Left the beach early so I will be home for the noon Gamecock game tomorrow. My wife has to go back to work, and sighed so many times I had to remind her it's a clothing store, not Shawshank.
It's been such slim pickings that I threw in a whole bunch of my own stuff about old men.
This is exactly how I looked when a young man said we couldn't have evolved from monkeys because we still have monkeys....
Bill Clinton is a pretty smart guy for a full-blown sex addict.
This ranks right up there with the wheel, fire and pop top beer cans....
Every drunk has the right to remain silent...but they don't have the ability.
I like to look up my ex-girlfriends to see what their mugshots look like.
If a Facebook profile picture has two people in it, it belongs to the uglier one.
I dream about a world where it is totally legal and socially acceptable to slap the shit out of stupid people.
If you lean down and bark at your dog, chances are he will bark back. Yeah, try to meow at your cat. They are unbelievably rude.
Could this scale be true?
This is a pipe.....okay, it's a bong....
My great-nephew's 3rd grade teacher has her class learn the Canadian National Anthem...."just in case".
I just mailed a gold fish to that gold buying company just to see what happens.
Rum = Amnesia Medicine.
We have hall met them. The people who do everything in moderation. I call them moderatiacs.
Ah gravity thou art a heartless bitch.
Great word: Bathetic.
It means displaying insincere emotions.
So, you could, I assume, say, "She was a pathetic bathetic."
Further, 99 times out of 100, if you use the word in a conversation, they will assume you said pathetic.
Gotta love those subtitles...
TRUE: Not too long ago, there were roughly 800 named mental disorders. That number is now in the thousands and each of us have about a dozen.
TRUE: A guy interviewed people at the Democratic Convention and asked if they believed in "Choice". They all did with various degrees of passion - i.e. to be an American is to make your own choices.
Then he asked if they believed in a person choosing not to be in a union, to choose to buy the drink size they like, to choose any light bulb they want, to buy a gun to protect your family, and choose to send your kids to any school.
Those "Choices" were, of course, verboden.
I kicked a puppy once.
Food is a hobby of mine.
TRUE: About once or year or so in Thailand, someone commits suicide by crocodile....they climb the fence at the zoo and are ripped apart.
Anybody know a good way to keep my ball sack from touching the water when I take a shit?
My wife pointed out that the restaurant we dined at last night had lobster. I looked at the price and said, "It better sing and dance and introduce us to the Little Mermaid."
Think of these when you think your job sucks...
This is the way I react in the morning when my wife starts telling me all the things she wants me to accomplish that day....
I really shouldn't have driven home from the bar last night. Especially since I walked there.
Don't you hate it when you say, "I hate that song" and someone says, "You have to admit, it's catchy."
The fucking Black Plague was catchy! That doesn't make it good!
I know it's hard for non-cape wearers to understand, but my cape gives me self-confidence.