TUESDAY

Speaking of vets....yeah, I was one of the ones who never saw combat and partied like there was no tomorrow...

This is a real spacesuit for a dog...

TRUE:  I was once in the car of an ordained minister who was pulled over for speeding. He reached in his glove box, got his clerical collar and snapped it on before the trooper got to the car. He then told me he rushing to comfort a grieving widow....and the cop let him go fine-less.

People not like us...

It annoys me when you meet someone for the first time and the first thing out of their mouth is "What do you do?"
I always say, "Paint."
They always brighten and say, "Oh, really?! What do you paint?"
And I say, "Buildings."
They usually mumble an "oh" and look for someone more worthy of their attention.
That I am one of the most prolific paid muralists in the South would have never occurred to them.

I found a hundred dollar bill in the dryer. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says, "Buy Nerf guns, candy and beer."

There's a sharp learning curve joke in here some place...

(what a wonderful image)

I think we, Gentle Readers, should form a cabal to bring back the word "Vouchsafe" in everyday conversation.

Every notice how bowling alleys smell like not diplomas.

For the man who has everything...

Have you ever had a late night breakfast that was so good that it spoke to you on a spiritual level?

It's very difficult making bad chemistry jokes...all the good ones argon.
"I sent almost a dozen puns to that magazine."
   "How many were accepted?"
"No pun in ten did."

During sex my wife screams "MAYBE! MAYBE! MAYBE!" just to keep me on my toes.

Just more proof that some people will do anything to get on the internet...

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria at the mental hospital.

"I'm going to start Blaine Gabbert on my fantasy team this week," said no one ever. 

Because getting a real job is just too mainstream...

What, pray tell, does one do with the .......output?

The only difference between a black girl and a white girl is that when a black girl asks you if her ass looks big you can say, "Hell, yeah!!"

One of my very own...

OOMVO...

Saw a clip about this fire truck driving through 5' deep water. The trick, of course, is to have your exhaust and carburetor intake both above water...

THERE IS NO PLANET B.

These three teenagers invented this...

OOMVO...

A few books you might have missed...

I'm going to get me one of these masks and wear it while I drive around in my weird little car...

My young daughter once told me that she wished real life was as simple as Lion King, when you can just say "Hakuna Matata".
And I added, "And watch your dad get trampled to death."
She sobbed uncontrollably, but I thought she learned a valuable life lesson.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you take one drink too many? That's common sense leaving your body.



Philosophical sock messages...is that what we've come to?

Have you ever thrown up in someone's bathroom and then just put the bathmat over it?


???????

"Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance." - Alcohol

This man is my hero...

Remember this animated sign lady. She was a hoot...

Did that monkey just throw a monkey at me?

Grammar: The difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you're nuts.

AND NOW LET'S LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT THE BRITISH...SHALL WE...
Did you know England has no written constitution? Neither did I, but they don't. They more or less rely on precedent...but that's another story.

Imagine this happening in America....

A 17-year-old boy who tweeted an insulting message to Olympic diver Tom Daley, saying that he had let down his dead father by failing to win a gold medal was arrested for doing so.

One man angry about the war in Afghanistan was ordered to perform 240 hours of community service for declaring on Facebook that "all soldiers should die and go to hell."

Then a 19-year-old was sentenced to 12 weeks in jail for reposting (meaning he found it elsewhere) this comment on his Facebook concerning two kidnapped children.(Court records indicate that he was in a drunken state at the time)

"Who in their right mind would abduct a ginger kid?" 

(ginger meaning red-head, of course)

Beyond the law, some observers also detect something deeper at work in British society, "the beginning of a culture of people thinking they have a right not to be offended."

Recently a man was sentenced to four months in jail for wearing a T-shirt in public on which he'd written "One less pig" after two policewomen were killed in an ambush in a nearby city.

Last year, police were called out to investigate nearly 2,500 such cases.

I want you to think, for just a minute, about a society that gives the government the power to control the expression  thought.

TRUE: Watched a clip of a professor as he dropped a goldfish into liquid nitrogen for a few seconds, then take it out, place it in the same water from whence it came and it came back to life with no apparent harm.


This is me when my wife catches me masturbating to questionable material...

( I think it would have been cool if she had positioned it so the mole dotted the i)

When your wife says, "I'm pregnant", do not keep scrolling your computer and say, "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"

Got some time to kill? Try this. Call a random number and when someone answers say, "gesundheit." 
I figure every hundredth or so calls you are going to catch them right after they sneeze and freak them the fuck out.

How long before Google has cameras on every street corner that you can access? Just wait...

I don't give a shit about fur one way or the other, but I loathe people who wear it.

When you think about it just right, fur is just leather with the hair left on.

Speaking of Google cameras everywhere...

Everyday I write the name of a person I hate on my body with permanent marker, then if I'm murdered they'll become the prime suspect.

The bar I hang out at gets its share of bikers. Today as I was walking to the bathroom I overheard a biker tell a girl seated next to him, "You're the kind of girl I'd consider wearing sleeves for." I call that touching.

It always makes me nervous to be around too many young, tanned, healthy people for longer than a cigarette or so.

OOMVO...

(that's true you know)

My wife got really, really pissed one time and as I watched her face I said, "You're terrifying! Kids are gonna start wearing you for Halloween.

Just in case you didn't know how they worked...

OOMVO...