FAT FRIDAY #1561

This man should be an example to us all. By his will alone he refused to hate his tormentors, allowing the transition from apratheid to happen with minimum violence...

I didn't get this political cartoon, and I don't like not getting political cartoons...

Anybody?

Today I was eating a sandwich while driving. I slowed for road construction and the worker was also eating a sandwich. As I passed him, I raised my sandwich and he raised his, and we shared a moment of mutual sandwich appreciation.
But did you ever notice that the same people who gripe the most about potholes are also the ones to complain about road work delays the most?

If you received an email from me last night, please disregard it. My computer was drunk.

Of course the dots don't really move...

You may think that this man is acting like he has never been in charge of anything before...

 That's because he has never been in charge of anything before....he did his internship as the leader of the most powerful nation on earth.

Please tell me that somebody can translate this...

My wife says I'm too critical. That's another one of her faults.

I met a lesbian who was a gynecologist. I could just gape in awe.

STOP ACTING SO DESPERATE!

This is such a great idea...

Just about every great idea I have gets me in trouble.

Ladies and gentlemen, I predict that this child will become a truly great actress at the top of her profession...

I'm not the jealous type, but my wife is not allowed to talk to Jake from State Farm.

When your sneeze turns into a fucking Death Metal scream.

I have done this so many times and consider it the best food obtainable...

 I was so lazy, however, that I used those disposable aluminum trays so I wouldn't have to wash it. But eggs fried in bacon grease can't be beat.

It's time to re-post this....

 A friend of mine went to a live concert and was furious that just about everyone present spent the whole time holding up their phone cameras...arguably missing the whole essence of a live performance...

I found that being comfortable talking in front of large crowds also made appearing on TV very easy...

I once gave a presentation to 3000 people. I finished early and had a few minutes left. I told them we were going to play Simon Says, then stated the two rules. Then I said, "If you understand the rules, raise your hand." 99% of the people did and were out of the game. But that left the other 1%, so I said, "Okay, if you did not raise your hand, stand up and let's play." That's how I got the 1% out of the game.

This is the way we all look when we're sitting on an almost empty bus and someone sits next to us...

I'm a fast listener, which means that I'm usually done hearing people before they even finish talking.

Lazy people know that spilt water will eventually dry.

One of my better One of my very own...

Whenever you correct someone's grammar, just remember...nobody like you.
And personally, I think there are so many grammar Nazis on the internet because English majors have no jobs.

This is the dumbest thing I have ever read on the internet...

Well....duh!

Researches demonstrating that one of those huge statues on Easter Island could have been "walked" into place...

Watched a movie, "Proud", about the only all-black warship in WWII...the USS Mason...

 Also watched Korean movie, "The Front Line". It took two years after the "cease fire" in Korea to draw the line for the new border. During that time both sides fought and died to take territory that would push the border one way or the other. The movie was about one hill that had been taken and lost 30 times and the thousands of soldiers who died for a one millimeter shift on a map.

This is part of a beautiful ballad sung during a camera pan of the dead scattered on the battlefield after the last battle.

My precocious daughter once said, "I am fully aware that money doesn't grow on trees. That's why I'm asking you for it."

OOMVO...

Do Australians reproduce just like normal people?
(this is from a country with spray-on cheese)

OOMVO...

Have you ever drank so much that you couldn't figure out whether you are extremely hungry or if you are going to vomit?

Tell a smoker that smoking is unhealthy and nobody bats an eye...

 Tell a fat person that being fat is unhealthy and everybody loses their minds.
"Servings per container: 5"....yeah, right.

I once had a friend who argued that handicapped parking places made people handicapped...

I think that all traffic lights ought to last long enough to write an entire text message.

Quid pro quo...

Some people are wise.
Other people are otherwise.

Let's do gay people, shall we?

 Speaking of...

Can you spot the queer monkey?

I'm sorry to admit, but the best advice I can give anyone is to marry rich.

More stair porn...

We all know that most posts are made by placing clay on a spinning wheel, but I watched a woman from Africa make a huge pot by walking around the stationary clay.

As I understand it, her tribe was the only one in the world to make pottery that way. She called her shuffle around the pot a dance. She was very, very cool.

I hate it when a sentence doesn't end the way I think it octopus.

Give this one enough time...

I'm not always sexist and racist, but when I am, I'm driving.

While I was very disappointed to find my daughter smoking a cigarette, I'll be damned if she didn't look cooler.

Okay, go ahead and explain this...I dare you...

I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.

When my wife is not feeling very attractive, she hangs out in Walmart for a couple of hours.


????

Fuck "Hunger Games", I'm waiting on "Diarrhea Games".
Think of the possible story lines.

I hate when people mix up "your" and "you're". I think there idiots.

Job applications always ask "Why do you want to work for us?" What do they expect you to say? "I've always bad a passion for cheap burgers"? When everyone knows the answer is because I need the fucking money.

Ever notice that most graphs look like a mountain range seen through a tennis racket? 
No? Maybe next time you see one you will.

I've mentioned before that everytime I see an image like this, I imagine the photographer's instructions to the model...

"Okay, then after you get butt naked, I want you to feed this leaf to a grown giraffe...and point the toes of one foot...got it?"

Most trendsetters are not sucessful...

THERE WILL BE NO POST TOMORROW.