TRUE: This morning I was awakened by my wife's shaking and when I opened my eyes I found her face directly above mine. Immediately she gushed:
"I have a meeting in 17 minutes with the mayor and chief of police and woke you at 8:15 to tell you the maid will be here in 21 minutes and you shouldn't walk out of the bedroom naked and watch her cause I want to know how long she spends here and I'll be at the store about 11:20 in case you want to come eat lunch with me around noon."
I batted my eyes and gushed, "I've been awake for like three fucking seconds!!!!!"
I looked around the room and screamed. "AM IN IN THE FUCKING INTRO OF A FUCKING MISSION IMPOSSIBLE MOVIE?!?!?!"
NOTE: To be a smartass, first you have to be smart. Otherwise you are just an ass.
The problem with lifting an image of your enemy off the Internet....or not....
I sent my wife an email that said for her birthday I had a present that would put a big groin on her face.
"Does this map make my ass look fat?"
"Only in the Southern Hemisphere, dear."
A couple of clever anti-smoking ads....
This may not work, but I would like to try it at least once...
When you get as old as I, you look at the extended warranty just to see if you are likely to be alive that long.
I think that bastard should have been hung for this alone...
You don't need a fork to eat good food.
You magnificent bastard!
I once caught my young daughter in a lie and called her on it. She just looked at me and as she walked out the door counting on her fingers said, "Tooth Fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny. Your move, Dad."
Then a couple of days later I found a Fruit Roll-Up in my pocket, which meant one of my kids had a peach flavored blunt wrapper in their lunch box.
We will probably never understand Black Holes or why beginner poker players luck into the best cards...every fucking time.
Humility is not thinking less of yourself; but thinking of yourself less.
Good luck finding another boyfriend...
When Matisse got too old to stand and paint, he used scissors to cut colored paper....
Oh, to be able to move people like this........
Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.
Any ship can be a minesweeper...once.
Dear parents,
Ask your kids what they think more often than you tell them what you think. You'll thank me.
If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.
?????????
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.
Fascinating....
These items are levitated by converging sound waves....
Things extracted from cows' stomachs.....
Newest rage....mile high masturbation club.....
This is a lamp....
This is the way I look when a friend accidentally touches my butt....
Bill Fucking Murray with a potted plant. That is all.
Well, piss on it....
The best survival aid you can have in the woods....
This voice activated machine "shoots" popcorn toward your mouth....
I watched a video of a camera connected to a hula-hoop....
Look it up on Youtube if you like.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not your friend.
The world's first gold fish beauty contest.....TRUE.....
In Japan, of course.
A Civil War soldier who looks like Louis CK.....
This doesn't look all that safe to me....
Full-time awesome, indeed...
Respect shown to an elephant killed by a train...
But then what do you do with it? Eat it? Bury it?
Fuck that, I would drag it back on the track for round two.
Fuck that, I would drag it back on the track for round two.
This man got a ticket for using his cell phone while driving a horse-drawn carriage....
TRUE: Because of the latest Muslim insanity, a German politician has introduce a bill to make it illegal to make fun of a religion.
Think about that a minute.
I didn't even know this was possible, but there's a stress condition whereby you just keep drinking water but your body keeps telling you it's thirsty....
If you're a man sitting at a crowded lunch counter, no matter how delicious something looks, never look at it and say "Oh my god, I just want you inside me."
Here's one of those crossword puzzle clues only real crossword solvers get immediately.
Chute opener
__ __ __ __
[ PARA ]
Let's close with on a serious note...
Let me show you what an act of war used to look like...
This is Christopher Stevens; Ambassador, father, husband and American Citizen.
4 comments:
I'm not sure what you meant by "This is what war used to look like." Maybe I'm reading it wrong. As I understand it, those were the locals who carried him to the hospital. It appears that it was too late at that point, but I believe the intention was to help him.
Killing an American ambassador used to be grounds to declare war on the country.
But I don't think he was being assisted. I think he was being displayed for cameras....but the internet may have lied to me.....again.
Referencing your famous statement, Stephen Hawking is just making shit up as he goes along. And, when you're stuck in a chair, what the hell else do you have to do?
Please don't tell me that the internet lies. I have so little trust left...
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