FRIDAY #1959

I'm not afraid to die, I'm afraid my friends will give me the funeral I told them I wanted when I was drunk.

Take a few minutes to just sit and relax as you look at this...

One of the codes I live my life by is that my appearance should be in no way noteworthy, but not so un-noteworthy as to be in itself, noteworthy.

Ford had a similar design in 1956 called the hard-top convertible...

When I was in high school, I was at my girlfriend's house, and her mother was home. So, her and I were "fooling around" and she walks into the room! I just freeze and stare at her, and she looks at us and screams, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO MY MOTHER?!"

I want to write a post that is so offensive that it reduces my followers to zero.

Before I watch any new network comedy, I say to myself "This better be filled with diversity."

Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.

What I imagine a girl would do if she had a dick for a day…

If it's any consolation, your Doppelgänger is probably having a really awful day too.

Gonna start a matchmaking site for very old people called Carbon Dating

SYDSE...

Friends With Benefits always sounded like 
an insurance option to me.

OOMVO...

I have never had sex with a farm animal. And since I'm from Alabama, that's quite extraordinary.

The sanest of women's shoes...

The easiest way to escape a conversation is to interrupt the other person and say "this conversation is going great" every few seconds

 One of my newer OOMVO...

Speaking of...

My wife got a new router and the wifi has been off for 5 whole minutes......guess I'll go churn butter or something.

For my friend, Major Mel...

The magic of photography...

I think there ought to be an island for people who tell other people to smile.

You think they will play kill every man, woman and child if they don't follow the rules? 

Arches. You gotta love arches...

It still amazes me that many people live in houses older than my whole country...

The guy in charge of naming the bagpipes definitely just took one look at it and gave up.

I wonder if the original artist put the dick on the wall as a kind of joke. 

Children now have no clue whatsoever about any music gadget old enough to contain moving parts.

Yeah, that water is cold...

I come across thousands of "inspirational" quotes on sites where they make no sense. I hate them.

That being said, the person who mounts the quotes on this lined paper always posts something worth reading. I commend him/her...

Let me tell you about Big Gurdy....

I hadn't been at my missile shop in German a week when the old hands decided one Saturday night to take me out for "a few beers". Of course I got really, really fucked up. Well, there was this huge (350+ pounds) waitress who was putting the moves on me. The old hands kept telling me I should go upstairs to her apartment with her after closing and ended with a phrase I shall never forget: Strike while the iron is hot.
Awakening the next morning I did not even have to open my eyes to realize I was in a real fix. I was wedged on a small bed between Big Gurdy and the wall, with her snoring loudly. I very, very carefully (fearing I would awaken her) rolled to my stomach, then to my hands and knees. I straightened my legs, ass in the air, and in a move out of Mission Impossible, I ended up with one hand and one foot on her right side, and one hand and foot on her left side...my face a mere inch from hers. Then in one smooth ninja lunge I sprang off the bed onto the floor, hurriedly gathered my clothes and half dressed as I descended the stairs that led to the sidewalk. And garbed in T-shirt and pants only and holding the remainder of my clothes, I emerged onto the sidewalk...a sidewalk clogged with people on their way to church. Then the disgusted parents guided their children across the street to avoid me and I made my way back to base where the incident was never spoken of again.

 I've always said that if I bought some land and put in a road, I would name it Bridge Ices Before Rd.

I was the kid your mom made you invite to your birthday party who then started crying and had to be picked up early.

SYDSE....

THERE WILL BE A FULL REAL POST TOMORROW - SATURDAY.