TUESDAY #1501

SOME NEWS...

Nike rip-off....and Nike went nuts...

I have no idea what this means.....anyone......anyone?

This motherfucker is three miles wide and 3/4 of a mile deep and this landslide could upset copper supply all over the world...like it's not expensive enough already...

This woman collected everything she ever removed from her son's pockets before washing, then when he moved away she presented him with a lamp filled with the artifacts...

Am I the only one who sees a dick?

...maybe it's just me.

I watched the film Hitchcock. He was good. Very, very good.

My wife has a habit of scratching her ass then smelling her finger; a habit I have been unable to break. Her mom said that it started very early in her life, which should explain her heavy drug use in high school. I have learned to recognize the pre-scratch/sniff expression she gets on her face, so I have time to divert my gaze, but the general public don't have such skills. Most often she uses the reach around technique, but occasionally she employs the spread leg reach under method. 
The other night we were dining out at a french restaurant with another couple when my wife stood up and used the reach under method with a prolonged scratch that she seemed to really enjoy. Then, after a long sniff, she just sat back down and resumed eating. Our woman guest gasped, "Aren't you going to at least wash your hands?" and my wife said, "Don't be silly", one of her favorite things to say. 
Now that you know this about my wife, it should be crystal clear why she married later in life.

My wife started cursing early for a girl. Her mother tried to wash her mouth out with soap, but she just deep-throated it.

Bill Clinton playing with his balls...

Not sure if I could have resisted stabbing the motherfucker...

Old buildings + camera....just do it...

These buildings are all abandoned...

Can you imagine the photos you could take inside?

Where are all the nice people?

I also never much cared for yellow.

Ladies, when you walk away from a group of people and you hear them say "What an ass", they may not be talking about your butt.

Almost all of us possess a tool more powerful than was imagined by wildest thinkers of the past. And we use this marvel to look at pictures of cats and pornography.


This is for the boy...

A politician is in trouble for referring to women as "vaginas". Can you imagine referring to a person by their genitals. What a dick!

It would be impossible to imagine going through life without swearing and enjoying it.

A new study shows that the germiest place in your kitchen is the refrigerator's vegetable drawer. Upon hearing this most Americans said, "We have a vegetable drawer?"

Advice to young men: Phoning home to get bailed out of jail on Cinco de Mayo does not count as a Mother's Day call.

Some of the biggest understatements of all time...

Somebody told me that if you are lost in a strange neighborhood, just look for satellite dishes on houses. They face south.
Is that true?

Did this on a suggestion from reader...

An idiot, Nazi dictator Republican....wow!

"Let's go!"

But what would you expect him to say? "Wait, wait, wait! I've changed my mind. Let me out of here!"

As one (me) would expect, the Big Bang has its distractors...

A sketch artist drew two pictures of the same woman. One by her own description and one as described by a total stranger. Every time the person described herself, she was much uglier than the stranger's description...

Why did the chicken cross the road?
     Seriously?
To get to the ugly bitches house.
     I don't get it.
Knock, knock.
     Who's there?
The chicken.

The only reason I play poker is the off chance that this will someday happen to me...

I almost got turned down for an insurance policy over a word usage...you might want to write this down.
Got a phone call:
She: "So, can you tell all the medications you currently take?"
Me: (I listed them)
She: "Sorry, sir, but your application stated that you took heart medicine. Let me get my supervisor."
Other she: "Sir, there appears to be a problem with your medication. There is a discrepancy in your application in that it states you take medication for your heart."
Me: "Ma'am, we live in the South. Most people in the South refer to blood pressure medicine as "heart medicine", including my wife. Since my wife filled out the form, she used the colloquial meaning of the word "heart medicine"; meaning blood pressure medicine. I assure you, my heart is fine as evidenced by my last stress test."
I got the policy.

A truer statement was never uttered...

The parents who need it most have no idea what that means. Sad, that.

What do you see from this Google Map?

Here's a closer look...

I see a man petting a wet dog that just shook himself dry.
As a matter of fact, the largest "blood" pattern is shaped like a dog.

I've seen people take shots from a ski like this, but never saw it done exactly this way before...

This has been around a while...

But I find this......adaptation hilarious...

This is the University of South Carolina's football stadium.

Our biggest (by far) rival is Clemson whose logo was painted on our field. We shall have our revenge...

When you see a woman do this...

...she really, really wants to beat the shit out of you.
I mean it. In her mind's eye, you are oozing blood and/or mucus from every orifice.

And those motherfuckers worship this thing!!!
Throw water on it...that's so precious...

Well, maybe it's a COW-osaki.

You suppose that hurts. It looks like it hurts...

Is that a sand blaster? Jeeeez!

TRUE: A buddy of mine told me his brother raised live decoy ducks. Here's the deal. he gets little ducks, and clips something (tendon?) in the wing so it can never fly. Then every time he feeds them, he blows a whistle. Then when it's time to put them to work, he puts them all in a large cage in your pickup, drives to the lake, props up a ramp and opens the cage door. The little bastards waddle down the ramp, paddle around the lake while the hunters hunt, then at the end of the day he just puts some food in the cage, blows his whistle and the motherfuckers just waddle right back in the cage. Brilliant. Fucking brilliant.
And if you think about it just right, and you are a duck, that's a pretty cool way to make a living.

Somebody finally found the sock orphanage....

A painter paints, a teacher teaches, a potter pots, a plumber plumbs, but does a butcher butch?

One of my very own...

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Watching "This Must Be The Place" with Johnny Depp.
Here is a bit of dialogue I found intriguing.
(the tattoo guy speaks first)

Depp:

Tattoo Guy:

Depp: