About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

THURSDAY #1431


Well, Gentle Reader, I applied for ads for this blog and was almost instantly found lacking. No ads for you, said the internet. Go fuck yourself, said I.



I am always amazed how people will invest time and money in every "miracle cure" that pops up.

Take my wife. She will spend huge sums of money on various "natural" drugs because some clerk at the health food store...the clerk with no formal training whatsoever, tells her that said drugs will make her all better.







That her body will shit out 99% of that vitamin C doesn't seem to concern her.
If you think about it just the right way, cows are vegetarians and when you eat them you are just eating grass in another form.

Don't have enough soldiers? Let's shame the shit out of the women...


I know I've run this in the ground, but I find it disgusting that poor people give this man their pennies so that he can surround himself with gold.
....like he is a king or queen. I actually respect the royals more, since there was no pretense in their amassing of wealth...

"We are living on this planet as if we had another one to go to."



"I have loved the stars too fondly to be tearful of the night."



"If you want to have sex with an asshole, then go fuck yourself," she said.



If Monday was a girl, it would be a fat girl who likes horses and tells the teacher when you cheat.



Not one of my very own...

I'm invited to share germs from various dip bowls with complete strangers at a Super Bowl party.



Three of the people I love most in the world looking for fossils. That's what good parents do...

I judge people's reactions to my jokes on this scale:
1. Laugh
2. Clap
3. Knee slap
4. Point
5. Lean back


Speaking of...

Congratulations on trading in a job you hate for a job you hate that pays better.



Montana was voted best state to write an anti-government manifesto.
My state, South Carolina, proudly flies the American flag because federal law requires it.
Texas, where everything is bigger and more punishable by death.



Most of us are just two people short of a threesome.



Downtown Abbey has taught me there was a time when British healthcare was just as horrifying as ours.



Be thankful for every day you wake up without a pimple on the inside of your nose.



You have to try to read this in his voice....
 "What the fuck do you know?"...HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!


Only strippers shave above the knee.



From Urban Dictionary...



What the fuck is that? Where am I? Who am I?....

One of the most depressing things I've ever seen was American tourists in Paris eating at a McDonald's.



And on a similar topic...

And then us humans...


"non-sexual".....


Giggling is the cure-all for every ailment.


Camo is America's away colors.



From the lips of a big Muslim priest: The more a man copulates with his already pregnant wife, the smarter the child will be.



Something Else You Would Know Way Before Now If You Read More: There was a huge study done by the Smithsonian concerning cats. It found that cats kill more fauna than any other cause....ANY OTHER CAUSE! And forget about mice. The kills of choice are all kinds of birds, voles, chipmunks, and shrews. The numbers? 2.4 BILLION birds and 12.3 BILLION mammals.



To repeat: When people talk of "The" universe, all I think about is the universe we have so far discovered. I find it the height of arrogance to think we live in the only one...the same as us living on the only planet with life.

Word of the Day: Word-hoard: a person's vocabulary.



voting or opening a newspaper
Read this....
Well, at least he's thinking about it. What, of course, he forgot is that cars are not guaranteed in the constitution, whereas gun ownership is.
So let's compare oranges to oranges, shall we.
The constitution guarantees us the right to vote. With this guy's logic, voters should be able to pass a test. They must register their vote and have it inspected for correctness. And if they can't jump through all the hoops, then they are denied voting rights.

I read a very good article about maniacs like these...including the Muslims in the planes during 9/11.
They are all suicidal. All of these young men had decided that their lives were not worth living. Many (most?) mass shooters kill themselves after they have made as big a splash as they could. If you establish rules, I doubt seriously that people like these are going to obey.


"I was supposed to be having the time of my life."
- Sylvia Plath



TRUE: Florida is inviting hunters from all over the world to come and kill pythons. Pythons are taking over the Everglades and it is a very serious problem.
But (get ready) they have to be killed humanely. Apparently, the heads of these snakes can live a rather long time when severed from the body, and the animal rights people call this unnecessary suffering. Therefore, before the head is cut off, the brain must be destroyed.



You meet a man who tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and tell him, "That's a girl's name." Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissing Terry.


Meanwhile in Russia...

Did you ever notice how much gang members have in common with the elderly?
Both walk silly, wear fake teeth, and often have their hands in weird shapes....and medication is a given.



I appreciate people who do things like this just to give us each a little smile during our dreary lives...
 (did you notice that the end of the spy-glass was the peep hole?)


What a profound question...

Is there a name for a disorder where your wife elects only to take a shit outside?


1000 words...

Back when you didn't need a big dick to pick up chicks...

My jury is still out over pirating music and movies. Individually it is quite easy to rationalize. Collectively, with hundreds of millions pirating and then these thieves have denied money to people who have earned it.
Think of a great T-shirt design that you created. It starts selling like hot cakes, then cheaper knock-offs appear. Would you cry foul?
I don't give a shit about how much money a huge corporation makes, or the unfair practices they utilize. Or, for that matter, how stupid they are not to format a system that would prevent pirating. It's still their product and not yours.
And then there's me. I have never pirated anything...except putting an image on my blog that unbeknownst to me was copyrighted. Now, because pirating, the hammer is very likely to come down on me.
Like I said, my jury is still out.


One of my very own...

TRUE: A man told me a joke that I posted here weeks ago.
"Do you know what the bumps are around a woman's nipple is for? It's braille for suck here."
I smiled and said, "I heard it was braille instructions on how to find the clitoris."
He said, "The what?"
This man was not kidding. He has been married twice and he doesn't know what the clitoris is. How the fuck is that a possibility?


How not to riot...

"Oh, no, sir, it wasn't me, it was that other masked man..."
Sometimes a mistake is wearing white after Labor day; sometimes a mistake is invading Russia in the winter.

OOMVO...



1 comment:

Jambe said...

I'm pro-meat (and pro saturated fat, as it were, being fond of "paleo" diets) but we in the USA still eat far too much of it. If we had balanced sensible diets we could dedicate far less land to raising livestock (and their feed) and our nation's food prospects would be sustainable. As it stands, though, our decadence will be our downfall, as it was for countless cultures before us.

wrt "oranges to oranges", consider two points: 1) the Constitution only "guarantees" us the right to vote because we changed it to make it that way and, 2) your argument appeals to the authority of a document, which is inherently no better than appealing to the Bible or any other entrenched authority. We should subscribe to laws/morals because they have positive effects in the real world, not because of where or by whom they are written/spoken.

--

wrt snakes, just so I understand how this went down: some jackasses thought it was fun to import an invasive species, so now we have a population of critters doin' what they naturally do, therefore it is an ethical imperative to kill all of them with no regards to whether they might suffer? I wonder what the justification is for killing them in the first place? So indigenous fauna doesn't suffer? Tricky...

--

wrt piracy, consider the extremes: would you rather software and hardware be locked down by moneyed government/corporate interests so that OMG INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY can be protected, or simply accept that people are always gonna steal, say "Fuck Big Brother" and market directly to your audience in a sincere manner?

Given the analog hole, and given that technology for sharing media will always change faster than it can be regulated, I (personally) think the best course of action is to have drastically reduced IP laws (because copyright is way-the-fuck too bloated and patent laws (20yr) are too long, too, given the pace of innovation). Use these laws sensibly (i.e. for egregious misappropriation) but otherwise, "let them be". But I do have a strong libertarian streak (though I dislike that term given the hateful Randian and Beck-like nuts of this country).

--

Wow, that was a long response. A good post, it was. That great Sherlock-inspired OOMVO caught me by surprise (it's not at all true, btw; Holmes isn't a sociopath; he could very well be described as having Asperger Syndrome, though).

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