About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012


I decided that I would stay up election night until I was certain who won.
As it looks to me, Obama has won...as I predicted.

Congratulations, sir...

Now I hope we can stop hating people for their political beliefs and go back to hating them for their personalities.

Saw this tonight...
If we left it up to the major cities, we would always have democratic everything, but I don't think city people are necessarily smarter. I think city people just rely more on government and want more of it.
Rural people don't like government so much. Oh, don't chime in with farm subsidies and such, I didn't say it was any more rational than anything else. Rural people want to be left alone...on a personal basis. They feel that if left alone they can take care of themselves, thank you very much. 
City people know that they would be totally helpless without government. They like rent control, the government dictating what you can do with your own property. They like random searches, because it makes them at least feel safer. They can't even get from point A to point B without the government's buses, subways, ferries, etc.
And please don't bring up Republicans wanting to control a woman's body and outlaw marijuana, etc. I know it isn't flawless, but the above is my read on why they vote the way they do, not why they are right.

Now let's move on...

Got all my Christmas shopping done this morning. Hope everyone likes Halloween costumes. 

Heard a guy say, "Why would anybody give the 2012 stone age Mayan idea of the end of time any attention?"

I asked if he knew that the bible was written in the Bronze Age.

If plan A doesn't work, remember, there are 24 other letters to use in the alphabet. The 26th one is Z and nobody uses plan Z...it would just be silly.

But to be honest, my plan B is almost always my plan A...or C....

I went to a blues festival last weekend. It was okay, but the highlight, at least for me, was when this grotesquely obese man lowered himself to a blanket. I made an over/under on how many people it would take to get him erect again. I picked 2, but his wife alone managed to do it...I guess she's had a lot of practice.

I've found that cool people smile a lot.

Try it. You'll thank me.

How to know for sure that you are going to get your ass kicked...and then be charged with a felony...

Let's talk about fight club.

 ...except maybe this guy...

Had we been born elsewhere...

"An oily substance" is one of the scariest phrases I've ever heard....especially from someone inspecting my genitalia.

I've already planned my next Money Sculpture. All I need is a large enough tape dispenser....

Watched a movie set in the South. One of the characters said this: "Kyle, will you shut your pie hole."

I have lived in the South all my life and I have never heard anyone say that.

I'm a believer in punctuality, though it makes me very lonely.

TRUE: The rat problem in so bad in South Africa, that you can redeem 60 rats for a free cell phone.

"An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards."
Read this as an inspirational quote today. I have no idea what it means, but it sounds like it should mean something significant. 

 That's because we could give a shit about Cuba.
Go smoke a fucking cigar.

Read recently that all these genetically engineered crops are not tested by the government for negative side effects....

"God is an ever receding pocket of scientific ignorance."

- Neil deGrasse Tyson


I wonder if my dog thinks my tail is on backwards when he sees me naked.

Anybody know what this is about? It looks like that guy is trying to match up something......anyone?

Said Ann Romney....

TRUE: Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a bellybutton.

If that happened to you, do you think it would be advisable to open your mouth?

 I hope this is true. And I wonder if he needs a mural.

Somebody told me that this cartoon has a "Kiddie" version and an "Adult" version, but I've never seen it...

You can't imagine how many wonderful parents I know who were the wildest motherfuckers when they were growing up....

A puzzle just for you....

Did you know that we are one of the only countries that election day is not a national holiday. It's almost like they don't want us to vote.

People are moving farther and farther away from the city in which they work. When the price of gas prices reach the tipping point of road rage (caused by their own decisions), prepare yourself for the 21 gun commute.

I think it's time Taylor Swift wrote a song and called it "Maybe I Am The Problem."

This is true....

When Pink Floyd is playing, you shut the fuck up!

If you fuck me over, I will not give you a second chance. It would like giving someone an extra bullet for their gun because they missed me the first time.

I hate it when someone tries to sing "Sweet Home Alabama" and the only words they know are Sweet Home Alabama!

I just found an aging app for my iPhone.

It's called "Camera".

Fishing with hand grenades....
(While on camera, by the way. They had to ask someone to film them doing this!!!)

Speaking of.........fishing?......

Breakfast of Champions in Russia...? Caviar and vodka...

Speaking of Russia...
Those zany bastards.

How many landmarks can you name?

Oh, really?
I'll believe it when he invites this guy into the White House to meet his kids...

Speaking of sexual obsessions....

I once told my daughters that seeing a homeless guy masturbating was good luck and they should close their eyes and make a wish.

Shit you don't see everyday...

Today a woman asked me if I voted and without looking at her just said, "Nah, I have an outstanding warrant in this state, too."

Want a cool trick? Replace somebody's hand sanitizer with personal lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.

Ate beef and broccoli sushi. Tasted like I was the last link of the human centipede.

A female friend of my wife said to me, "It must be hard living with such a strong woman."

I said, "When she says 'Jump', I say 'Off what?'"

I see what you did there...


Aaron said...

"Anybody know what this is about? It looks like that guy is trying to match up something......anyone?"

Here's my best guess. All of the tiles within the dome structure are imprinted with QR Codes. When a code is scanned with the tablet the guy is holding up, other media is presented on its display.

Anonymous said...

Ah...but Ralph...there is a plan Z:

I think the picture of the guy lining up something in the domed room has to do with those weird bar codes (QR codes) that you scan with your phone. Seems like the wall is a collection of a bunch of QR codes.

Aaron said...

Enigma solved:


mike harris said...

The fact that Americans could elect a communist muslim TWICE means they have a very low collective IQ.I like America, but Christ Almighty----

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