MONDAY #1547

These are two of the slides that were leaked...

This guy is in hot water for getting caught doing something we all knew he was doing to start with...

 I am putting this post together over the weekend, so I know it will be dated by the time you see it. But this next item is rather...unsettling...

And just read that somebody has leaked the list of countries that the US plans to cyberattack in case they piss us off.

 I'm shocked! SHOCKED, I say, to hear that a federal agency wastes money. I don't really blame Washington. If I had a few trillion dollars at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible too...

 My school district used to have these "feel good" excerises. Once I was asked to pretend to be my favorite tree. I was a hat tree.

While all this is going on, some Americans have asked their companies for bereavement leave for the death of characters on GoT.

I'd be more upset about the NSA accessing my phone records if I used my phone for anything other than taking pictures of my dick.

A couple of interesting images from Turkey...

Do you know why a gun barrel is called a "barrel"?

 Before they invented metal casting, they used to use slats of metal and hold them in a cylinder with stays, just like the wooden slats of a barrel is held together. 

The rings around the cannon above hold it all together.

Boy, I sure wish this was one of mine...

We all know what happened next, don't we....

Does anyone else think that the Great Gatsby looks like a two hour Heineken commercial.

Read these two quotes on the same day:

"You can’t create the future by clinging to the past."

"Religion is our only connection to the past." (like that's a good thing)

No one would run a marathon if they had to sign a confidentiality agreement first.

This is exactly what I look like when someone comes up to me and informs me of a word I misspelled in my blog.

 I have three dear friends and family who have read every novel and short story I have ever written. I find it very interesting that after I reread it a dozen times looking for errors and then three other people did the same, there were STILL misspelled words....most in the form of a "form" for a "from" or a "he" for a "she".

Just sayin'.

 I can understand killing elephants for their ivory. I hate it, but can understand the unique art made from it. But the horn of a rhino is ground up and injested to make a Jap's dick hard. That's delusional.

But what really bothers me is that it is so expensive, that the dick's getting hard are those of rich people. It could be argued that the really rich, by their nature, tend to be more intelligent. So, you see my problem. These aren't poor uninformed peasants who are killing the animals, but sophistigated millionaires.

 Old news by now, but this doesn't surprise me one bit. He (quite logically) hates his job for which he is paid less than a self sustainable wage. He will find a way to empower himself...

Imagine what happened in the factory where those were made with far less supervision.

I often say "Keep the change" purely for my own convenience. 

"With all due respect" is a polite way of saying "Listen here, fucktard."

If there was a bigger wall along the Mexican border, natural selection would give us larger and stronger laborers.

 It's time we all accepted that Gay Pride Parades aren't much gayer than any other parade...

 "Let's break down gay stereotypes by wearing rainbow thongs and feather headdresses on glitter-covered floats."

Multiculturalism, bitch...

Justin Bieber is to music what Justin Bieber is to astrophysics.

This is how I look when the doorbell rings right after I sit down to take a shit...

Not only did I forget her name in the morning, I also forgot what I told her my name was.

Improvision during National Anthemn....

...and fuck the smirking drummer.

If I was ever guilotined, my last thoughts would be used wondering if I'd have 10-15 seconds to suck my own cock.

Relationships are like seesaws. If one of you get too fat the fun is over.

 "I can still wear the same size waist I did in high school."

Anyone can pretend to be smart, but you can't pretend to be witty.

I'd like to see a little less TED talk and a little more Ted action.

My 10 year old great nephew made a birdhouse. We're so screwed. 10 year olds in China are making iPhones.

 This actually makes perfect sense...

There are no feminists when the ship hits an iceberg.

What does it say about a people who seems to blame every other nation on earth?

My money is on a multiverse. That we just happen to live in the only one just seems silly...

Inspirational quotes are a dime a dozen, but I like that one.
If you don't like where you live...move. If you don't like who you're with...find somebody else. This is your one ticket and to waste even a day of it is beyond foolish.
I think this would be a good idea...

Death is not more sad than giving birth, finding your first pubic hair or ingesting food. It took me some time to figure this out, but the removal of death's dread is a very liberating experience. The point, of course, is not just to postpose death as long as possible, but to enjoy life while you have the time.
I'm not a fan of using drugs to make my life more...what?...better, but I don't blame you if you do.

My rule of thumb is, unless you wake up smiling, you need to make some adjustments.

I read that he stayed awake for two days to look just right for this scene...

If higher taxes on cigarettes are meant to decrease smoking, what are higher taxes on business supposed to do?

One of my very own...

Very interesting question...

Overcrowding in California prisons...

How could anyone expect these people to remain sane?

I call this a lack of supervision...

It's was such a beautiful day today, that I moved my computer next to the window.

The game that artists and scientists play with equal intensity.

Then there are delusional freaks like Leroy...

I always considered a blank white canvas a rather frightening thing...

Your personal unemployment rate is either 0% or 100%.

Well, not with an attitude like that....

I was once doing my wife doggy style when she farted. I just smiled, slapped her on the ass and said, "Hush little one, you're next."


Imagine just happening upon this scene...

Boy, did America take this message to heart...

Marvelous...

Commercial real estate brokers in New York use Groupon to see who's about to go out of business.

We all need to be reminded of this from time to time...

1000 words...

I had already posted that image to today's blog when my wife sent me an article about a man in Europe who took over 100 pictures a day with his homemade cardboard camera. This is one of them.

As a middle-schooler I complained to my mother that the only talent I had was breathing. She replied, "You have asthema, moron."