FAT FRIDAY

I admire ballet dancers very much. I call it art in motion.

 But I can't watch it without thinking of this...

That's deformity, plain and simple.

Believe it or not, a doctor has developed facial Botox to hide poker players' tells...

I feel bad, but I can't help smiling when I see a bum wearing a Clemson jacket.

 That reminds me of something very similar that happened to me. Several guys were sitting at my bar talking about an upcoming duck hunting trip. I asked them when they were going and they asked if I would like to go. I asked what kind of gun they used and they died laughing, with one guy saying, "GUN?! Hell, man, we don't take guns! Somebody's liable to get hurt!"

I said, "Oooooh, that kind of duck hunting."

What men look like when we walk through Home Depot without having to ask for assistance...

In schools they are using scanned palm readers in the cafeteria...

Brit and wounded German; probably North Africa...

9 out of 10 dentists agree that no matter how you brush you're doing it wrong.

I been having some interesting comment exchanges concerning how people dress. Let me expand for the enlightenment of all.
This is my mantra, and it's been my mantra for a long, long time...

When I was growing up, I didn't like to wear anything if it was popular. In middle school I got my mother to buy me a pair of heavy ass brogans, which only hillbilly farmers wore. I loved those shoes...

 In high school I was the only kid to wear these. Some of the guys thought I was gay until they found out I was fucking their girlfriends on the side...

Most "rebels" simply trade one dress code for another...

So, Gentle Readers, here's the way I address just about every "problem" in my life.
I get ready to dress myself and I lift, say, a pair of socks. I look at those socks and ask myself why I'm wearing socks. Maybe I wear my shoes without them to see if there are no negative side effects. I weigh the evidence and decide if socks are the logical thing for me to do.
I have done this with every article of clothing, also weighing cost, time requirements, comfort, etc, etc.
There are people that will tell you that wearing your shirt-tail in, wearing ties, having tassels on you expensive shoes, having shoes that require constant polishing, clothes that require expensive dry cleaning, etc, etc, is just a matter of "taste". I disagree.
I look upon it as bending to the whims of others, usually the more powerful than yourself.
So let's run a little experiment. Fuck casual Friday, let's have wear what you like December. Let everyone wear whatever they want, then tell me if your "taste" survives the first week.

I don't consider myself anti-fashion. I can only live the way I preach...as it were. Ask why. If you don't like the answer, don't fucking do it. I think it's the artist in me.
One more thing, think about "normal" people getting home from the corporate grind. The first thing they do is to get comfortable. The tie goes first, the shirt tail comes out and the tight leather shoes are kicked off. That ought to tell you something.
Now something to think about. I want you to imagine me sitting on you toilet watching you tie your tie every morning. I want to watch as you get the knot slightly eschew and start all over. I want you to hear me giggle when the lengths aren't right and you undo the whole thing and start over. And after you get it just perfect, I want you to look at me and say, "That was the sanest thing I will do all day."
Maybe I follow you to work and watch as all the other soldiers dressed just alike do what people with ties do, then on the way home we stop by a store where you pick up some ties and walk to a mirror and hold them up to your neck like brides holding up gowns before the big day. And I whisper, "This is normal?"
On a societal level, I think ties do one task very, very well. It tells everyone who looks at you that you are too smart to work with your hands. That's it. 

TRUE: My bed is a magical place where I write my best blog entries in my head, then forget them by morning.


Is this real? I would buy the shit out of them if they were...

When you see it...

Just how retarded do you have to be to ride this bus?

My wife deserves a medal for staying with me as long as she has; ignoring the 5874 people that told her what a shitty human being I was.

Some people are more afraid to live than to die.

Can you imagine what would happen if the police developed a fogger that could detect marijuana on everybody's breath as they walked down the sidewalk. I think they would be very, very surprised over who they locked up.

Some of this looks exactly like cuts of meat in the butcher shop...

You watched it twice to see if you could see his dick, didn't you?

This is the way I felt when my wife threw out some of my favorite old shirts...

I think I'm going to start a new religion called "Fainaiqueism".

I wonder if anyone has thought to shove a few ball bearings up the fish's ass before weigh-in at the Bass Tournament.

This was scary as fucking shit! People were shown into an elevator. The door closes and the elevator numbers indicate the car is moving. Then the lights go out and the girl sneaks out of a panel and just stands there. When the people start freaking, the girl starts screaming like she's being murdered. Then the lights go out again and the little girl sneaks out.

Here's some more...

I think I would be really good at being a millionaire.

Fractal Gears...

I wonder how long it will be before we have wallpaper in our homes that will display shit like that?

"You walk like a man who has had many women."
That was one of the nicest things a woman has ever said to me.

I looked at her and said, "You smell like a fallen woman."

Lynyrd Skynyrd was named after Leonard Skinner, a gym teacher who notoriously enforced his school's policy against boys having long hair.


And life goes on...

Fuck dying. He would lose a couple of pounds of flesh just sliding down the highway. There is a reason bikers wear leather...

Don't let the sheet plastic fool you, it's just under construction..

I loved the smell of these...

No. And for god's sake keep your mouth closed!!

TRUE:  (you can't imagine how funny I find this)

"I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself."

Gentlemen, this is how to know positively that you are doing it wrong...

But who's doing the fucking filming...oh, my, I made a little pun.

 I remember the crunching sound it makes when you walk through a snow covered forest...also how quiet it is...

They can't all be gems, my friends...

Apple Computer logo is a Red Delicious, not a MacIntosh. Only the Red Delicious has those little "feet".

I love the Ted.com Talks, but agree that some of the speakers come across as pretentious pricks. Anyway, the Onion has begun their own series of spoof talks...

TRUE:  Man found an oyster growing on a set of dentures in 1898, so he turned it in to the Smithsonian where it was a real hit. Almost immediately people showed up to say the dentures were theirs. This kept up until the 1950's when a man claimed the dentures were his even though he hadn't even been born at the time.

I thought this movie most unusual...

I would like to get a tattoo of a stylized Mexican drinking worm, the Native American symbol meaning wasted.

Sex doll storage...

"Did you see a sign on my front yard that said Dead Sex Toy Storage?!"

Does. Not. Compute.

I saw a young woman with a T-Rex vomiting a rainbow on the front of her T-shirt. I got caught looking so I said, "I like your shirt."
She said, "Thanks. My boyfriend got it for me."
I smiled and said, "How....thoughtful."

Don't play hard to get if you are already hard to want.

I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don't know how much I want. They don't know my life. They don't know what I've been through.

If you could choose between world peace and Bill Gates' fortune, what color would your Lamborghini be?

Earnestly Ernest...

I once walked in on my little sister fingering our cat. I asked my mom about it and she shrugged and said, "The cat seems to like it."
Does that sound normal to anybody?


Speaking of boats...

I told my sadistic dental hygienist that I had a wet dream about her. Shocked she said that was most inappropriate. Then I added, "You got hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing."

If I had had a son, I was going to name it Neville Jr. so that people would think my name was Neville.

Men are god's gag gift to women.
If you know what I mean.

I never understood why women think that a bottle of chemical hair dye will make them look more attractive...

Do you religious women even pay attention?

If not, then maybe these myths are correct...

OOMVO's...

THERE WILL BE A RARE SATURDAY POST TOMORROW.