interesting if you give up that old peer pressure sameness by the time you graduate from high school.


The last time I filled out the form at my dentist's office I came to the line "Alcoholic drinks per day", and I wrote NOYFB.
(it starts off with none of your...)


TRUE: I have a friend who has stopped coming to the bar everyday as he used to......for thirty years. We are planning a group intervention to get him to start drinking again.
Further, I know a guy who fell hauling two gallons of vodka up his front steps. He took a header right on the broken bottle and fucked his face up. He stopped at the liquor store for two more replacement gallons before he drove himself to the emergency room.

I like fucking with the system. 
Remember favorite quote: Rules are not made to be broken; rules are made to break you.
Write that shit down, folks. It could save your life.


I once knew a very smart senior in high school who was applying for a scholarship at several very good colleges. I told her that the one hole in her resume was sports....she had never played sports.

So a plan was cooked up. She and her likewise sportless friends went to a coach at their school and asked to start a fencing club. He knew nothing about fencing, so he just dug out the equipment, found some booklets of the rules and more or less left them alone to their own devices. 
Without one single tournament or even match, she was listed as the President of the Fencing Club in her yearbook and on her now pristine resume.


Sometimes I like to stand staring at the toaster and try not to flinch when the toast comes out.




On a more serious note, I hate violence. And when that violence comes from the very people who we hire to protect us, then I get irate.

Violence against women is the most unmanly thing a man can do.

I think I have done a good enough job with my two daughters that they would never, ever put up with being slapped around....

Unless, of course, she's into some kind of kinky headmaster I've been naughty thing....

TRUE AS SHIT:  I dream jokes. I've done it several times. The last one had me having to cross a PETA picket line at Bojangle's Chicken and one of the protesters yelled, "Do you know how many chicken have been sacrifried by Bojangle's today?!?!"
Yes, I invented the word "sacrifried" in my sleep.
Another had to do with another language oddity. Can you made a normal sentence just by adding words before or after these words, but not in between them:
"WILL WILL WILL WILL WILL"?
I'll give you a minute....answer later.


President Obama personally pinned the Purple Heart on this soldier who lost both legs in Afghanistan. I think he deserves one for each leg....but maybe that's just me....

But it's not only the soldiers who pay a price.
This young man was surprised by is brother's early return from the front.

I had a daughter serving in a war zone. I know exactly what that does to your head....every fucking hour of every fucking day.

I am not a pacifist. I wanted to kick Afghanistan's ass as much or more than anyone else. But Iraq?

Nation fucking building after we just spent a fucking fortune blowing it all up? Are we insane?

WILL WILL WILL WILL WILL
(remember, I dreamed this)
What if there was a grandfather, a father and a son all named Will. The question is if the dead Will is going to leave one of the other Will's the dead guy's house.
Let's change the names and stuff and give it a go.
Will George will John Will Jr'. House.
Well, it worked for me.

Today I heard one eye witness account after another that stated that during the tornado they prayed and the Lord saved them.

Do you know how stupid that is? What about the other motherfuckers who were also praying their ass off and got ripped apart anyway?

By any factor you could possibly measure, there is NO benefit to praying. Between prayers and non-prayers, the exact same percentage of people get cancer, get blown away by storms, are shot in a robbery, lose children, etc. But nothing can convince those who pray that it is futile......NOTHING.
Let me show you a picture of what is possible with blind faith...

The country has forgotten that one of the greatest skills we can give our kids is critical thinking.....how to formulate meaningful questions, identify pertinent data and determine fallacies and biases. Forgotten is the wrong word; we have been dumbed down on purpose.

Today I heard a TV news guy comment on an image like this and said, (I swear) "My, that is eerily similar to the pictures coming out of southern Alabama."
HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! 

But even in tragedy there is some humor to be dug up....both figuratively and literally.....

I love roadtrips. I like having no set time to get there and not even knowing where you're going. Lonely back roads are unbeatable. 

I do not like cats.  Cats do not like me.

I am a University of South Carolina Gamecock fan. 

I wish them well.

And having as a mascot a forbidden, outlawed animal is just a bonus.

Fuck people who do this shit....

This guy was struck by lightning.

I find images like that fascinating.


I also like learning something new every day. Today I learned that the earth doesn't, in fact, orbit the sun. Rather they both orbit a point of common mass.
For example, if two objects of the same mass orbit one another, they both orbit a point half way between the two. If one object is more massive than the other, then they orbit a point closer to the more massive.....like balancing a teeter board.


I've always wanted to have my computer set up in front of a window like this at a beach....any beach.....

TOONS TO AMUSE....

(I read somewhere that the men back then shaved their heads because of lice. The powder in their wigs kept them away)

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

 WOMEN THAT I WOULD LIKE TO BE ON THE LIST OF SUSPECTS DURING THEIR NEXT PREGNANCY SCARE.....

AND LASTLY....

Let me leave you with a great piece of advice:

NEVER PLAN A MURDER OUT LOUD.