WEDNESDAY

You know what pisses me off? We are at war. We have brave young men and women being killed and maimed every fucking day and what are the air waves filled with....some fucking generals porking around with bimbos.
Give me a fucking break!!

This man deserves peace...

Disbosom. Sounds kind of like a mastectomy, but it really means to confess.

TRUE: A young friend of mine brought a new guy to the bar the other day. This guy shared something on his phone screen with my friend, who laughed and handed it to me. It was a movie of the guy fucking his girlfriend. And this is exactly what I looked like.

I don't always feel like the top 5% of the gene pool, but when I do, I'm at Walmart.

I've always wanted to turn around in a big chair and say, "I've been expecting you."

Don't kids these days learn anything about elementary necromancy?

Those zany EMT trainees...

I still can't open a cereal box without making the top look like a turtle fucked it.

A recent study reveals that the average person will abandon a streaming video if it takes longer than two seconds to start. I am one of those people.

Why you need to pay attention in math class...

The other day my wife and I attended an open bar.
Oh, and a wedding.

Yeah, right...

I remember that awkward moment the first time I saw my ex-wife's new husband wearing my clothes.

I would like to meet the woman who first invented fake orgasms, just to thank her personally. 

This is not photoshopped. It's maned wolf...

My daughter sent me a song for Father's Day: The Wanted: Glad You Came.

Drinking Alone: If god wanted us to be social drinkers, he would have given us friends.

I like to freak my dentist out by seductively licking his fingers during procedures.

A headline you may have missed...

This is important...read carefully...

 Yeah, you have this long, big, hard, pointy thing that never goes away.

If she looks at you this way with that in her hand, you better pray she doesn't have a tube of anal lube nearby...

I think the Creationists have the bible confused with the Flintstones.

There's an impotency joke in here someplace...

The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next morning.

Have no idea if this is true...but I hope it is...I think...

The Director of the CIA opened an Gmail account and shared access with his girlfriend. He would write an email, but not send it, leaving it as a draft. Then his girlfriend would access the account and read the draft. He thought that since it was not sent, no one could trace it.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!


Let's learn something new today...

Run. Don't even think about it, just run...

This girl's skirt is so short I can see how many times her dad missed a dance recital from here.

I don't like the term "slut".
I prefer "convenient".

Chalk...

You don't hear many Death Metal Bands singing about slipping in the shower. 55 deaths a day guys, get with it.

OOMVO...

I'm betting gas leak. Kind of makes you think about having a gas stove don't it...

Waiting for the cable guy. I hope when he arrives he doesn't try to have anal sex with me like I saw happen in that web documentary.


Nailed it...

This image is begging for a caption...

If I was in charge of all the power companies, I would shut them all off for a few minutes on the night of December 21 just to flip people the fuck out.

OOMVO...

I bet if I ask every man, woman and child on the planet to fill in this sentence: ___(name)___ with a ___(noun)___ on his ___(body part)___, not one on them would come up with this true description. 

All those fairytales are full of shit. That's why instead of reading to my children at night, I would make a story up on the fly.

You know your life could use a little pazazz when you get excited about your turn signal rhythm matching the turn signal of the car in front of you.

OOMVO...

Wouldn't you love to see what happened if a woman with a past met a man with no future.

TRUE: I watched for about an hour as one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen ate lunch at my favorite bar. She had french written all over her...short dark hair, perfect make-up, clothes just an edge above the other girls, and lips to die for. Finally, I asked the bartender if she was from France and she said, "Birmingham, Alabama." Birming-fucking-ham Ala-fucking-bama!
I, Gentle Readers, am way, way off my game.

Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.

"It is a poor trade to give up a great life just to make a good living," said every bum ever.
But I still agree with it.

I have mastered the art of spreading my butt cheeks so the people on the elevator can't hear me fart. The trick is to be the first one to look at another passenger as if you are offended.

Excruciating cranial trauma in 5...4...3...

Hang in there people suffering from natural disasters and deadly diseases...we are putting ribbons on our cars as fast as we can.

OOMVO...

Had a guy today tell me I looked like George Jetson in my new little car. I didn't know whether to thank him or slap him....but I let it go without reprimand.