About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

BALSOMACEOUS THURSDAY POST


Ran across this image the other day. It brought back more memories than you can image.

My mother had a large art book in our home from...oh, forever; and I used to love to look through it. This is one of the images from that book. Now go back and look at the woman in the upper right in the image above. 
Yeah, I've remembered that exact pose after all these years, but, of course, I jacked off to it more than you can imagine...more than I can imagine.
I also ran across this, and now I want it, too.





That book had a plethora of jackoffable images...

 It also had painting that scared the shit out out kids. Back then we didn't even like Negroes and this upset us.
 We kept trying to figure out if those are snakes on board with him.
(Note: True: When first displayed in a gallery, that painting so depressed the patrons that it was decided to paint that ship off in the distance on the left horizon.)

But that's not all...there's more. Can you imagine a mother showing a little kid this painting!? The guy just stabbed the woman right in the heart and the. Band. Keeps. Playing.

 And, Gentle Reader, this is the image that started me on my path to atheism. I kept asking my mother questions about this image that she could not answer.
See the devil? That freaked me the fuck out and I wanted...demanded...answers. She had none.
 After that, I never stopped asking questions, which in organized religion is not allowed.

The upshot of my relationship with the Peeping Tom painting was that I have, at one time or another, arranged ever lover I have ever had in the exact posture as the lady.
 (that is not me)

I've always wanted to say, "I'm sorry your baby is ugly, but at least you know it's yours.


TRUE:  A donor once donated a real Rembrandt etching plate. Back then they would scratch a deep X from corner to corner to make sure no more prints (of any value) could be run off the plate. But it still worked! I helped prepare, ink and print a Rembrandt etching...even though it was worthless.



My wife camped outside the Dollar Store on Black Friday.


I really don't understand why someone would do this, but I really don't give a shit. This just looks particularly painful.

Dear NASA Hubble Guys,
Thank you.
Sincerely,
The World

I bet you didn't see this coming...

The world will not know peace until the last politician is strangled with the entrails of the last priest.


A mormon once told me that when people die we are reunited with our family. I asked, "What happens if you've been good?"


My father gave me some great advice when I first got married. He said, "Every morning look over at her and say 'I'm sorry'." He explained it was like a preemptive apology, knowing that you would fuck up at least once during the day.



I post this for one reason...
What do we...you and I...do with this information? Am I allowed to ask why? Am I allowed to expect less from my black students? Or is it racist to even admit it's true?

You and I can't tickle ourselves. There is nothing funny in it if there is a lack of uncertainty.....unless you are schizophrenic. They can make themselves laugh by tickling.



How is this extra grip helpful?
My first wife had a divorce lawyer so crooked that shortly afterwards they made him a judge.



Crossword Clue: Happy associate

__ __ __

[ DOC ]



I hung up the phone and told a customer that his wife said supper was ready. He stood up and said, "I'm going home, but supper better be ready....and if it is, I ain't gonna eat it."

I wished him luck.


And my wife sent me this. She called it a "Feminist" mouse. I begged to differ...


I think the phrase "As you wish" translates into Southern as "You are fixing to fuck up."



"Knowing my luck, I'll probably end up having one of those babies that would need to be fed every day."



As I understand it, he used to write everything in longhand, then a lady who had trained herself to actually read his handwriting (with scribbled changes, etc) came in to type it up for him.

Call me old fashioned, but I think shorts should be longer than your vagina.



"Some of the best things in life are free."

Really?
Well, so are some of the worst. 
I don't see anyone throwing a party when they get cancer.


"I realized that all the really good ideas I'd ever had came to me while I was milking a cow."
- Grant Wood




This guy found this wallet. Check out the names on the credit cards...

Dog jumps over fire...okay. But look at how the clip loops...perfect...

"Everyone has a plan 'till they get punched in the mouth."
- Mike Tyson


I think this motherfucker ate his twin in the womb...

No matter how much you think you love somebody, you'll step back when the pool of their blood edges up to close.



My bucket list is just the words "afford things" written in orange crayon on a paper towel.


You're....

Icebreakers have a very, very heavy prow. To break the ice, the engines drives the prow up on the ice and the weight causes the ice to buckle under it....

I've found the key to happiness.
Stay the hell away from assholes.



My wife always keeps several get well cards displayed around the house. That way, if unexpected guests arrive, they'll thin she has been too sick to clean the house.



Some mistakes are just too much fun to only make once.



There in nothing creepier than someone running with a giant smile on their face.





OOMVO...


This is a device attached to a bike to make perfect horse clopping noises...
 This is what it reminded me of...

My old friend started walking 5 miles a day. That was 5 years ago and we don't know where the heck she is now.



Restroom in my local Mexican restaurant...

I heard it on good authority that Elvis died for somebody's sins.



I have no idea...
...but show me a beautiful woman, tongue and phallic object and I'm in....on the floor is a bonus.

OOMVO....
(I hope that wasn't to subtle)

This was almost too silly to post....almost...


OOMVO...

That's right, folks, the crowd was too large to have this year's Naked Sledging Race. Imagine that.


This, Gentle Reader, is a "Toter"...seriously. It totes mobile homes from one place to the other. Because my new electric vehicle has such a short rear end, I friend said it looked like a toter.
And I have to admit...it does.

Shit you don't see everyday...
But don't they have nice furniture.

I would like to meet the racist asshole who doesn't think this child is absolutely beautiful...

So your little snowflake takes soccer and you are soooo proud....

If the internet is any indication, this machine was made solely for funny clips on the internet...

I can't remember why I posted this, but here it is anyway...

I so want these in my kitchen. Think of all the people who would ask me why....like it made sense and I could just tell them, like the answer to a riddle...

My bet is that somebody else will make Twinkies...probably a small bakery...

We called her Norton cause she demanded protection.





1 comment:

Jambe said...

Honestly, it's "racist" to acknowledge ethnic variation at all and it's "classist" to recognize social strata. The words are mega-loaded, though; racist can merely mean "believes humans can be categorized by physical characteristics" or it can mean the aforementioned plus "and believes certain of those categories are inherently better than others". The first part is (broadly) a physical truth, and the second is an abhorrent moralistic claim.

If we're to be effective at improving the ghettoized jailbird minority cultures we white 'murrikans have created, then we must recognize both ethnic variation itself and the social strata based thereupon. We must be realists. To me, the sorts of stats you listed are extremely compelling support for affirmative action programs, drug law reform, etc. The fact that we were a slave state and later a segregated state is why so many blacks are performing poorly when compared to whites (across all sorts of metrics). Our drug laws only compound the problem. CO and WA are on the right track...

---

Tangentially, common opinions on race and class are annoying in the American Left (and with "American Civil Religion" at large, which is the "religion" of most secularists in the USA). They'll often promote e.g. affirmative action because of a watery religious claim that "everybody has a right to a fair shot" or somesuch and then they'll turn around deny or downplay the ethnic variations that lead to exclusionary behavior and race-based social strata in the first place. It's as if merely recognizing skin color or eye shape (or whatever) makes one a bigot. That shit is thankfully changing among many youths. If we're to celebrate rather than fear our differences we must first recognize them. Cliches!

I consider myself a leftist wrt social issues but I often have a hard time talking with my fellow leftists because they see themselves as "above" religion. They think that because they don't believe in God or a divine Jesus they don't have any other problematic or dogmatic beliefs... but that ain't true. Everybody takes shit for granted.

---

Also, I just wanna say that your beard is awesome, and I didn't mean to offend you earlier. I meant to rile you up a touch, certainly, but I hold you (and your aesthetic preferences) in high regard.

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