WEDNESDAY

My, my, what have we here....

This is a pretty big deal, folks....

Andy is dead.

 I can remember when reruns came on when my wife and I normally ate our supper. As soon as it started we would say things like, "Oh, great, this is the nip it in the bud episode."

Most people don't know that the two first episodes had Andy as the baffoon and Barney as...well, a normal guy.
Andy realized the error and changed it.


What's easier to pick up the heavier it gets?
Women.


That last blue quip is actually a segue to two stories about my wife.
Apparently, her grocery cart driving is no more proficient than her automobile driving. Case in point:
My wife began to steer her cart down an aisle when, in front of her, she heard the teenage daughter of the mother shopping say, "Hurry up, mom, here comes that old woman!" When my wife looked around, she discovered that she was the only other person on the aisle. 
As my wife approached, the mother apologized, and my wife laughed it off, but it cut like a knife.
Which, I found fucking hilarious.
Story two has to do with the homeless woman who mysteriously appears on my back porch many mornings. My wife has contacted all the assistance agencies and found her a roof to sleep under and other assistance. Their rule is that she must take her medication daily, which is a good thing....a very good thing.
So the other morning my wife, wanting to slip the woman a few bucks, reached into her wallet and handed the poor woman what my wife thought was a twenty. Upon hearing the woman's gasp, my wife looked and discovered that she had, in fact, handed her a hundred.
Quick as lightning my wife yanked the hundred from the deformed woman's disfigured hand, replacing it with a twenty....apologizing only marginally. Upon hearing the story, I could only imagine the highs and lows of that woman's emotions that both occurred in less than ten seconds.
Moral of the story? Stay in school and don't go crazy.

 This is me when my wife tells me I have to do something I don't want to do....

 This is me when she then whispers, "Please."

(I don't want to brag, but I thought that was fucking hilarious and I constructed it myself...being a husband and all.)


He: What are you doing Saturday night?
She: Committing suicide.
He: What about Friday night?

It's a beautiful world....

I love my computer because that's where my friends live.

When people call me weird, I take it as a supreme compliment....and that is true.

The human face and happiness....

I hate it when I lose my white friends in the snow.

The passive/aggressive personality....

When I first discovered Youtube, I didn't leave my computer for five days.

Scientists have discovered that people will believe anything when you say that scientists have discovered it.
(you might want to read that again)

There's a new app for putting away your phone and paying attention to the people you are with. It's call "Respect".

 (he kind of looks like our Chief Justice Roberts, doesn't he?)

That awkward moment when my doctor is checking my balls for a physical and I run my fingers through her hair.

Darwin and ape print....

....made out of the entire text of Origin of the Species...

One thing I admire about Hitler...he never took shit from magicians.

I've done shit like this....

Don't be sexist. Bitches hate that.

The war was won by solving some very difficult logistics problems....fact....

I'm afraid that the Summer Olympics will seem ultra lame if there's not even kids killing each other for food.

This looks so alien until you think of the Israelis when the Scuds were falling....

Humanity....what can I say?


I want Pluto to be a planet again.

Very good advice: Never eat honey before meeting Mr. Bear....

Guess how I knew I was dating a French Horn player?
    How?
Every time we kissed she stuck her hand up my ass.

Pakistan officials, yet again, crushing liquor bottles....

It should give you pause when your wife says, "Don't worry, it happens to a lot of men."
The key words there is "a lot".......a.....fucking......lot?
That's more than a dozen...right......right?

At least he has a sense of humor about it...

Want to get out of a boring conversation? Just put a pained look on your face and say, "That was SO not a fart."

Shit like this happens so often in Russia that it's no longer funny....

(that's what happens when you put the mafia in charge)


When someone is topping me in an argument, I counter with, "Oh, yeah? Well, Pocahontas never went to college."

Disturbia.....

If you are good at something, never do it for free.

This morning I dreamed I woke up dead...which is just plain silly.

Just hangin' out...You?

Which sexual position do you think produces the ugliest children?

This is very, very good advice on multiple levels...

 I've actually invested some of my money in our local market's purchase of a larger building. If you don't know why that is a good idea, it's okay...it really is.

(I didn't know that)

The power of the interweb; man makes a funny video of people tripping coming out of this subway stop and it goes viral....

 Come to find out, the top step was slightly higher than the rest. Within a week the stop was closed for repairs.

A heated butter knife...

What a great idea....I mean that.

If you don't know why this is funny, it's okay, it really is...

The most important thing I learned in high school was that studying high, then taking the exam high does not necessarily lead to high grades.

TRUE:  I was sitting at an outdoor cafe yesterday and a well-groomed tall black guy wearing a "Salvation is Free" T-shirt and carrying a bible walked by. When he was abreast with me he looked down and said, "Goddamn it's hot!"

The other day I caught my wife reading "Extradition Polices Around the World." 
Think I should be nervous?

Odd Soviet weapon...

I would like to meet the person who wrote this....we were probably separated at birth....

There is a planned mission to land a probe on Saturn's frozen moon, Europa. The probe will melt through the ice into the ocean below, then settle to the bottom and search for alien life. If past events are any indication, it will settle directly into an alien trailer park, and none of the other aliens will believe them.

One does what one has to do...

My wife and I go together like chicken and a chicken container.

Now that summer is here I broke out my wife's suntan lotion roller, extension handle and tray.

I have taken pictures of naked women. I know how difficult it is to talk them into certain......poses. I would love to hear how she was talked into this.....

My bet goes to drugs and alcohol.

DAMN!

 It's all about speed, boys and girls.....speed.

Let's suppose that I didn't leave my baby out in the back yard unattended. Let's suppose she's on the porch and one of these wonder into my neighborhood. It would be dead, fine or no fine. I will do everything in my power to keep my child from becoming a meal.

Riots: just another reason to thank the 2nd Amendment...

(I have a Remington just like that)

What if I really am the 1,000,000th visitor?

I find this fucking hilarious....

I see no reason to act my age.

Fuckin' with textbooks like a boss....

Life is for living; not living right.

Mathematician says this is the world's hardest Suduko...

You decide...if you want.