About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

TUESDAY #1387


This took me much longer than it should have...I mean it...
If you didn't see it, take another look. When you find it you will wonder how you ever missed it.

Remember: alcohol + things with wheels = stitches.

There is nothing more beautiful than a laughing woman...
Nakedness is, like, a bonus.

Shit you don't see everyday...
I didn't post this for the laughs. I think the poor bastard broke his neck.....while people cheered.

Now, goddamnit, that's fresh seafood!!
But count me out.

My kind of man...

Broke a light bulb today. Seven years of bad ideas.



This is a wonderful way to design capsules for habitat on other planets. Basically, design it in the way it wants to be anyway...

Men wrestling is only gay if somebody gets a boner.



The Mayans may have been right.....imagine the consequences of this shit...
 My reaction exactly.

You think this is true?

This morning my wife came out dressed in yoga pants. I told her she had a camel toe that looked like a queen sized matress folded in half. She cried for a while, but then she did the sane thing and changed clothes.



I love creative bastards....

China is like our landlord and we know he's beating his wife, but we're two months behind on the rent so we let it slide.



Nailed it...
BTW: I visit a few sites for young people. This is one of their original content. I find them delightful.

You can't spell "Subtext" without "Buttsex."



Chances are you are still "It" from a few games of tag that you played as a kid.



A pizza is a circle, cut into triangles, and put in a square box.



Whoever snuck the S in "fast food" was a clever person.



Education shouldn't be a debt sentence.



My superpower is being able to stop even the most basic piece of technology from working.



Growing up, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.



I was sitting in a cafe minding my own business when a dad and his brat sat down at the next table. The brat looked at me and asked his dad, "Why does that man have an earring?"
I immediately looked at him and said, "They release me into the wild on weekends, but they tag me to follow my movements.........are you gonna eat those fries?"



Somehow, to someone, this makes perfect sense...

I am an adults.
When did this happen?
And how can I make it stop?



I actually think that America should have universal health care. Actually, we already have universal health care, but it involves people going to the emergency room with the flu. With that said, looking back, I'm not sure that providing universal health care (and all the costs) was the right thing to do right in the middle of a recession. I think it will go down as one of the biggest blunders we've made. Universal health care is what healthy economies do.

During sex, I suddenly stop and don't move, and tell her it's something new I saw on Pornhub and it's called Buffering.



Rainbow has 7 letters.
So does gaaaaay.
Coincidence?
I think not.



Check out the wording on this announcement...

Whenever confronted with a problem I don't understand, I always say, "The situation is fluid."
Which is Ralph-code for "I've been drinking a lot."



If Fedex merged with UPS would it be called FedUP?



Son or no son, I would have killed this motherfucker last year...the little prick...

5...4...3...............2.......................

This is the face I practice in front of the mirror in case I ever win the lottery.....check out the eyebrow....

North Korea is the best Korea...
I'm going to say it again, when....not if, but when....the two Koreas are reunited, there will be millions of people in desperate need of intense therapy. Think about that.

TRUE:  My wife's friend drove some place and as soon as the car door closed she realized that she had locked her keys in the car. My wife told her to just crawl down in the sun roof. The woman (60 fucking years old) said, "You'll have to do it. I'm not wearing any underpants."
(I hope you see the humor in that)

Like most women, my wife takes a grocery list to the store. I noticed that she placed the list in the little seat thing, then periodically held it up to read, since the print was rather small. Therefore, on the back of the list I printed (very large and neat so that other shoppers could read it.):
KY JELLY
LARGE ATTRACTIVE CUCUMBER
PORN MAG



Make sure you look at the expression on his face...

Painted barricade to fuck with snipers...
And you complain about your commute to work. Yeah, that ought to be very stressful.

Whadda ya mean raw sewage?!?!

TRUE:  My wife got a call the other night from a young male friend of ours. He said he was about to get arrested and asked that we come and bail him out the next morning. My wife and I just nodded to each other and went about our business.
How many people would you do that for?
For my wife and I it's every fucking body we know.



Note chains...
At least these are working animals and not imprisoned for our amusement.

You know what you don't hear near often enough?
"Move the fucking stroller, bitch!"




Do you think these children will ever be "normal"?

When I was first hired as a bartender, the owner asked me if I knew what to do when a woman is choking. I told him I usually just back up a few inches.

What a fucking segue.....

When I get out of doing something by saying I have a lot on my plate, that's Ralph-code for "I'm self-medicating again."



And the United States of America is worried about the Indians...

People with high self-esteem lack imagination.



TRUE: Scientists have demonstrated that crows develop grudges against individual humans.

Probably this one...(another pretty cool segue)....

Not sure, but I think this is signpainter's school...
I have a friend who can letter perfectly. He never ceases to amaze me with his skill. He taught himself how to do it while on a warship in the Gulf of Tonkin.

It's time somebody invented nicotine Chapstick. 



Do. Want.
I mean it. This is cool as fucking shit.

And a good time was had by all...



You had one job...one fucking job!
Children make me so fucking mad sometimes.

What kind of asshole names his dog Tarkovsky?



I would so wear this coat....

My wife does this shit all the time...
...and I love her for it.
I told our bartender today, and meant it, that the secret to a happy marriage is to fall in love over and over again.....with the same person. Nothing could be truer.

Sweet fucking dreams...

I find it amazing that there are still optimists.



This is me when a girl told me a light year was the distance between the Earth and the Sun...

One's of my very own...
I hate to brag...but that's funny as shit!

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