About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

WEDNESDAY #1412


I just got back from a "function" whereby all the shop owners in my wife's area attended. I went because there was an open bar.
But that's not the story. The story is that my daughter is in town and agreed to go with me. Before we walked upstairs to the affair she told me about a homeless man she had met in Washington, DC. She said, "He looked very much like you, but not as caloried."
I said, "Caloried? Did you just make that word up?"
She said that she had, in fact, just winged it.
I think it is a great word. A word that should enter the conversation of as many educated people as possible, as soon as possible.
Caloried. Write it down. With your help we can make it so.


Got the flu. Found out a Nyquil margarita will knock it right out.


You simply can't make this shit up...
I'm sorry, I can't let that go. 
That has to be the most obscene shit I have ever heard of. If you, by chance, had your dick sucked while your parents looked on...no wonder your worldview is askew.


Wonder why I've moved from a mere atheist to militant anti-deist? Read what they want to do to American children...

I think we ought to bring back the word "fancy" as in, "I fancy some fried chicken right now." I think it's a lovely word.
I do not, however, fancy being over-caloried.



Just sayin'.....

"...the tree disobeyed him." Well, that explains that.


This morning I poured my cereal in the bowl then discovered that we were out of milk, leaving me to try to pour all that cereal back through the little hole like a fucking animal.



I told my wife that in the eyes of wives, husbands were always wrong. She replied, "That's not true."



There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let daddy sleep."




I hope you remember my story about R only J only Moore, because I heard him telling a couple at the bar the other night that he was brought up in Tennessee and all of his brothers and sisters, as well as his cousins, were all named just two letter.
Then he began to recite their names with lightning speed.
"There was LT, TJ, WD, PC, PR, PL, LC, DD, EE, EG,...."
And he listed at least forty names.
I found that amazing.



The tree doesn't fall far from the apple.
That's actually rather true.



3.14% of sailors are pi rates.


Not sure this is true...130 plants and animals go extinct every 24 hours?


Nothing good comes from hitting reply all.


And if you look at it, shouldn't it be double-v?

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 







I know a guy who graduated from West Point who can do this...


This is not a clip...it's a picture of a clip that I would not watch. I hate this trend of showing people die, then posting it for other peoples' amusement...




Pa-fucking-eeeez.....

I wish I was in a gang so I knew what to do with my hands in pictures.



These look like the boots my friend found when he helped clean out his grandfather's attic. They were covered in fungi and shit, but he cleaned them up perfectly and wore them on occasion.
What was so cool about them was that the toes of the boots curved inward noticeably, to assist in keeping the foot in the stirrups, since his grandfather was in the cavalry in WWI.


Am I the only one who mimics the facial expressions described in books? Like "...raised their eyebrows", "bit their lip", etc.




I am clearly a bad influence on myself.



There is much more evidence supporting the ancient astronaut theory than creationism.


I have come to the conclusion that people on the internet are racists...especially the young people. I don't know why, since they are cool with homosexuality. It's really quite ugly and stupid.
(I only included the above to make my point. I advocate none of the above.)

Every few weeks I try to make objects move with my mind just in case I've developed telekinetic powers and didn't know it.



And to think...this is BEFORE Pornhub....

This is me when the bathroom knob is wet...

"My salsa makes all the pretty girls want to dance and take off their underpants..."


It's called photography, and it's a magic thing...

"Hey boobs, nice lady."

Here's an idea: How about if only people WITH vaginas make rules ABOUT vaginas, and the rest shut the fuck up.


"Because I can, that's why."
I don't get the point.

"Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol."

Life is like Shawshank Redemption, but with more tunneling through shit and no fucking redemption.



Can you say Pretentious Bastards, boys and girls...
"We demand to be taken seriously!"




4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Actually, the tree didn't "disobey" Jesus, it just hadn't produced any fruit. And that was the point the Lord was making to his disciples, that if you're not producing fruit then you're not doing anyone any favors.

Ralph Henry said...

Are you trying to tell me that talking to a tree is rational?

bruce said...

You quoted Tom Waits up there. One of my favorite of his quotes, and there are many. Now I am CERTAIN that I'd like you to buy me a beer.

Regards,
Bruce
Arkansas

Jambe said...

I agree with Bruce about the lobotomy quote... what a delightfully weird guy.

---

Exact figures on extinction rates seem dubious given our ignorance of current species diversity, let alone how little we know of historical biodiversity. I'm more confident in more fine-grained and specific predictions (e.g. 1/4 of all mammal species extinct in 30-50 years). There are some 5700 mammal species known, for example, as opposed to several millions of species of insects, and perhaps a billion or more species of bacteria.

I do believe we (humans) are greatly increasing the rate of extinction on the planet. I actually wouldn't be surprised if the real extinction rate is higher than most of these counters and stats claim. We're constantly shuffling shit around, creating vast artificial ecosystems through farming and building, etc. We're also creating new species (or variations thereupon) all the time, both deliberately (e.g. GM corn) or accidentally (resistant diseases and pests).

Also, it takes a broad brush to cover two billion internet users. Many 'net-goers certainly are racists, though, and the internet can make it worse by providing countless segregated communities (Michael Stevens mentioned "cyberbalkanization" yesterday and I kinda like that take on it). Plus, anonymity makes people act shittier online than they would in person. The Internet Great and Terrible, I guess...

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