TUESDAY'S FUTIFACTION #1536

(futile + satisfaction): unwarranted smugness.

I didn't know this...

A toaster/pizza tray hat... 

Because he fucking can, that's why.

Is human pregnancy and child birth a miracle?

 It is joyous, wonderful, and somewhat spooky, but the basics of it are identical to that of your dog's. It is a great process, but miracle? No.

I sure hope this is not photoshopped. I'm not sure why it would ruin it for me if it was, but it would...

Me and Albert:

Early in his life, Mr. Einstein weighed the time and effort required buying, donning, removing, washing, drying and darning socks against the benefit of wearing socks. He said no to socks. Same with combing or brushing his hair. And I bet he also rejected daily bathing. 
So what do you have in common with Albert Einstein?

“Will I ever spell weirdo with confidence?”

I'm an independent and love to fuck with both parties.

How to know your government is not committed to an idea...

I took a sexual harassment course today...I think I'm going to be pretty good at it.

And for all you men who have not rejected manliness, here is a handy guide.....

 There are those, like myself, who have never trimmed their mustache since it grows to the side instead of down.

My father's did the same thing. My brother's does not.

I knew a woman who was so stupid she got fired from a blow job.

You can't imagine how many of these things I've made up....and it's much harder than one would think...

From an article I read....

Mencolek (Indonesian) 
You know that old trick where you tap Bob Barker lightly on the opposite shoulder from behind to fool him? The Indonesians have a word for it. 

Or maybe there was a snake in the boat.
He just killed a bottle of Jack Daniels just to watch it die.

How did this happen?

Who decided that natural procreation is "nasty"?

There are many ways to hold a child...

 I opted this way....very high, face to face...

 The child and I can see eye to eye; I can tell what she's looking at and she can tell what I'm looking at. Also, seeing the expression on her face was an indication she wanted to explore something more....like the expression this child has.

Holy fucking shit, ya'll....DAMN!

(pun intended)

“Anything worth dying for… is certainly worth living for.”
— Joseph Heller, Catch-22

This is my wife when I try to do something silly....

....while naked.

My wife stopped giving the insane homeless woman who used to hang out on my back porch in the mornings any money, so she now only comes around occasionally. Then my wife’s packs of cigarettes began mysteriously disappearing from the porch during the night and she was furious. So I saw this woman on a sidewalk and flat out accused her of stealing from my wife who had been so nice to her, then added, “Are you out of your fucking mind!?” To which she answered, “Shit, Bubba, I thought you knew. Every evaluation I've ever had says I am. I got papers and everything.”
Here she is with my wife...

...my wife is the one on the right.

Little boys are like goofy grown men....minus the alcohol...

You and your fucking coffee.

One of my very own...

I tend to make bad decisions when I’m drunk.

This is a guy I taught in school. He was an international male model in Japan and NY for a while then "got too old". Now he works for my wife...selling clothes.

A major fundraising event for a local theater troupe is a drag queen contest featuring prominent straight guys. This is our good friend....or as my wife said, "The ugliest "woman" I have ever seen."

The wife bought me a new Tundra truck for our trek across Canada in July. Much more room than the Tacoma.

Yeah, like we couldn't tell...

“Be yourself” is the worse advice you can give some people.

My bar deep fries half-cooked dough to make their rolls. You can't image how good they are.

Why do you suppose there are targets on the shoulders?

To practice just winging him?

Nature's fractals...

Early in my college career I had the good fortune to take an introductory art history course taught by the head of the department. The man had traveled the world photographing everything he taught...from pyramids to Aztecs to Mona Lisa. The photographs (slides actually) all had his wife posed very similar to the image below.

Has anyone else every wondered what a fish vagina smells like?

 What to do when you find a snake in the street: A Tutorial...

Saw an article titled "What Real Lesbians Think of 'Lesbian Porn' Made For Straight Guys". I didn't actually read the article cause I don't give a fuck what real lesbians think about it.

"Oh, no, the volcano is erupting! What do we do?"

"Take a picture of it, of course."

 I actually watched this movie....and enjoyed it...

You know you have a good wife when a big bossomed woman walks by and she nudges you so you don't miss it.

Read an article about how hard is it to fake an emotion. We humans are very good at picking out the bullshit.

The hardest emotion to fake is surprise.

DO NOT SCROLL DOWN TO THE NEXT CLIP....

PLEASE...JUST LET IT GO.......

YOU ARE ASKING FOR IT.....

BUT AS LONG AS YOU ARE GOING TO WATCH IT...WATCH IT TO THE END......

That almost made me puke.....true.