THURSDAY 9/20/12

Not to bore you, but every comment you make comes into my email first so that I can make sure that it's not spam before I publish it. This worked well for a long time, now I am under attack.
Here is one of hundreds...thousands of fucking ads for those fucking boots.

I have vowed to never buy a pair of Uggs no matter what, and now am asking you to do the same.
Thank you.

You can't rape the willing.

A mentally challenged man was having trouble ordering at the ice cream shop, causing a long line to form behind him. One guy toward the back had had enough and shouted, "Just have the retard step aside so we can get going!"
The gay guy in front of the guy turned and they began to argue over his remark. Finally, a punch was thrown and the gay guy was victorious.
The slow witted guy at the counter turned and shouted, "I can take care of myself, faggot!"

Being deaf in one ear means that I have no idea where sounds are coming from. As a school teacher, this posed problems. This is the way I looked sitting behind my desk when I heard someone shout out something inappropriate.

They never knew I hadn't a clue.

And in the neverending saga of my wife's little store vs. big mean Neiman Marcus, it's gone national at least twice..

Now I'm sorry to say that my wife has signed an agreement that forbids her from talking about the "case", therefore there shan't be any further discussion of the matter........however, now NM has offered it's new line of fashion, and even on the fashion comment page they are being bombarded for their actions in even that section's comment file.

I often muse about growing up somewhere else...

If you want to eat gelato off an orangutan's anus, then that's what you must do. Your time here is short. Do something awesome.

I don't think my wife feels very well. Her underwear looked like 7-layer dip.

Crossword puzzle clue: Response to sinking feeling.
__ __ __
[ SOS ]

I'm not always sexist and racist, but when I am, I'm driving.

Kate Middleton is an anagram for "Naked tit model."

Gambling addiction hotlines would do much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

??????

Oh, my oh my oh my.....

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Weather outside is beautiful today. I think I'll go jogging. I won't do it, but I'll think it.

"On a scale of 1-100 how immature are you?"
"69."

I'm thinking of renaming my dick. "One-eyed Crotch Muffin" has too many syllables.....a real mouthful.

I've never been skydiving, but I have zoomed in on Google Earth real fast.

This is fucking terrifying.......

Addiction - Always having something to look forward to.

They said Jesus turned water into wine. I say Fuck That! I turned my student loans into countless ounces of dope and enough beer to float a fucking battleship.

Subtle this one....

A tarantula in a ball that rolls around the room when it walks....

My neighbors have such loud sex that this morning I asked them if they would let me pet their elephants.

When you stop and look around, this life is pretty amazing.

Sports fans.....they are all the same.....

 I once shit in my pants exhibiting emotion like that.

Doggie Style...you're doing it wrong.....or not......

Saw this quote: "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." - Marie Curie.
She should have feared radiation.

After exercising I always drink a six pack....just kidding.
I don't exercise.

When I look at the moon I always think of my friends, cause it's high too.

My mother told me that when she was pregnant with me, I kicked so hard I would knocked her ashtray off her belly.

Words escape me......

Know who this is?

 A young Walt Disney.

When I became a teacher, I vowed never to asked a laughing child, "You think that's funny?!"


Okay, I get the weird tree, but what the fuck is that in front of the tree?

Boy, that looks like a good idea.....what could possibly go wrong?

Scientists have been hard pressed to explain why menopause happens so early in humans -- there's no obvious evolutionary advantage to having your reproductive system shut down decades before the rest of your body.

This is that astronaut putting a water bubble inside an air bubble inside a water bubble....

I still remember the day I realized I had grown boobs as large as my wife's.

This is Paul in a space suit. That is all.

As an atheist, I believe in life before death.

There are many unfinished housing developments in America. This one is rather beautiful....

In every B grade horror movie I have ever  seen there is a scene where a killer in a car/truck is chasing a person and the person decides to run right down the middle of the fucking road just like this one....

Remember when tattoos were cool?

My buddy, Rupert, and I used to erect a lot of privacy fencing. We thought up the idea of connecting two levels together so we wouldn't have to keep switching the one from side to side. Then a couple of years later this......

My bartender knows that just about everyone who visits the Legion Bar has weapons in their home and he (the bartender) refuses to own even a pistol. With that fact in mind, here was a conversation from yesterday.
Watching the unrest in the Middle East, I said, "The problem is that the smart, educated people aren't armed."
He said, "Universally true, I'd say."
Nobody even got the joke but me.
Then he said, "But if you find yourself on your knees with an AK47 pointed at your head, you could logically argue who is smarter than whom."
Interesting point.

A guy with your IQ should have a low voice too.

Bad sex is better than good sex with yourself.

Last night I asked my wife for anal sex. She said, "Fuck that shit!"
I said, "I like your spirit!!."
(half the people I've told that joke to didn't get it)