LET'S TALK ABOUT THE ELECTION ONE LAST TIME
Breaking News: Man Who Told Half the Nation to Go Fuck Themselves Somehow Loses.
Well, at least someone is speaking sanity...
Republicans want smaller government for the same reason crooks want fewer cops.
Romney defended his position on women's rights saying that as governor on his desk he had "binders full of women." Or, as Mormons call them, Wedding Albums.
I was proud that so many Americans stood in lines like these to cast their vote...
NOW, LET'S MOVE ON...
Indeed...
Real jaw bone eye glass frames. Why not?
My wife woke up this morning with a huge smile on her face...I love Sharpies.
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.
I used to be a people person...until people ruined it.
I have never faked a sarcasm in my life.
Rise and shine? Rise or shine...you can't have both.
I take pride that most people in the world don't even know what color theory is, much less know anything about it...
When one of my old fart buddies begins to talk about sex with his wife...
LET'S DO PENISES, SHALL WE
For my friend, Major Mel....
Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Try not to hear this tune...
(I hope the color-coded notes work out. Had some problems during upload.)
"I went to Home Depot and only bought what I went there for," said no man ever.
"Eye contact...damnit...eye contact!"
You don't really know someone until you get ridiculously drunk with them....I mean that.
"Other"? What other?
Small shark attack...
Speaking of sharks...
How to turn number 1 into 2...
"My taste in music is perfect," said everybody on earth.
I can watch shit like this all day...
In America we have "professional athletes" who catch fish just to look at them.
"I just heard on the radio that the actress from Legally Blonde", Reese 'whatever her last name is' got stabbed to death walking to her car last night."
"Witherspoon?"
"Nah, with a knife."
Shawshank facts I didn't know...
Couldn't help but notice that at 8 am, Starbucks looks a lot like a methadone clinic.
"More duck lips," said no photographer, ever.
Aaah......no.
Nailed it...
Certain beers give me a terrible hangover. I've narrowed it down and think it's the 18th beer.
Some times I think about all those famous people who can't really do anything without being photographed and swooned over. I don't think I could take it.
I have a buddy who named his dog Naked, so that anytime anyone ask him to do something, he can say, "I have to walk Naked this afternoon."
Shit you don't see everyday...
Everybody makes fun of the redneck...until the zombie apocalypse.
Any guy can seem cool on a motorcycle. If you really want to know what kind of man he is, watch him walk through a spider web.
Instead of storing blood, the uterus should store snacks and the like so once a month you'll get a bag of chips or something.
Every parent has a special folder where they store their childrens' drawings. I redrew all of my daughters' with proper proportions and realistic faces and such. When they ask to see them I will tell them they were artistic savants and that I am very disappointed that they wasted their talent.
Dear Rappers,
Please stop putting police sirens in your songs.
Sincerely,
One paranoid stoner
Has your dog ever given you that look that says, "Could you explain to me why you smell like another dog?"
New product to pick up dog shit...
I make art. Fuck you reality.
This sculpture looks like part of New Jersey today...
SYRIA...
When one side of a war has hand guns...
...and improvised weapons...
And the other side has jet bombers...
These people pay the price...
Do you guys remember when math problems actually had numbers?
Dog crossing a Cattle Guard...
I say, "Where there's a disaster, there an opportunity to make money."
"...and the camel you rode in on..."
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