WEDNESDAY #1502

Okay, the Seeing Eye Person is training the blind person to understand his future dog's instructions. Blind guy texting. What's up with that?

TRUE: There is a website that lets you send a gallon of cow, elephant or gorilla shit anonymously to someone for revenge.


And to think, one person wrote this line....

It has been determined that some of these guys simply can't be "cured", so judges have ruled that they stay in jail after their term is up...

I could look at this in my home every day and like it every time...

Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case someone invites you to something stupid.

I rewrote Voltaire's Candide and set it in the 1950's American South. My Candy (Candide) was a half black half white orphan who was white. Let the games begin.

Site suggested you cook cookies in a cup...

 But many glazes used on cups break down in ovens so you should be very careful. And orange juice in a glazed cup could fuck you up also. I think it leeches out the lead.

Sooth the savage beast my ass...

"Do you have any history of mental illness in your family?"
"I have an aunt who's a nun."

"Woke up at 3am to find kid crying and covered in vomit. Had to clean him, clothes, and bed. And they said I wouldn't learn anything from being in a fraternity.

I wonder how many of you are going to make this connection...

Mark the lip licker...

I have no idea why I posted that. I guess I just like watching really rich people doing stupid shit like the rest of us.

If there were five loan managers in a bank, I would wait for this one...

A dying breed. These guys train the birds to fish for them...

"If you say no to oral sex, somewhere a little bunny starts to cry." I've used that line a thousand times. It worked once.

Got children? This Earth Day pour out the pancake batter in the shape of Pangea and name it Pangeacakes. Then while ya'll are eating, explain it to them.

Okay, I get the old foul ball in the iPad thing...

 ...but I don't get the playing softball on a football field.

Yes, this is the way the Milky Way dies. As I understand it, the combination of the Milky Way and Andromeda will be called "Mildromeda", if there is anyone left to call it anything...and it will lose it's spiral arms...

My question is, if all galaxies are flying away from each other in an ever expanding universe, how is it that two could run into one another.

Well, shit...

My dog only eats top-quality organic freshly baked treats...and its own feces.


One of my very own...

Had a parrot once, but it learned all my wife's orgasm noises and scared the holy shit out of guests.

What a great costume!

It even looks like he has wires or something in the back of his jacket to hold he out.

If you ever want to hang up on someone, do it in the middle of one of your own sentences, that way the person will think it's a phone problem.

Remember when this was the biggest problem you had during the day...

Ever wonder what happens when you ring out a wet washrag in space? Think about it...answer later.

I held the door for two old ladies at the drug store. Both of them ended up ahead of me at the pharmacy counter and both had lengthy difficulties with their prescription.

No.

On the ship of life, there are no lifeboats.

East German soldier being human...

 Speaking of....East and West Berlin can still be seen by the different color of the street lights...

I have a buddy who used to be a drug dealer. One night he had 100K in cash and he became paranoid that someone would come back and rob him in the night. So he grabbed a quart of whiskey, his pistol and the bag of money and headed for the woods near his home. Still paranoid he scoured around and found a small hole in the bottom of a tree and concealed the bag inside.

 Bottle empty, he woke up the next morning - still in the woods - and had no idea where the money was. It took him three days before he finally found it.

Oh, and not all the money was his, so things were quite tense for a while.

Something that for no amount of money would three heterosexual men do....

Watched "This Must Be The Place" with Johnny Depp. A very unusual movie that I enjoyed thoroughly.
Suggestion #2: "Conned", very strange. Let's just leave it at a third of the cast being deaf mutes.

Life is too short for cheap bread...

TRUE: I have had to take several new medications lately. One or more of them has given me a mild case of constipation. The other day I was trying very hard to have a bowel movement, but nothing. I wiped to make sure, then stood up. Unbeknownst to me, straining to stand I had forced out an olive sized turd that dropped down into my back pocket...the pocket that holds my wallet. What are the fucking chances?
And please don't ask me how I found out that there was a turd in my pocket.

How many bridge workers does it take to change a light bulb?

One with the proper equipment.

I try to do at least one illegal thing a day.

It's not called a leg up for nothing...

I got tired of reading bed time children's books to my children, so I began making them up. Some of them got very gruesome and my daughter looked like this...

 I took that as a warning sign, so ended the story by having Little Boo-Boo wake up and realizing it had all been a bad dream. My daughter didn't take that very well.

During the next few stories she would point at me and say, "This better not be a dream!"

The water just hangs around the rag and coats the hand like jelly. It's a viscosity thing...

Wife wanted to join a gym to lose some weight. I talked her into a free weight loss plan whereby she jogs to get me a beer every time I wanted one. She’s lost 12 pounds this first week. I call that a win-win.

LET'S FINISH UP WITH SOME SEX TALK

She may soon learn the alternative meaning to "get a little piece of ass"...

My wife and I recently reached sexual harmony....we had headaches at the same time.

Physical contact?!?

Hell, where I come from you could get your ass kicked for making eye contact!

I'm sure that's photoshopped....right........right?
AND THEN THERE'S THIS...

Gina, a resident of the Seville Zoo in Spain, chose to solely watch adult entertainment channels when a television and remote control was placed in her enclosure. Primatologist Pablo Herreros, writing in Spanish newspaper El Mundo, claimed he made the discovery some years ago on a tour of the nation’s chimpanzee enclosures. During his research trip he conducted surveys on the behavior of the animals. Herreros wrote, “What I could never imagine were the surprises prepared for me by a female of this species called Gina who inhabited Seville Zoo.” “Due to the intense interior lives that these animals have, you have to enrich their environment to stimulate them physically and psychologically,” Herreros wrote.  “These usually consist of artificial mounds, toys and other inventions that require them to be active and sharpen their wits. It is the equivalent of occupational therapy for humans.” To enliven Gina’s nights, officials apparently decided to install a television, protected behind glass, and gave her a remote control so she could change the channels herself. And enliven herself she did. “The surprise was when they found that within a few days, Gina was not only using the remote control perfectly well, but that she also used to choose the porn channel for entertainment, as many of us would have done, ” Herreros wrote. “Although a small study estimated that porn films are only watched for about 12 minutes on average, the truth is that human and non-human primates possess an intense sexual life.”