TUESDAY #1488

Spring time has finally arrived here...or as we call it, "Cleavage Season". Young white orbs unblemished by the harsh summer rays. Just another reason to wake up every morning.

The internet has spoken...this guy is a walking, talking joke...

Have you ever wanted something so badly that you would do what this young man is doing?

Of course, when (not if) they win, it will take decades for them to return to normalcy....

Years ago my wife invented the sexual position called "The Possum." It's where she lays there pretending to be dead and I keep poking her with my erection until it goes away.

How....frustrating....

...and with frustration comes aggression...

"What makes you think we're having sex tonight? asked the wife.
"Because I'm stronger than you," said no husband ever....although he's thinking it.

This is a $300 portable scanner. You put anything you want on the turntable and a laser will give you all the information you need to print it on a 3D printer anywhere in the world...

It took me many years to come out to my parents that I was Lithuanian. They did not take the news lying down. There was, of course, the expected monetary penalty, but in the end they got used to the accent, even among their closest friends.


Prank gone wrong...

This guy should maybe watch the clip above...

I so very much hope that the word "berserk" appears at least once in my obituary.


For Lara...

Am I the only one who ever farted at the dinner table at a family function and then blamed it on a great aunt with dementia?

Inside of a U-Boat...

That explains music, but what about them excelling in just about everything else you can think of.

I've taught a whole bunch of Asian students and every single one of them were my best artist as well as excelling in all academic subjects, even American History.

Don't blink, people, there are mind boggling changes afoot...

Note to Self:
It's time to grow up, be responsible, and act like an adult.

Self to Note:
Shut the fuck up.


For Scott....

As far as we know, no other species in the universe goes camping.


It's called motivation...Step One....not Step Two...

One of my very own...

North Korea, the only FAIL visible from space.

TRUE: There is a man whose job is to be a pot critic. Yes, he gets paid to smoke dope and then write about it.
He is the very first one and he must have done something extraordinarily good in his past life.

And another point of view...

How soon we forget...

You see an item at Walmart 50 cents cheaper than the American product and you can't resist, knowing resisting is the only way to: A) bring back our economy by buying American, and B) maybe bringing change to an oppressive regime. 

How to make a lot of money from stupid people...

...convince them to buy your product...and shoes.

Another photograph I never would have thought existed...

Have you ever thought an argument was over, then she ends her last sentence with "Motherfuckaaaaaaaaah!"

I'm sorry to confess, but if I had body parts this magnificent, I would show them off at every opportunity...

And if I were arrested, I would show them off during my mug-shot.

I couldn't agree more. Funny how we know gay people exist and don't know if god exists, but deny gay people their rights on the off chance it might piss god off.

Sweat is just your body crying because it wants you to stop moving.

Besides caffeine, nicotine and alcohol, I don't do drugs...marijuana being an herb, of course.

I'm not saying not to trust the internet, but there's an alarming discrepancy between the number of iPads I've won and the number of iPads I own.


VERY, VERY TRUE: I want to believe so badly. These things would answer so many questions, but I'm just not convinced......................yet...

They say 1 out of every 3 people cheat in a relationship. Not sure if it's my wife or my girlfriend.


Maybe there is a god....

There is no better feeling than awakening to the smell bacon cooking, and the sound of laughter, both wafting from the kitchen.

There was an accident at the circus and the guy who is fired from the cannon got killed. They will never find someone of his caliber.
(I hope you don't have to read that twice)

There's a flying fuck joke in there somewhere.

To keep me from hearing embarrassing noises while she is in the bathroom, my wife has begun to scream as loud as she can the entire time.


The patent for...well, you know...

There is so very much wrong with this photo...

But, fuck normality.

Today when informed that an acquaintance died of a heart attack, a guy said, "My heart goes out to the family."
I said, "You a day late."


Because he fucking can, that's why...

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
I am having so much fun with my new come back. I mentioned it a few days ago, but you might have missed it.
"Hi, Ralph, how are you?"
"Better than you are or ever hope to be."
I suggest you try this just once. Nobody has failed to laugh. And when you try it, and the person enjoys it, think of me, bitch.....think of me.