ADVENTURER’S LOG: EARTH CYCLE 22 - SUNDAY #1707

CHILLICOTHE, MISSOURI

It's just south of...

There is a terrible joke in there about the Grambling track team, but I'm too sophisticated to even think about using it.


Gave up trying to properly depict how big the corn fields are...

So let's show you how tall it is. There I am next to the small seven foot corn, when in the next field there is nine foot corn...

My wife took these photos of me because she loves me...

I have curtailed tramping through the weeds to tag something. Yesterday I think I got bit by a spider. At least I think it was a spider...it itches like a motherfucker.

ICYI...

I also took a pee at the previous corn field, and decided to kill to birds with one stone, so to speak. I peed here also...

I spent a lot of time on Highway 25, which is my lucky number. Has been since the 8th grade. When I was in middle school we sat in alphabetical order and was given a number. My number, for two years running, was 25, so it stuck.

So, what the hell, I tagged it...

Horses coming over to investigate...

In that middle school, the guy who sat in front of me, Number 24, was an excellent speller...a real whiz. He also allowed me to copy his tests. I seriously think that is the reason I spelled like shit for the rest of my life.

Saw one of these. My wife read in the literature in the motel room that you mustn't photograph them because "It's against their religious beliefs." I say, Fuck the Amish. If you don't want to be photographed, then stay the fuck at home and quit telling other people what they can and can't do.

This is a sure way to know you are either in or very near Bum Fuck Egypt....

There was about a mile long parade of old tractors.

Every single one of them waved to us, and, of course, we waved back.

Hard to photograph wind turbines, what with them being backlit and all...

But this is the one I found sitting out all by itself next to some commercial establishment...

Then I tried to do the math. If a wind turbine costs...say...a million dollars and your monthly electric bill is $2000 dollars, then how long would it take to be in the gravy? (we'll ignore the maintenance costs)
I gave up on the math when I got close enough to realize it would take a long, long time.

You know you are in a scary place when your motel has not one, but two Ghost Buster-type mouse traps right next to the door...

Do you remember a couple of years ago when I told you that my wife had started wearing an eye patch on her eye, a fake hook on her hand and a stuffed parrot on her shoulder; and talked like a pirate? Well, today she's had a relapse. Except this time she repeats everything I say like a pirate, and she curls her lip and scrunches up one eye like it's been pricked in a snee attack. Like I will say, "What a beautiful vista," and she will say "What a beautiful vista, aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrr!", looking as menacing as possible.
When stopped at red lights, the drivers next to us give me the most sympathetic of looks...as if they can feel my pain. Sometimes my wife sees them staring, mouths agape and utters some stale pirate prattle like, "Shiver me timbers, matey!" If the other driver has a passenger with them, they always elbow them and gesture for them to get a load of her for themselves. A couple of times during long lights, they glance at me and I just shrug, turn up my palms and shake my head slowly. One distinguished fellow tried to throw his business card in the window. I fluttered to the asphalt, but I took him for a psychiatrist or some other mental health professional.

I have yet to see a Toyota pick-up out west. Most of them are Dodges.

Today was almost all gray. Let me explain.
You all know what an interstate looks like on a map. Then you have bold red roads that are usually well-maintained federal highways with wide lanes and broad asphalt shoulders, and a mowed right of way large enough to land a plane on.
Then there's the bold black roads, which are not quite as good as the bold red ones, but they still have a twenty or so feet of right of way.
Then there are the thin gray roads. These roads have about six feet of right of way, meaning there's a fence very close to the road. These are the roads we like the most.

THE ANTI-SERMON

Actually you "can" fill it in with your magical mumbo-jumbo....you will just appear a fool.

But, of course, he works in mysterious way.

AND NOW THE ABSOLUTELY TRUE ADDITAMENT....
During dinner tonight in some restaurant, I told my wife to look around. I said, "If you look real close you can spot the farmer." She did and nodded and continued to do so as I opined.
"And one of these patrons is the man who sells the farmer seed. Then there is the woman who styles the seed salesman's wife's hair. Then there is the guy who fixes the hair stylist's car. And a woman who teaches the mechanic's children."
She said, "So it's like one big circle, all depending on other people."
I leaned closer. "Yes. And if one of those people died, another would just move in and take their place. And it just wouldn't matter."
She frowned. "That's so depressing."
I continued. "And now for the clincher. If I stood up right now and got everyone's attention...every patron, server, cook...everybody and ask if anyone had ever heard of Henri Matisse, I bet not one hand would go up."
My wife paid the bill and we stood to leave. A well-dressed young man held the door for us. My wife whispered, "He would know."
So, of course, I asked, "Excuse me. Have you ever heard of Henri Matisse?"
And, of course, he had not.

I know there are huge lumps of arrogance in the tale. I know that some of those people know who cured...say...bovine asthma or some such shit. But it was a true story and I like true stories.

Also, "snee" is a common crossword puzzle word but it doesn't show up in many dictionaries....what's up with that? It means a special kind of knife.