About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Friday, August 10, 2012

FRIDAY 8/10/12




Wall Street firm, Knight Capital, lost $440 million in less than an hour because of a "minor" computer glitz. It was microseconds slow.
This is another example of firms with massive computer power making millions of buys and sells a minute, a game in which you and I are not allowed to play. I would further suggest that the game is so rigged that the winner has already been declared before the rest of us are even allowed on the field. And it's all perfectly legal....for now.


His mother must be proud...


"I have a full bag of chips," said absolutely no one ever.




Well, you live in America now. Drop that medieval, silly ass getup which shouts to everyone that you consider yourself "different" and apart from the rest of us....

This is the way I looked while watching US Women's Soccer victories....
That's pretty much true, folks.

You heard about this shit? Those silly, silly people...


US Olympics.....
Say what you like about nature vs. nurture, but I am of the opinion that certain "races" are better at certain things than others. I need not take the time to explain that, but here's the point.
The United States is full of people from all over the world. It could be argued that we have an amalgam of the best traits of all races, whether it be speed, tallness, agility, or whatever.
And that should make us proud.


Maybe if she had done this more often, Bill would have kept his cigar out of the intern....


No more fucking commercials before the movies I pay my money to see!!!! And by commercials I mean previews, which is just a commercial for other movies.



I just went to my favorite porn site and typed in "Gymnast porn" and was absolutely amazed! Do you have any idea what two young healthy people are capable of doing while dangling from a pair of those hanging rings? Yeah, I didn't think so.

They say a dog is a man's best friend, but I don't even have mortal enemies who will look me dead in the eye while taking a shit on my carpet.




Pah-leeeez.....
That reminds me of a scene from my gymnast porn research.

The last day of the Olympics should feature all the gold medalists playing dodgeball until there's an ultimate champion.

 Where are the fucking women, NASA?......Well?

Take up weightlifting, they said...
It will be fun, they said.

Why spotters are important.
They are the first ones there to tell you to walk it off when you land on your fucking head in front of the whole goddamn village....including your girlfriend who promised you second base if you won.

This is how I look when I get behind someone ordering for the whole office.....

Just Katherine Hepburn skateboarding....


We are counting the days, you magnificent bastard...


Why do liquor stores wrap your purchase up in a discreet brown paper bag....like it's something to be ashamed of? They should use a pink paper bag with happy faces......and the number of the cab company.



A dear friend is a retired English teacher and she's always doing this to me...
My favorite discovery along those lines was "TAG APPLIED FOR", instead of "APPLIED FOR TAG" (the omitted "I've" being understood).

Do you know what that thing is on the bottom of the string?
 It's called a plumb bob and it helps you establish plumb vertical. It's very old and some of them you can buy today are very, very beautiful. I have a solid brass one that looks like a work of art.

Because there are parts of the human body that are so nasty, so vile, so evil that they must never, ever be seen by mere mortals!
Dear Censors,
Fuck you.
Sincerely,
Everyone with a fucking brain.

As I understand it, Superman only has to think of flying and he flies. What about at night when he dreams of flying?

This is not one of my new sculptures, but I should have thought of it...


I bet the YMCA dance is a lot harder to do in Chinese.

This is not all that funny, folks. I just included it because I find myself armed with a Super Soaker in my quest to drive all those murdering feral cats from my property.


Eugene Polley, the inventor of the TV remote, has died. In accordance with his wishes he will be buried between two sofa cushions.



I would so use this if someone gave it to me....


I know a Harley rider. He gets on it and rides 500 or 600 miles a day until he ends up in places like Montana. 
Yeah, go figure.

It must be a source of great consolation to starving people in Africa that those of us who have enough to eat, despite being full, think of them, then eat even more than is reasonable.
Thanks for the advice, mom.


 So let me, at least, sound off. I want the United States of America to cease ALL military action all over the world.
Just so there's no misunderstanding - I think most of our wars are fought for the profit motive of corporations. And don't get me started on "Nation Building", which is a fucking joke.

I wonder if that's true.

No, thanks. I'll just pee in the fake tree planter out in the hall, thanks...


The rules of the game Pictionary are rather straightforward. You draw a picture, then if your teammates knows it, you win. If they don't know it, you point repeatedly at the same picture until the time runs out.


I can assure you that the person asking that stupid fucking question did not get the joke.....I'll lay money on it.

The importance of taking timely turns....
(look at everyone laughing!)

Yes, America, we have all gone completely insane...


I was in the middle of one of my best sexual performances ever, when an earthquake hit and threw me off the bed and almost woke my wife.


I love that guy's face. He and I could drink a lot of beer together.

Can you imagine the amount of chaos you could cause by replacing all tampons with party poppers?
(that's a visual joke, folks, give it a minute)




I wasn't planning on going for a run today, but those cops came out of nowhere.



I'm always wanting to know who made up the rules we all feel compelled to follow...well, I've found him...

Remember, people, this is exactly how that happened. We didn't vote, it makes no sense, and it's less comfortable and more time consuming. Yet no one (except me and a guy named Floyd down in Alabama) seems to care. "Because everybody else does it" is NEVER a reason; it's an indication of your lack of problem solving skills.

I don't get the gag.....and neither does my brother....or cousins on my father's side of the family.

Normalcy...no need to look here...

The sanity ball is in your court, America....

Busch?!?! Nobody drinks Busch unless they are on parole...

Behind the scenes of Pink Floyd's "The Wall".....

One of my very own...

Are you sure humans were meant to live like this?

Four funniest men in the world looking unfunny....

Came across a photo essay of the poorest county in America. This young couple plans to take their new son to their high school prom.
It's in Appalachia, by the way. Average income: $14,000.
This is where they live.
And if they wash all that shit at one time, where the fuck are they going to put it?

Did you know that every once in a while they just stop a warship and everybody goes swimming? It's true.

One must find shade where one finds shade...


Constipation: Making you appreciate the formerly unappreciated.



GODDAMN! Is that the saddest looking family you've ever seen! Looks kind of like that Appalachian couple's family, don't it?


My bartender once asked a guy who we hadn't seen in a while if his son still had Down Syndrome. I said, "No, he walked it off."


?????


When was the last time you read the ingredients label?



A buxom woman caught me staring at her boobs, saying, "What are you looking at?!?"
I said, "I just wonder if you feed the homeless with those things."



Another one of my very own...

If you don't think this is the coolest thing you've seen all week, then you need an attitude adjustment....


A "clapper" on the bedroom light is cool. Mine doubles as a strobe when the wife and I are having sex.



Look, a leftover dinosaur in a very deep lake is more believable to me than a rib woman who took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Ran across this. He looks exactly like a friend of mine...even the bib overalls. It's fucking uncanny is what it is.....
(entered later - I emailed this photo to my friend. He emailed back that he couldn't remember ever being in a cemetery with a weed-eater......HE EVEN THOUGHT THAT IT WAS HIM!!!)

They say that drowning and freezing to death are the nicest ways to go...euphoric even. 
I wonder how the fuck they know that.


The sooner the better, darlin', cause his wife just showed up.

If I stop my car so you can walk across the street, I better see some hustle out there. Knees to chest, lady, KNEES TO FUCKING CHEST!




Guy hipsterizes famous people...

This took me longer than it should have....


I have a friend who works with an American Muslim who on occasion says, "Goddamn it!"
So, my friend began saying, "Allah damn it!" and the guy didn't get angry.
I found that interesting.


"Are you my mother?"
"No. I'm your father."

I go to costume parties in my normal clothes, and when someone ask me what I came as, I say, "A pretentious prick."
When they say, "I don't get it," I say, "That doesn't surprise me."


Said the gay guy.....


Glow in the dark sleep masks.....I bet that would freak out a burglar.


If you have never had Russian smoked sardines, you have not lived a full life and your wife should be scolded.
 If you like sardines as much as I like sardines, website "Mouth Full of Sardines" is for you. It also has a neat little game to play at the bottom.

My kind of tent. Just toss it and BOOM!....


Today I cleaned my office and studio. And by cleaning I mean drinking beer and spraying Febreze all over my shit.




One of the greatest compliments you can give this blog is:
It's tasteless, inappropriate, and totally hilarious.

Dear whoever is reading this - Don't forget to smile today.
I mean it. Just look up and smile at somebody. If they ask you why you smiled at them, just say, "The guy on the blog told me to."




When I was in school my teacher came upon a math problem with my name in it. I beamed, turned around to the class, and said, "That's right bitches! I bought 60 fucking watermelons!"




Humpty Dumpty was pushed.


Americans making themselves at home at the Olympics...

Just another reason I don't ride public transportation...

Heard an interesting thing about being a Marine....
A Marine told me that in boot camp the recruits are taught that Marines never surrender. You will fight until your ammunition runs out, then you will use the hand to hand combat skills we taught you. And if you get your hands blown off, you can surrender, but you have to raise your feet to do it.

 Secondly, is the term MDT. It stands for Multiple Dismemberment Trauma.......you get blown to little pieces. This is declared on the battlefield to explain why the body bag only weights 35 pounds and contains three arms, but no legs or vise versa.

Sometimes you eat the bear; sometimes the bear eats you...

FULL POST TOMORROW

2 comments:

Caper said...

You not only have a funny ass blog that I read daily, but you also like sardines. I could drink a beer and pop a tin with you. Glad you enjoy my blog.

Anonymous said...

The "black out the nasty parts" photo sadly reminded me of visiting the Vatican recently and learning that the fig leaves covering the genitialia of the men and women in the painting were added after the master delivered the commissioned piece. Seems that showing humans in their natural form was just too risqué for the church.

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