SO MUCH ODDNESS, SO LITTLE TIME

I love to stumble upon oddness. Most of these speak for themselves, but may leave more questions than answers. Enjoy.....

"I'll have what the man on the floor's having."

Whoever said anything was possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.

I procrastinate so much I procrastinate the actual procrastination.

Sometimes I'm not sure if the person in the car behind me is screaming or singing.

Have you ever had a thought that was so weird that you looked around to make sure no on could read your mind?

Well, I outdid myself today. I cut my hand on a taco.

Women don't let such things as common sense ruin their argument.

Today I will not be critical of me.

That awkward moment, when you come home, look in the mirror and think.....Did I look like this all day?




If you didn't see the Oscar's, then this will make no sense...

You should never tell a girl she's crazy unless you want to see crazy.

How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just beat the room for being black.

If people in horror movies listened to me they would still be alive.

Sometimes I give blood just so I can get drunk faster.

It's been 7 seasons, over 152 episodes, and the audience still doesn't know how the fuck he met their mother.

Yes, this man did this just to have an odd driver's license photo....

But what I find odder is that the word "license" is misspelled......except in Canada. I just looked it up and "licence" is cool in England, and I assume Canada.

You know it's going to be a great story when it starts of with "So this bitch...."

I should just change my voicemail greeting to "Please hang up and email me."

I hate racism. I could never be a racist. I haven't finished hating all the fucking white people yet.

TRUE: Emailed a dear friend about another friend who was going through a rough time. He replied, "I don't know him as well as you, but he's one of those people who bring something to the table."
In my opinion, that is a supreme compliment. 

NEVER RUN WITH SCISSORS
(those last two words were unnecessary)

Sarc: my second favorite -asm.

Dear Sleep,
I know we had problems when I was younger...but were are cool now...right?

Poor grammar makes me [sic].

You know the game where you look for shapes of animals and such in the clouds? Well, you can do that with armpit stains of the people on the bus.

I keep a diary just to keep some secrets from my computer.

A fart is a wish your butt makes.

He now lectures about the dangers of drinking and driving.


If you tickle me, I'm not responsible for your injuries.

What if toothpaste is meatballs spelled backwards?

When I was a kid, I slept with a nightlight to keep away monsters who are scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

I wonder if anyone gives up being Catholic for Lent.

The best relationship advice I can give you is to make sure you are the crazy one.

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar.
It was tense.

I put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning, and now I can see noises.

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

Two conversations between people and their insurance agents that I would love to hear....

I got arrested today for feeding the homeless guys on the street. And to top it off they broke my potato cannon. 

The best place to break up with your girlfriend is in a blowup bounce house. Everything is padded, there are no sharp objects allowed, and no one can be sad in a bounce house.

ODD TOONS TO AMUSE....

 ONE OF MY ODDER ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

RATHER ODD EROTICA......