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I'm an artist, an educator,,and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like beer...but I love my wife. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

TUESDAY 9/18/12

I'm interested in what you people think about the following:

How to know for sure that you have a "cheep" phone...

Carpe the fuck out of that diem.

 I could drink me under the table.

Never understood how so many people with no dental care always had nice teeth....

Flightless birds must be going like what the fuck.

I want a tattoo on my neck of Chris Brown taking a women's studies course.

Did you have to touch your dad's dick to get a playstation game when you were a kid?


I hate watching men work out. I keep thinking that that's what their faces look like during sex.

Why I think many caption services are voice recognition...

This is my wife with the homeless woman she has adopted.
My wife is the one on the left....
.....no, wait.....my wife is the one on the right!

Think about that a moment....take as long as you need.

My wife told me I needed to shower, since I smelled like bad decisions and regret.
I took that as a compliment.

Why don't we have headlines like this anymore?!
(actually, the guy looks like he enjoyed every minute of it)

My wife made me cancel our bukkake party for fear it would ruin the carpet.

This guy paints pictures on pennies....

Speaking of....
Is this legal....to copyright a picture of something you manufactured? Can you imagine Ford Motor Company did that?

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money, so I got up and searched with him.

Cool photo, but what the fuck does this mean?

My desire to be well-informed is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

I try not to give this....

Anyone who says that having a child is the best moment of their life has obviously never had 2 Mounds Bars fall out of the vending machine.

Celebrating the Jewish New Year is like celebrating the regular New Year except they blow into a ram's horn and have the exact opposite of fun.

The Rose Galaxies...

My wife couldn't continue when during sex I said, "Bend over and take it like a man."
She said she couldn't get past the Shawshank imagery.

This is exactly what I looked like when the doctor told me my colostomy went so well that I won't have to do it again for 5 years.....
Laugh, you young motherfuckers...laugh.....just wait.

I overheard a woman at the bar talking about how much sex she had, so her friend asked what form of birth control she used. She said, "Lesbianism."

What a great movie.
My favorite lines were: "No, spank me....NO, SPANK ME!"

I'm taking care of my procrastination issues...just you wait and see.

There is a no black people in Libya joke in here somewhere...

Some nights it is very difficult to adequately enforce the "No crying at the poker table" rule.

Anybody know what the shoe collecting is about?

This is just fucking sick........SICK!

I'm an acquired taste.
Don't like me?
Acquire some taste.

This is a model city made of computer parts. 

Put me in the game, coach.....

Me + Public Transportation = Impossible

Buoyancy: The fine line between a ship and a submarine.

And from a chink clarinetist, no less.....

While eating a Southern breakfast you can literally taste the diabetes. 

Why do alien attacks always start with the USA?
Just once I'd like to see a movie of the aliens attacking...say....Luxembourg and have them bring out their only tank and both of their machine guns.

Today young people hook-up with total strangers and have intercourse within an hour, but nobody can touch another's phone.

If you need proof that America is fucking doomed.......

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again over who doesn't believe in any god the most.
Oh, no....wait...that never happens.

I thought the wooden keyboard was cool, until.....
The close-up showed the keys are in the wrong place....

This is one of the best of these I've seen....

Macturbating: Pleasuring oneself through use of an Apple product.
$800 for the iPhone 5? Siri better be sucking some dick.

If I had all the money I'd ever spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer.

Google knows....

Now let's revisit the topic of Neiman Marcus deciding to sue one of my wife's stores (the one that gave $45K to a women's shelter last year) over the use of the name "Last Call".
Here is what has happened to the store's Facebook page hits.

She is getting posts of outrage from all over the world....literally....I've read them!  She is being interviewed in countless newspapers and TV news. I actually expect it to go national if NM don't get their thumb out of their ass soon.
Lawyers are banging on the door to take the case pro bono.
Neiman Marcus' Facebook and websites are overwhelmed with negative posts about the giant company picking on a caring charity.
VP's are now involved and it seems that the corporation has finally come to the realization that this is a public relations disaster. They have sent out feelers that could solve the problem with no further damage being done.
I even sent an email to corporate suggesting that someone is going to have a whole bunch of explaining to do, cause they have no idea how beloved my wife is in this state.
Plus, the PR my wife's charity store has received over this is priceless.
But I ain't done yet. On the same day she had a news conference at the store, she had another news conference downtown over her fundraiser to buy protective vests for all of Columbia's police. Did you know they have to buy their own?
She announced that she has found a corporate sponsor that will match any funds raised from the public, and, of course, she won't stop until every cop has a vest.

God I love that woman.


Anonymous said...

Hey Ralph,
Saw your blog- the sneaker pile looks like its after a mud run. Nike sponsors a project where they grind up old shoes into playground landings. My guess is the run probably figured out something to do with all the shoes that get thrown out anyway.
And good luck to Debbie and her fight against NM. Hope she doesn't put em in the poor house!
Would have commented on the blog but it takes too long to load on my phone.

Jambe said...

wrt top text blurbs: the fact that a minority of people abuse welfare systems doesn't mean welfare systems are a bad idea.

wrt poop tube image: "Hi, I'm Bradley Michael Fahrtz, and my family's been in the [poop] business for over THIRTY YEARS! That's why we invented [the poop tube]."

Anonymous said...

Go Auntie Perfect!

Best Regards,

The oldest in Round Rock

Paul Wickham said...

Yes, yes it does. That means that - as implemented - it is by definition a bad idea.

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