THURSDAY'S HOLOGRAPH #1717

Holograph: wholly written by the person in whose name it appears.

Got an email from one of the few men on Earth I love"

"I finally got around to watching Django.  I have to say that I was very much reminded of you by the character Dr. Schulz." 

I'll take that as a compliment.

Cemeteries....

So you die and leave instructions to have your body pumped full of preservatives so it will rot more slowly. You have your family spend thousands of rare dollars on a marble marker so people will know where you are rotting. And your rotting body is protected by all kinds of laws so that it is very difficult to move. And chances are your rotting body is placed next to thousands of other bodies rotting just like you are.
What's up with that? Why would anybody think this was a good idea?

Why don’t we just admit that the US already has an official language….third grade English.

More than a quarter of primate species form male-female pair bonds that scientists describe as "monogamous". That's much higher than the overall mammal average of 9 percent.

“Start as close to the end as possible.” - Kurt Vonnegut

When you really, really, really don't like someone...

My best quality is my extreme humility.

Dear Alcohol,
We had a deal where you would make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer.
I saw the video. We need to talk.

I wonder how many calories swearing like a motherfucker burn.

When it's hot, please dress for the body you have, not the body you want to have. Thanks.

When my wife asks me if I think one of her friends is pretty, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

If a vampire bites a zombie, will it turn into a zombie or will the zombie turn into a vampire?

Wife and I were eating supper when a commercial for Shark Week came on. I said, "That reminds me. We need to discuss your oral sex technique."

Nature is a lot more enjoyable when you are at the top of the food chain.

I promise that I will never call an eight year old girl a cunt again…no matter how cunty she acts.

“I just caught a terrorist,” said no TSA agent ever.

Probably fake...or, at least, I hope so...

Eat more organic food, or as your grandparents called it, “Food.”

I still stalk you. I’m just not in stalk with you.

There is a huge difference between getting off the bus and getting off on the bus.

I see little 8 year olds with iPhones. You know what I had when I was 8? Nothing....a bike with one pedal, a cape made from an old blood-stained towel and my brother and I shared our one shoe that we took turns wearing.
Fuck those little bastards.

Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and delicious with ketchup.

This is what hyper-masculinity looks like these days...

You remember how much fun I have trying to imagine the instructions the photographer gives the model....

This man firmly believes that this rock formation is the footprint of god and wonders why millions of tourists aren't trekking there...

In a bar fight, I want this guy on my side...

When Hugh Hefner finally dies, no one will say he's gone to a better place.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.