About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Thursday, August 9, 2012


Let's start with some newsy stuff...

You remember what I said about bringing in just ordinary people to attempt some of the feats? Well....

I think this is his mug shot...

One who wants to know his defects should marry.

Yeah, we've figured that out on our own...

Been asked this a lot lately...
I usually say something about Queen Isabella's people saying the same thing, but it's really a lose/lose argument that can serve no productive purpose.

Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray...welcome back to 430 BC.

You would think somebody would give the guy a seat and then brag about it later...

I can't wait until they start probing Uranus.

For my buddy, Shawn.......


My wife told me that her doctor said that if the medication didn't work, he might have to do some surgery.
I said, "I'll do it."
This is the way she looked at me when she said, "That's not very sympathetic."
 Then I said, "Can I at least watch?"
(that was absolutely factual)

I wonder if he is coming or going. My money's on going...

They are counting all the gold at the Federal Reserve....
So far no indication that anything is amiss.
That's good news, right................right?

Perused a photo essay titled "Cockneys vs. Zombies - walkers vs. walker."
It was a hoot.

Last night I only got like 9 hours sleep.

Old age: The only disease that you don't look forward to being cured of.

Just a reminder, football season is right around the corner...

I never trust a man who has never been in a fist fight over a sports team.

Never understood why NASCAR stops a race when it rains. These fuckers would race in a monsoon.....

I had a friend who was so fucked up he asked me if I wanted to go outside and smoke some beer with him.

After that NASA guy with the mohawk, this doesn't even shock me....

Do dogs know that you are masturbating?

I'm asking for a friend.

Cigarettes, wine, hot tub, beautiful naked woman...well, it looks like somebody has all the bases covered...

Being fat is like a trophy for all the awesome beer I've drank. I've even called in too fat to work.

I ran across my elementary school year book. I had forgotten that I was voted most likely to drink well with others.

One of my old one of my very own that I like....

I asked a fortune teller to read my future. Suddenly she turned ashen and sprinted out of the room. So I grabbed her crystal ball, chased the bitch down and beat her to death. 
I wonder what the hell she saw in that thing.

Trying to close your internet porn window when your wife is coming is like trying to put your key in the door before the killer gets you.

1 sperm has 37.5MB of DNA info in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer of 1587GB in about 3 seconds.
That means a teenager's sock has more space than your PC.

...is worth a thousand words....

Ran across this comment recently:
Read that again.

My, oh, my, what have we here?

My wife keeps 72 half-empty bottles of stuff in the shower. And if I merely look at one of them they all throw themselves into the tub.

Good advice from an old man:
Years from now you will be much more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the things you did do.
(that is absolutely factual)

TRUE: My wife was standing in front of one of her stores when a young man like this walked by. She said, "Excuse me, but your pants are falling off." He hitched his pants up a tad, then gave her a dirty look.

Score one for the old lady.

I once threw a theme party based on all the things Leviticus declares you must or mustn't do. It was a fucking hoot.

You won't eat a chicken sandwich because of the CEO's beliefs on traditional marriage? So when will you stop buying gas because Saudi Arabia believes homosexuality is punishable by death?

The Isle of Wright was captured by Germany during WWII. Toward the end of the war, Germany couldn't resupply and the Nazi's and the population starved....but the Germans had the guns, so you know who ate first. 

Remember the guy who paints portraits with his dick?

I have fallen a little bit in love with every girl jogger I have ever seen.

"Ground Control to Major Dog..."

The hardest part of doing absolutely nothing is knowing when you've finished.

One of my very own...

I think we expend way to much energy on the whole "your/you're" debate. Let's give it a rest. If I say "Your an idiot", I don't think you need much help figuring out my meaning.
People who write a lot just don't have the time to proof everything adequately enough to insure perfection.

It pisses me off when I want to leave a comment on a blog or website and they make me jump through hoops. For whatever reason, I get those jumbled up letters wrong about 3 out of 4 times and more often than not, I just give up.

Dear Fellow,
Drop this bitch like she is radioactive.
Now. Don't wait.

Why can't we just all get along.....

An American city gone to shit....

One of my very own...

Wouldn't you love to see those last photos?

Read an article about gun deaths in America. Apparently, 3/4th of the deaths are from accidents or suicides. The author said that there needs to be less guns so that fewer people would kill themselves. Really?
I say, Fuck you. If I decide that my life is not worth living then get the fuck out of my way and let me do what I feel I have to do. Who's to say that suicide is such an awful thing? Maybe their pathetic lives were intolerable.

Some people just like trunks...

Smart may have the brains, but stupid has the balls.

Well, somebody's gonna get their ass kicked...

My neighbor told me he missed the finish of the women’s gymnastic competition because his dog did her own “floor routine” right in the middle of the antique rug his wife inherited from her grandmother.

Yeah, look, a colored girl.....

So, I have these half finished sculptures made out of thousands of one dollar bills sitting around my studio. Periodically, a yard man or some such will come into or walk through the studio and spot my work.
Have you ever tried to explain to a non-art person what they are looking at? You end up just saying, "There's really no explaining it; it's art."
Then one of them asks, "But why?"
Why in-fucking-deed.

I've often said that there will be a tripwire, that when tripped will send the world over the cliff. I now wonder if a three of four year major US drought might be that tripwire. 

Did you know people are left-nostriled or right-nostriled just like being right or left handed...

Why cage these magnificent beasts? Just so we can gawk at them mulling about their tiny cage?

Some hair sticks to the soap, some goes down the drain.
Deal with it.

What in the name of the Marianas Trench does he think he's doing?

Fuck donuts with a hole in the middle. Why can't they just let me have the whole donut? Is that asking too much?

Wouldn't you love to know the story behind this...

Here's the kind of shit I think about:

One of these designs has got to be the best design, yet almost exclusively, the open mouth one is for public places and the other is for the home. Would someone explain that to me.

My daughter's dog is so spoiled, she poops in the neighbor's yard for him.

I've begun to individualize my stand-up groan. I'm up to five distinct syllables and feel no compunction to stop now. My wife knows from across the room that it was me who just stood up.

Does. Not. Compute.
Is that even fucking legal?

I think I can explain this. The store floods when the street does, but it's only a couple of inches, so.....

Estimated that 83 million Facebook accounts are duplicates or fakes.

Another one of my very own...

Hate when my wife feels it necessary to have guests over and forbids me from drinking wine right out of the bottle.

1 comment:

canada eh said...

Good shit my man

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