A MONDAY MORNING JOKE JUST FOR YOU
(all I ask if for you to give credit where
credit is due when you retell it)
A man and his wife were sitting around the kitchen table and discussing their need for money. She said, "Well, I can always turn a few tricks to bring in some cash."
Her husband said, "Well, if you stood out on Holly Street I could wait around the corner to make sure you are safe."
So, that's what they did.
A car pulled up and asked her "How much?" and she replied "$100". He said, "I only have $30."
She asked him to wait, walked around the corner and told her husband that he only had $30. He told her to offer him a hand job.
So, she went back to the car, offered the John a hand job for $30 and he accepted. She got in the car and he unzipped his fly and out flopped a dick as big around as a beer can and hung down to his knees. She asked to be excused again, walked around the corner to her husband and said, "Would you lend that guy $70?"
I heard that joke from a near homeless guy who, by all indications, was driven near insane in Vietnam. He was very...VERY...disappointed that I didn't have a joke for him...a quid pro quo, as it were. With that said, please, Gentle Reader, send me any and every new joke you have. Put it in comments. I see all comments.
It is a soft ‘G,’ pronounced ‘jif.’ End of story.
Everyone needs a sense of humor...
When discussing the government funding shelters in Moore, the governor said that the chances of Moore getting hit by another such tornado was just about zero.
(Knock on fucking wood)
And, no, I didn't forget about Memorial Day.
By now, one would hope that you know the respect the young men and women deserve who live with this threat every day...
My concern is the world wide glorification of combat. I think the toys and/or games ought to be more realistic...
The massive (obscene) amounts of money made by some people supplying a war is most disturbing to me...
We've all watched movies about Vietnam. I just watched movies about the Russians in Afghanistan and the French in Algeria...and they are all the same. Everybody tortured. All committed atrocities. All had vastly superior air support and vastly superior fire power on the ground. And all stayed fucked up on drugs and alcohol as often as possible. All taken beyond the breaking point. And they all lost their wars for one very simple reason. The will of the opposition.
But, heck, maybe it's different this time.
This is sort of how it's like for husbands trying to get sex from a....sensitive woman....
Damn!
Today, Dora's question was in Spanish.
What's up with that?
Today, Dora's question was in Spanish.
What's up with that?
I think we've all kept our mouths shut for far too long.
I'm glad we don't have to hunt for our food anymore. I don't even know where sandwiches live.
Could anybody explain this to me?
Every kiss may begin with K, but so does Klamidia.
Human ingenuity....damn!
One million one dollar bills...
Bad things happen to bad people...
I'd rather kill myself than to commit suicide.
Pay attention...
You gotta watch this guy...begins in upper right...
This has got alcohol written all over it...
How to know the lemming effect is being taken much too seriously...
Lori logic...
This is factual...
She had hip cancer and after surgery she had this ability.
In other clips you can see that she uses crutches.
In other clips you can see that she uses crutches.
Don't write so you can be understood. Write so you can't be misunderstood.
Don't practice until you get it right. Practice until you can't get it wrong.
Told friends at bar about the above, they said "Thank you for sharing that information", I
said "You’re welcome" and one guy said "Please tell us something else interesting."
If you family's bellies were empty and you saw whole baskets of bread on the other side of a window, would you throw a brick?
Yes. Yes, you would.
Underwear with sack for balls and tube for dick to be held in an upright position...
....like it was meant to be.
No matter how hot your girlfriend is, you will always watch porn.
Ladies, when will you stop this shit?
To repeat...is life just one long beauty contest?
The greatest invention of all time...
So do guns cause more homicides?
Reality is for people who lack imagination.
All fast food restaurants should have a third window where you can trade in all the wrong shit they gave you at the second window.
What a beautiful concept.
(for Bruce)
I'm into wait and see prescriptions.
I wait until the doctor is out of the room and see if I can find his prescription pad.
(for Bruce)
I'm into wait and see prescriptions.
I wait until the doctor is out of the room and see if I can find his prescription pad.
One of my very own...
I was invited to a friend's wedding but couldn't go. I apologized and then added, "Maybe next time."
Don't you wish Mean Joe Green had done this just once?
"My rape whistle has a nine shot clip."
Water to mouth...never mouth to water...
Is it just me? Or does that look like a sci-fi gay porn flick.
There is no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Bet you watch this more than once...
There is no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Bet you watch this more than once...
My other ride is
your sister.
I thought this well worth the read...
I love people who do shit like this...
If you masturbate in the hospital while attached to a heart monitor, it will scare the shit out of the nurses....trust me.
Almost like he's done it before...
AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
Sunday I met my good friend, Kent, at our favorite bar for the Indy 500. Neither of us knows shit about Indy racing, so I offered him a one dollar bet for odd or even car number winning. He chose even, which is the normal thing to do....I don't know why. But I'm a gambler, and I know the safer bet is odd. You see, if there is an even number of drivers, then the odds are dead even; but if there is an odd number of drivers, then the person who has odd has one more driver than the other guy. So we sat there drinking much too much, then half way through the race Kent said, "I don't have a one dollar bill, so let's bet five dollars." I agreed and car number 11 won.
On a side note, there was a driver in the race name WILL POWER....true.
One more story....Kent has a retina problem in his eye that he was very concerned about, so he went to the doctor who gave him a rectal cancer drug. Oddly enough, that same drugs that aids rectal cancer sufferers also aids his retina condition. I, of course, took the next logical step and asked how the fuck they found that out! We surmised that a rectal cancer patient who also had a retina ailment was given the drug and lo and behold he could see better.
What say you, Bruce?
Sunday I met my good friend, Kent, at our favorite bar for the Indy 500. Neither of us knows shit about Indy racing, so I offered him a one dollar bet for odd or even car number winning. He chose even, which is the normal thing to do....I don't know why. But I'm a gambler, and I know the safer bet is odd. You see, if there is an even number of drivers, then the odds are dead even; but if there is an odd number of drivers, then the person who has odd has one more driver than the other guy. So we sat there drinking much too much, then half way through the race Kent said, "I don't have a one dollar bill, so let's bet five dollars." I agreed and car number 11 won.
On a side note, there was a driver in the race name WILL POWER....true.
One more story....Kent has a retina problem in his eye that he was very concerned about, so he went to the doctor who gave him a rectal cancer drug. Oddly enough, that same drugs that aids rectal cancer sufferers also aids his retina condition. I, of course, took the next logical step and asked how the fuck they found that out! We surmised that a rectal cancer patient who also had a retina ailment was given the drug and lo and behold he could see better.
What say you, Bruce?
2 comments:
My favorite joke that i tell to just about everyone:
Guy is on business driving down the interstate and sees a billboard that reads "free beer next exit"
this man immediately pulls off at the next exit and walks into the bar taps on the counter, the bar tender walks over, and the man says "tell me about this free beer."
bar tender looks at him and says "have a few brews on the house and we'll talk" so the man down 3 or 4 beers and up walks the bar tender
""ready to hear about the free beer friend?" man replies "hell yes!"
so the bartender reaches behind him and grabs a dusty bottle of tequila with a worm in the bottom, "first things first, you gotta down this 5th of tequila, no chaser, and eat the worm, then you need to go out back where i have an alligator with a rotten tooth that i need taken out of him, then upstairs theres a beautiful 20 year old girl thats never been loved, if you can do those three things you my friend have free beer at this bar for life!"
Well this man snatched the bottle of tequila out of the bar tenders hand and started chugging, and took down the worm. He stumbles out of his seat to the back door and vanishes for 30-45 minutes.
Finally, the back door swings open, the man standing there blood from head to toe, hardly any clothes left on his body, he staggers over to the bar tender, grabs his collar and says "now where's that bitch with the tooth ache?"
and i give you the alligator joke
Hey Ralph.
Been in the mountains on a hiking trip with the boys and just now catching up on the blog. The reason the drug works for both types of cancer is that many different types of cancers have similar mutations that make them susceptible to the same drug or drug class. More than likely the drug was initially intended for FDA approval for the more common cancer, and then subsequently sought approval for the lesser cancer.
Bruce
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