About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, October 8, 2012

MONDAY 10/8/12


Something extraordinary happened at the beginning of my #6 Gamecocks' (now #3!) complete smack down of our arch enemy #5 Georgia.
My wife, who has never watched football, tuned into the game in the house, while I was watching it in my man cave. After we scored 21 points in the first quarter, while shutting out Georgia, she appeared at my door with a look on her face I had never seen. She was agog with excitement, and while gushing about the excitement, she looked at my TV and said, "Oh my god, that just won't do for a football game like this. I'm going to buy you a new TV that will fill the whole fucking wall!!!!!"
Such is the nature of college football, my friends.

But I've always wondered about the sports fans' payoff. Sure the wins are exhilarating, but the losses are crushing; therefore it should be an emotional net gain of 0. 
My guess is that the wins emotionally outweigh the loses, otherwise, what's the point.

Then there's this tidbit. The debate rules that both sides agreed upon:


Once upon a time,
Fuck you.
The End.


Motorized surfboard....

A new receipt for a table with multiple people. You can leave it whole for a one payer or divide for Dutch treat...
Haven't figured out what the little tab is for.

I went into the science museum and put my hand on the metal ball and my hair stuck straight up and now I know science.


Eton students during WWII....
Looking at the identical thumb placements on the weapons, they were pretty damn good at it, even though they all look like complete, total pricks otherwise.

 This is the way I look when my wife introduces me to someone.....then when they walk away...
 This is what I look like when my wife keeps saying "Wave. WAVE!" when her parents are backing out the driveway.....


"Soon................ish."
(I say that a lot)


Actually, I heard that the first dirty thing said on early TV was Ward telling his wife, "I'm going to go up stairs and help the Beave pack his fudge."

If I was a villain, I would set all my bombs to explode at 00:03.


You think this woman has ever asked herself to define excess?....
And what happened to her fucking biceps?!?

This is what I tried to look like when introduced to my daughters' dates for the first time....

All the ills of mankind have arisen merely from a lack of dancing skills.


A couple of Halloween costumes for your consideration...

I'm not stealing my neighbor's WiFi.
Their WiFi is trespassing into my house.



Don't too harshly judge people by their past. 
They don't live there anymore.



I have no idea if this is true...I just like the graphics....
But why would they give all the poor people San An-fucking-tonio?  When I was in San Antonio, I had eight separate Mexicans ask if I would like to meet their sisters.




If you are ever sad or depressed or self-conscious about yourself, just remember that there are people out there who masturbate to fictional ponies on a kid's TV show and you're not one of them.
Unless you are one of them, then I apologize.


1.5 million balloons to set world record..
 But they quickly learned that what goes up must come down...
My idea would be to collect them, then sell them as part of a world record....but maybe that's just me.

It has been estimated by someone with too much time on his hands that it would cost $768,000,000 to launch your house into space.
And what is astounding is, there are people in the world who could afford it.

I like all of their cartoons....

Do you ever lay awake at night staring at the ceiling while you are thinking about that one place you didn't sand enough when you painted the ceiling.


My nephew was given this as change....
...a silver certificate.
I'm not sure you can still actually take possession of the silver, however.


I got fired from my job as bingo caller. Apparently, "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the proper way to call #69.


Photobombing done right....

Yeah, my family does shit like this at reunions....

Asians can't grow beards until the age of 75, at which time all their hair turns white and a two foot beard grows overnight.




Would you eat this?

Read this in a comments section:
I love it when the nigga Mozart drops the beat, making all the mademoiselles' pantaloons wet and shit.



I've been told that those bumps around a woman's nipple are actually braille instructions to the clitoris, but most men are just too stupid to figure it out.

If I ever found out that one corporation owned both a condom company and a baby food company, I would be the first to start crying conspiracy.


Oh, the irony....

Did you hear about the free-thinking cat that shit outside the box.




Didn't we try this once before...

A digital ruler....

Imagine the music if Taylor Swift and Adele broke up with each other.



Ute Chief Blanket on Antique Road Show. The old guy inherited it and just had it thrown over the back of the couch for decades.
 Worth $500,000 and was declared a national treasure.

Why riot police beat protestors....

Whose idea was it to start a skinny jeans fad in the middle of an obesity epidemic?



Need a laugh? The next time a stranger starts talking to you, just look at them shocked and whisper, "You can see me?"



One time I thought I was in the Cash Cab with all the flashing lights, but turns out I was drunk.....and arrested.....and cops hate trivia.



My wife is so immature that she barges right into the bathroom when I'm in the tub and sinks all my boats.



 This crow couldn't get the little bucket of food out of the tube with the wire....
 So it bent the wire and ate....

Two brothers on two entirely different fate highways...

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way.



Meanwhile at Taco Bell's......

My wife was giving me one of "those" talks the other day. She went on for thirty minutes about her friend's husband who fixed his own cars, washed the outside windows, shampooed the rugs, and numerous other feats. Then she just glared at me.
I said, "What?! You want me to hire this guy or what?"



This looks like the sheep just twisted his neck around, but trust me, it was born with his head on upside down...




Neil Armstrong's ashes buried at sea....


What every real man should be able to do...

An automatic door lock that can be programmed into any cell phone...







Cast of The Princess Bride 25 years later...

Professor shares evaluation comments on himself...well worth the read....


I don't like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.





The most underused tool in the world...

How do I approach my neighbor and tell him that his WiFi isn't working properly and advise him to restart the modem?




When this woman was informed she couldn't take her bottle of vodka on the plane, she stepped out of line and started swigging...offering passersby to join her...
TSA was not amused.

Stated to be true: Good liars are also better at detecting other people's lies.



Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes? I mean you just died. How did you mess up your shirt that bad?





1 comment:

Anonymous said...

regarding the table check...the little tab is probably there to clip onto the credit card or cash

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