MONDAY #1955

Security experts warn there is little Internet users can do to protect themselves from the recently uncovered "Heartbleed" bug that exposes data to hackers, at least not until vulnerable websites upgrade their software. Researchers have observed sophisticated hacking groups conducting automated scans of the Internet in search of Web servers running a widely used Web encryption program known as OpenSSL that makes them vulnerable to the theft of data, including passwords, confidential communications and credit card numbers.

It's World Homeopathy Awareness Week, so the Good Thinking Society (a nonprofit devoted to promoting rational thought has put up a new site at homeopathyawarenessweek.org in which you will be made aware of a bunch of facts that homeopathy advocates are often slow to mention -- like adults and children who've died because they were treated with homeopathic sugar-pills, the tragic foolishness of Homeopaths Without Borders, who are memorably described as "well-meaning folk [who fly] into places of crisis in the developing world carrying suitcases full of homeopathic tablets that contain nothing but sugar. It is not so much Médecins Sans Frontières as Médecins Sans Medicine."

 A 2008 study found that women showed signs of arousal watching pretty much anything… except pictures of naked men.

From a real textbook...

I have always been terrified that I would choke on my own tongue.

The dog knows...

Advice to young men: If your wife spends 15 minutes running the vacuum over a small piece of paper at different angles that would take 2 seconds just to lean over and pick it up, DO NOT POINT THIS OUT TO HER!

Using baby wipes for wiping has changed my life.
No need for underwear.

Why don’t we drink egg nog at Easter.

Shit you don't see everyday...

"No, I'm RESPECTING you people!"

When a guy insists on hugging me I like to whisper, “There is only two layers of clothes separating us.”

You don't have to have (be?) OCD for this to drive you up the fucking wall...

We allow people without a sense of humor to have much too much power...

OOMVO...

After a morning spat, my wife just walked in the door after working eight hours and said, “And another thing…!”

 In November 2013, a baby volcanic island rose from the sea out of a volcanic blast in the Bonin Islands about 620 miles  south of Tokyo. Named Niijima, the newcomer boiled the sea and spewed steam, ash and lava fragments into the air.

Some thought the small black cone — which sprouted just offshore of a larger volcanic island called Nishino-shima — might slip back into the sea, vanishing under pounding waves. But Niijima kept growing.

Advice to young men – Compliment a woman on her shoes. I does wonders.

The cat knows...

My wife asked me if she was wearing too much make-up. I said, “That depends on whether you are planning to kill Batman or not.”

(that is a lie)

Well, since you put it that way.

This son of a bitch is painting this more or less free-hand...

I always thought they used stencils.
That motherfucker deserves a raise.

My wife likes to play this game called ‘yell from four rooms away and get upset when I can’t hear her’. Her favorite part is the bonus round when she gets pissed if I yell across the house back at her. Double points if she comes over and complains she can’t hear me from four rooms away. Triple points if she calls me the name of an old boyfriend.

 Does it not bother anybody else that their god is a homicidal maniac? Not just the flood, but divine instructions to the Jewish warriors to kill every man, woman and child of a city.

Remember this? Proof that Americans will buy anything...

...if it's advertised on TV.

Queen Cersei fucks her brother and no one bats an eye. Princess Leia gives her brother a panda peck on the lips and everyone loses their minds.

Meanwhile in Boston...

 I really loved Boston. There was art everywhere and (I mean this) everybody just looked intelligent, but this sculpture looks just a tad over-dramatic to me.

I just ate my first piece of broccoli and I sure as shit better live until I’m 100.

Yes, this is one of mine...

Piss off you mere mortals.

On particularly rough days when I’m sure I can’t possibly endure, I like to remind myself that my track record for getting through bad days so for is 100% and that’s pretty fucking good.

Johnnie? A tranny? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

My father was an executive for an international corporation. He wore a suit every day. I only saw him wear white shirts. He drove a sedan...

 The day he retired he stopped shaving or getting a haircut, then bought a Datsun 240 sports car.

That image reminded me of the man that was hiding behind that suit all those years.

Spousal abuse upsets me very much. I will never understand why a woman stays for a day, much less for years...

 And do I think a woman has the right to shoot an abusive husband? Yes. Yes I do.

Struck up a conversation with a middle-aged woman sitting on the bar stool next to mine.

I got this image from Google after typing in "Chin mole", but the mole on my barmate's chin was as big as a dime, stuck out a quarter of an inch and was HAIRY!

 Just try to keep your eyes off a thing like that. Anyway, I wondered why she didn't have it removed....it must have weighed a pound...pound and a half.

 That actually works!

The most popular stop at the South Carolina State Fair...

The drunker you are, the less you care. Meaning, of course, the more fun you have. I have managed, through great effort, to carry that same attitude over to brief periods of sobriety. 

Just the Beatles and a stripper...

Now think of the words to "Day Tripper".

I don’t think there is a word for the opposite of loneliness.

Well, I guess that makes it unanimous...

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs.
But I trust my dog when it doesn't like a person.

I think they ought to add the tax to price tags so you know what it's going to cost before you get to checkout.

You know nothing about a woman until she's drunk AND mad at you.

"Did you hear something?"
"Ssssh. Don't take it out of your mouth, baby, I got this under control."

Why American schools desperately need sex education...

My daughter once asked me what aerosol cheese tasted like and I said, "Cancer."

Just another reason I will never fly again...

I know it shouldn't, but the image I get in my head of Martha giving George Washington a blow job makes me uncomfortable.

Man made his grandson this delightful crib...

What is it about people who hate anything different than themselves?

I hate to break it to you young men, but most women have better sex by themselves.

Wait for it.................wait...

I wonder if he even knows where the unemployment office is located.