About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Monday, December 10, 2012



Two of my favorite people...

My wife got this as a Christmas gift tonight.
I would rather have a worm poked in my eye than to eat....even look at that this.

How soon they fall...

Growing by the day. About half way there...of course, the bigger it gets, the more dollars it will take to expand it. There are so many people following Folio Olio here in Columbia, that people walk up to me and hand me bills for my sculptures; like aesthetic alms.

(aesthetic alms is a pretty cool phrase...even if I have to say so myself)

Back before Walmart, I used to have to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.

The add-on stock to this pistol is also a canteen...

My wife bragged that she can still touch her toes. 

I had to explain that using her boobs was cheating.

Kind of fractal looking ain't it....

Another way to spot bullshitters is that they say "Nice to meet you" as soon as you shake hands. 

How the fuck do they know if it's going to be nice to meet me?

What a fucking image! You might want to give this a moment....

Afraid to die alone?

Become a bus driver.

When I was due to marry my wife, I asked her if she planned to have a wedding dress. She replied that they were "silly". Indeed. 
I have nothing against traditions you can afford...like putting mistletoe over your door or some such innocent shit. But young, relatively poor couples buying an overly expensive gown is just following the Groupthink to the extreme.
"But I want to feel like a princess," she says.
"Well, I want to feel like Superman, but you don't see me spending $3000 on a cape."

If you don't get this, you are too young...

Had a young woman tell me that she was such a hardcore vegan that she doesn't eat honey or drink milk because the animals had to work to produce it. What kind of person is more concerned with the work of bees and cows, but doesn't mind some Mexican breaking his back to pick her vegetables.

I once asked my wife if what I was doing was satisfactory and she said, "It's okay, but only one nipple is getting hard."

What kind of fucking answer is that?

Believe it or not the highest score in soccer was 149-0. One of the teams started scoring their own goals to protest a referee's decision.

Jingle bell time.

It's a swell time.

People don't like dollar coins because they get them confused with quarters. There are Euro coins with a raised rim like the one. You can feel the difference.

If you're not part of the solution,

you're part of the meeting.

Men don't even tease each other when they see a man doing goofy shit. They know why...

Good taste is a terrible handicap.

Marijuana is now legal in Washington state but illegal according to federal law....try explaining that to a stoner.

I want to meet the guy who invented this and buy him a drink...

I feel kind of strange when I sit in a restaurant directly facing someone across the room....and every time either of us look up we are staring into each other's eyes.

Just noticed this about our two major social issues...

One concerns LEGALLY WED and the other LEGAL WEED.

Headlines of note...

Fuck the cookies and milk, I want tacos....

What if David Bowie was Pope?

TRUE: On TV they introduced a man who had "a master's degree in Sharia Law." I found that very funny.

I think that art is so completely, totally irrational that any attempt to explain it will fail miserably...

I've never tilted at a single windmill....I mean literally.

I hope I'm the last man on earth just to see if all those women were lying.

It's an illusion...

My grandfather, Papa Jack, was a prison guard in Alabama.
Back then they used the black prisoners to dig coal out of mines. During the work shift the guards wouldn't dare go done in the mine and were satisfied to wait safely outside as long as the quota was met. That left the prisoners in the mine alone all day and they always tried to dig out. What they didn't know was that the guards would inspect the mine at night and always discovered the escape tunnels.
They would calculate how close to the outside they were, then just sit with a shotgun.
Everyone laughed when my grandfather told of the prisoners sticking their heads out only to be facing the business end of a 12 gauge shotgun and say something like, "Lawsy Mr. Henry, yoz know ever'thing!"

It's never too late to exaggerate. 

This is supposed to be true...

Am I the only one who is dying to see this video?

This guy has the perfect attitude. I like to laugh at men, Southerns, old people, etc, and I'm all of those things.
I think that we (humans) find somethings funny is that we are not "allowed" to talk about it.
There is nothing inherently funny about black people really liking fried chicken...except it pisses them off when you point it out to them. I find it fucking hilarious....not the chicken...the pissing off.


My wife is on a weight loss program to get down to what she told the DMV.

I know how this was done!


If I were to have a tomb stone, it would read, "What a nice dog, is be friendly?"

I was so pissed off when a guy left his Facebook logged in on the bar's computer and he was already gay.

Why Asians do well in school...

This looks so photoshopped, but it's not. It's a very long trampoline in a forrest in Russia...

They say memory is the first thing to go.

The second thing to go is memory.

Let them read an illustrated version of Revelations...


I have no idea why, but with these minor adjustments, it's easy to have her rotate one way and then the other...

Two silkworms had a race.
It was a tie.

When my Packers lose...

You know what this country needs?

A Ministry of Blame.

Never understood why women put up with this shit...

I lost my virginity on a blanket like this in the middle of the woods surrounded by candles....I was a bit of a romantic even back then.
But I had about a thousand mosquito bites on my ass.

There are no words...

Three guys sitting at a bar:

"I'm from Boston and the bars are so friendly there, after you buy three drinks the fourth one is on the house."
"Well, I'm from Atlanta, and the bars are so friendly there, after you buy two drinks the third one is on the house."
"Well, I'm from Chicago and the bartender will pay for all the drinks, then guarantee you get laid."
"Did that happen to you?!"
"Nah. My sister.....every Friday night."

It's been so long since anybody harassed me.

I can't believe we have gone through another twelve whole months of this fuckery.

Life. Amazing isn't it....
How did they get that photo? I understand the glass and such, but how did they not screw up the young turtles orientation?

I couldn't agree with anything more. Further, I would say it's all meaningless. People read a lot of shit about nihilism and existentialism and such and all I can say is, just because you can name your guess as to what it means, that don't make it true. We are just a complex collection of atoms and molecules that respond to our perceived stimuli (emotional or otherwise) just like single cell organisms respond to light.
I really, truly don't think it's all that complicated...unless to give your life meaning you need complexity....then you have a lot of company.

Who the fuck takes these photographs?
That fucker IS NOT fucking around.

A photo of Van Gogh...a first for me...

Well, so much for the "scratches" he was reported having...

This reminded me of "Deliverance"....and check out the donkey's hard-on...


Jambe said...

Nihilism holds that nothing is inherently meaningful. If you really think "it's all meaningless" then you are a nihilist, at least on a conceptual level.

... it's pretty complicated. We've evolved to want to categorize and simplify things, but that doesn't mean anything is actually simple. We can convince ourselves that things are simple, but we can convince ourselves of anything.

Words like art and beauty and love and meaning and so forth are shorthand for "shit is complicated". I think it's fine to revel in and derive meaning from the complexity of the universe. I also think it's fine to believe things are ultimately very simple, but that notion is too similar to absolutist religion for me to consider it seriously. Also, the idea doesn't jibe with basic scientific inquiry — quantum mechanics is fucking complicated!

Jambe said...

Also, Grant Snider produced an apropos (perhaps schmaltzy) comic today.

Ralph Henry said...

Quantum mechanics is complicated NOW!
Come back in a hundred years when it's taught in elementary school.

Jambe said...

Future generations will ponder things that are as complicated to them as QM is to us, even if they develop a consistent theory of everything. But that wasn't really my point.

My point was that while physics can be distilled down to beautiful algorithms, such hard math is still shorthand for wider and more complicated ideas. Math implies systems of thought and language ("theories") that are highly complex. Similarly, words such as "love" and "art" are vague je ne sais quoi-type terms that derive their usefulness from broader related ideas.

Stephen Hawking's "it's turtles all the way down" quote ultimately applies to every notion or object you can consider. A grain of sand or the whole universe, an amoeba or a human being — anything that exists or that a conscious mind can dream up is connected to a wider (and infinite) web of phenomena. "Simpleness" only exists in the abstract, i.e. if you consider an object or idea without some of its context.

That's not to say that simplifying is a bad thing. Cessation of worrying and pondering is valuable. Computer models and hard math are valuable! But they're valuable because the universe is more complicated than we can ever fully comprehend; because it's not concisely explicable.

Ralph Henry said...

Thank you, my friend. Your comments are more appreciated than you will ever know....and my daughter is a big fan of yours.
Why don't you have your own blog or website? It's a lot of work, but I know I would visit it every day.

Anonymous said...

The mathematics currently used to represent quantum mechanical concepts does take years to learn, such that the subject reasonably can be viewed by laymen as complicated (which is a very different thing from being complex). However, that mathematical representation, which took decades to invent, merely serves to illustrate the patterns and symmetries that are inherent in QM (along with electromagnetics and gravity, etc.). It is a complicated tool that highlights simplicity -- and that simplicity ultimately makes QM a breathtakingly beautiful subject. As much as I see the act of pursuing scientific endeavors as akin to creating Art or Music or Literature, I cannot agree that the fruit of that labor -- the discoveries themselves -- are somehow subjective the way that Art frequently is.

- Ralph's daughter, AKA, a huge Jambe fan

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