FRIDAY #1718

A sculptor friend of mine used to send unwrapped things through the mail all the time....like a pair of shoes joined at the laces and a brick.

 There was another artist that once drew a line on a map across America and mailed a box to each town on that line. He addressed it to himself and since he didn't live there, it was returned to him. Each time he would rewrap it over the last wrapping and send it to the next town. After the last town, the box was rather fat, as one would expect.

His art was that box sitting on a pedestal in a gallery as documentation that he had, in fact, drawn a line across the US. Unfortunately, the first gallery in which it was scheduled to be shown, unwrapped the package down to the bare box, thus negating the whole ordeal.

How to know without doubt which child your mother loves the best...

That sort of reminds me of the awful story a I wrote about the woman who murdered her step-children.

The other evening I prepared the automatic coffee maker for the next morning, but I forgot to properly seat the pot and the next morning coffee ran all over the counter. Upon discovering it, my wife screamed, "Damnit, Ralph! That's the third time in 18 years!" And somehow, I felt guilty.
It's times like that, that I wonder what my next wife is doing right then.

Said to be quicksand...I have my doubts...

One day it’s about “Who’s hip” and the next thing you know it’s about “Who’s hip is getting replaced.”

The first two episodes of this show had Andy as the boob. When Andy Griffith realized he was not the funniest man on the set, he talked them in to letting Barnie have all the funny lines....true...

Personal space...

This is the way my wife looked when she discovered that she had put the wrong town in the GPS....for hours....

 I felt so sorry for her, and I mean that. She wasn't so much fucked because of her embarrassment, but because she knew I was tired and she had caused me to drive much longer than I should have. I love that woman.

Our sons, fathers, uncles and brothers....

And "just" friends.

Got banned from Barnes & Noble for moving the “Wet Floor” sign to the “50 Shades of Gray” aisle. 

Muscle man can't open a bottle....hope you haven't seen this yet....

Now you’re just embarrassing yourself.

Bad idea for a little girl's gift...

Great idea for a little girl's gift...

At one time my daughter wanted to be an astronaut....true.

There is a thin line between cougar and old slut.

I bet she can make a great sandwich.

One way to smuggle booze during Prohibition...

A repost cause it made me smile again...

Cop protecting klansman...

Have you ever called in too fat to work?

Any time my wife talks me into attending a function, she sticks very close to me, knowing I'm a flight risk.

Only in Russia...wait for it....

So...ah...you still think black paranoia is misguided?

I do not judge other people...unless they are particularly stupid.

This still blows me away...

 I might add that cities and highways across America look like this also, but I couldn't find a quality photo.

I can’t remember the last time I cried without it involving testicular trauma.

 Watched a Chinese movie, "Back in 1942", documenting the 3 million people who starved during a drought famine during the war. Because of their cultural upbringing they never even considered eating the dead...at least not the ones in the movie.

 When I was working myself through college as a bartender, one of my customers had worked on the same loom in a mill since he was 18 years old. Forty years later, two years shy of retirement, they laid him off and he lost everything.

His feet had caused a depression in the concrete floor, similar to the monk's above.

If Guidance Counselors specialize in making intelligent career decisions, how come they became guidance counselors?


You keep using that word.....

Go down a waterslide while it isn't wet and you will understand why foreplay is so important.

I have grown to loathe ladders...

Live your life like a character George R.R. Martin would kill off unexpectedly.

(why syntax is important)
My sexy neighbor has left her curtains open slightly, so I'm watching her masturbate with my telescope. I can't see very well, though. If only I had my telescope.

Adds a whole new meaning to....

 ....drop dead gorgeous.

THERE WILL BE NO POST TOMORROW.