TUESDAY

My most trusted advisor told me that some of my posts are very long. I reminded her (and will remind you) that what you see is one day of gleaning interesting (hopefully) things from the ether. Expect variations in length.....and quality.

TRUE: I walked out of my lunchtime bar today, then remembered a joke I wanted to tell a couple of the other regular diners. But one of them was in the foray talking on the phone, so when I walked back in I nodded for him to return to his table, pointed to myself and mouthed 'I have a joke'. I waited a few minutes, then he came back in and asked what was the matter with me. I said I have a joke. He laughed and said, "Oh, I thought you said you were choked!"

So I just looked at him and said, "So you just kept talking on your fucking phone?!?!"

Anyway, here's the joke.

(I may have already written this, but couldn't find it)

I walked up to the counter at the drugstore and told the clerk I needed 50 condoms. Two teenage girls behind me started giggling, so I turned to them and said, "Make that 52."

Making your spouse laugh. It's like rule #1.

TRUE: One of my wife's stores is for charity, so they get a lot of volunteers to help out. One young college girl works for $25 ever 10 hours. The stores manager said she didn't know the girl's major and I said, "It certainly isn't mathematics."

TRUE: The word of my new one dollar bill sculpture is spreading and everybody that hears of it gives me a few one dollar bills so they can say they had a part of it.
I find that cool as fucking shit.




Man scents....

My dog once looked at me with an expression that said, "Stop trying to make fetch happen. It's not going to happen."

My friend got me one of those mustache shirts....

Whenever I get peeved I just say Fuck this shit, and get naked.

A photographer specializes in taking pictures of people with high-pressure air on their faces...

TRUE: It has gotten so bad that some cities ticket people for texting while walking...

You think anybody told her she's doing it wrong?

Ah, the memories....

More book sculptures.....

If you're ever sad or depressed or self conscious about yourself, just remember there are people out there who masturbate to fictional ponies on a kids' TV show and you're not one of them.
(unless you are, then I apologize)

This woman was rushed to the hospital after accidentally swallowing her tooth brush.

I called my brother for a name to give my Montagnard character in a book. He gave me Nguyen.

Guy has hundreds of photos of model ships on bed sheets. That is all.

I have a theory about this....of course....

I was born in the middle of September. I was two weeks late. All of my life my mom told me I was my dad's New Year's Eve celebration.
Evidently, I'm not alone.
Seriously, the cluster of high births occur 9 months after the heavy holiday months....Thanksgiving, New Years and Christmas. Think about all the servicemen, truck drivers, airline pilots, etc, (men who are away from home much of the time) and most of them will be home for at least one of those holidays.

Well, of course it is....

I never believed in beating my kids, so I just sent them to school dressed weird so the other kids would do it for me.

For art to exist, for any sort of aesthetic activity to exist, a certain physiological precondition is indispensable: intoxication.

Copernicus called. You are not the center of the universe.

Ya'll really ought to start writing this shit down...

And he never even called her in the morning...

This kid has life figured out already.....

Two pages from a Japanese English book.....supposedly....

My rabbit died yesterday. Now he's just some bunny that I used to know.

Has your dog died? Worried about the size of your penis? Found out your wife is bi? starting to find animals sexually attractive?
Remember: The more you drink the less you worry.

Exercise, done regularly, helps you die healthy.

??????

There's a skinny man inside me begging to get out.
I can usually shut the bastard up with a pizza and a 12 pack.

Smoking weed with my child made me smile.

Just some migrating sting rays....

A seeing-eye pony.....true.....

100% of non-smokers die.

He must smell my dolphin....

Sometimes I put a tissue on my penis and pretend it's a ghost.

Let's all take a minute and be thankful that spiders can't fly.

How weird would it be if whales didn't need to live in the ocean and they just dragged themselves along the ground; meandering around everywhere, and we had to deal with all that whale shit....can you imagine the size of cheap plastic glove you would need?

Game of Thrones reminds me of Twitter....140 characters and terrible things are constantly happening.


Posted this before, but look at #6 - Fall From Height.
How could the agony level be 17 if you die instantly?
Do they count the falling part? Then why not the holding the gun to you head part?

I think everyone should do this at least once in their lives.

Have you been reading the stats on birth rates in Europe?

Every fucking time.

Someone is about to have a very bad day...

I would love to hear this child's logic, seeings how NATO has deterred WWIII for 60 years....

Beautiful photos of that eclipse.....

And in Japan....

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!