THURSDAY 9/6/12

TRUE: Breakfast at a great restaurant...two eggs, country ham, grits, redeye gravy, biscuit....and....AND I got to use my breakfast gag for the first time in a long time.
Waitress: How you want those eggs?
  Me: Both at the same time, please.
No, I mean, how do you like them?
  I like them just fine, thanks.
How do you like them cooked? (cooked was pronounced with at least four syllables)
  I like them cooked most of all.


My wife and I sit on the beach under an umbrella most of the day. We look for holy moly's, take walks, read, but mostly we sit and enjoy each other's company.....and I drink beer.
I like to people watch. You watch a middle aged man in a bathing suit lumber down the beach and you have no idea if he is a bank president or a plumber; an ex-convict or the judge what sent him up the river. 
There's an old saying about going somewhere where nobody knows your name. I kind of like that from time to time.

I've laid my first bet of the NFL season today. I have the Cowboys to beat the Giants tonight.

I thought the scene in this movie where he gets hit with the cane to prove he can't feel his legs is the funniest scene in all of moviedom....

This is the way I always start eating when I'm seated at a table with children...followed by a loud "Uuuuummmm"...

...if they smile I do it again....and again until my mouth is stuffed to overflowing. Then I urge them to try it.

I know that these women know a lot I don't know. They probably know which snakes are poisonous, etc....

But they have no earthly idea how a ballpoint pen works; where tires come from; what electricity actually is; algebra; the basic principal behind an airplane's wing lift; etc. But they have their little concrete block chairs and they are happy....

Of course, I have no idea how this magic occurs...

You remember that awkward moment when you got in the van and found out there really wasn't any candy?

Evil will always triumph because good is dumb.

Sex addicts are just guys who are being honest.

You don't have to attend every argument you're invited to.

Papa Johns let the internet vote on where to give away a free concert......

Boy, this would be a good time to say "If you don't get this it's okay", but I don't do that anymore....

I found out these are called "composites"...the overlapping of old and new photos. This is a pic of San Francisco earthquake of '06 and present day.

The next time to use the phrase "Bunch of dicks", think of this...

Speaking of...

Of all the people you have seen today, doesn't he just look like the dude to smack a fucking shark?

This kid is in the middle of an insurance scam.

Then he was informed of the dash cam...and just walked off.

I have no idea....but he seems to be enjoying it....

Camera that prints the picture instantly...

When I find myself waiting in a room, I look around at bookshelves, ceiling fans, etc and try to determine who would die if one of them fell.

I'm not a girl, but I'll wager that girls like to hang out with other girls with the same bra size. Anybody know for sure?

Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
(write that shit down, ladies)

Read about a woman who makes millions off of deer urine:

In space, tears down roll down the cheeks.

Bachelors solve fucking problems........by god!

You can love your country with having to love your government....ask the Egyptians....or the Syrians....

Boy, this has 6 O'clock News written all over it...

Stupid shit has been watching too many fucking movies...

I find this amazing...

All cats have asperger syndrome.

After a heavy night of drinking, a young friend told me of writing a preemptive draft of an email to his professor saying that he had gotten up sick in the morning and would not be attending class.
He accidentally sent it the night before class.

It is impossible for a man to urinate in a toilet and not aim for the shit stain.

This woman owns a small foundry that makes manhole covers...

Fuck both of these bastards....

It's Cow Tipping Month again....

I watched a short film about hilarious censored subtitles...

Remember, if this was species advantageous, we would all have two rows of teeth....

Pain is just the brain's attempt to keep you from killing yourself in an accident.

Different races has different rules about pitstop crew size...

 This is NASCAR, where pitstops are very important. I lost a bet one time because my driver took two more seconds in the pit than the other guy. But two seconds is like two hundred yards at the finish line.

I've always considered NASCAR pussies for fearing rain...

I think my friend Alex will like this...

I hate the government telling us what we can and can not do, but, damn man, this shit ought to be illegal...

This is the way I look when an old friend walks back in the back after a long absence and I realize that he's not dead...

(that was true, by the way)

At my age my brain is so full that if I learn something new, I forget something else. Just the other day my wife showed me how to load the dish washer and I forgot how to drive.

The University of South Carolina's Gamecocks has got to be the coolest fucking mascot names EVER....

Few quotes from “NAKED CAPITALISM”

Austerity is a means by which the rich can buy up assets which are not normally on the market for cheap.

11) the wealth of the rich and major corporations has recovered and in many countries exceeded its prior highs. They are doing fine. Austerity is not hurting them. They control your politicians. The depression will not end until it is in their interest for it to do so, or their wealth and power is broken.

China’s economy is slowing down. Since China is the main engine of the world economy, followed by the US, this is really bad. If it goes into an actual recession, bend over and kiss your butt goodbye.

My guess is....arrested in 5....4.....3......