A STORY JUST FOR YOU

THE SPHEROID

by Ralph Henry

I do not have cancer.

I never had cancer.

What I have is a benign cyst that many men my age get and there is nothing to worry about.

And even if it had been cancer, it is one of the most survivable kinds.

That being said, I have a story for you.

Last week I was lying in bed next to my sleeping wife while playing with my gonads…something I do quite frequently. But on that particular night I felt something in my nut sack. A third spheroid about the size of a peanut….in my nut sack….a THIRD SPHEROID….in…..my…..nut…..sack.

Then it got weird.

I went to sleep and dreamt that I found a spheroid and upon…exploration I found a long forgotten set of anal beads in my rectum. And as I began to pull them out, the last one gave some resistance and with some effort it popped free and I felt that it had somehow become lodged in my scrotum and the problem was solved.

I woke up laughing, thinking that my original discovery had been part of the dream; only to discover that it was not, in fact, just part of a dream.

The dreaming occurred numerous times and each time I awoke thinking my peanut had been but a figment. But every time I was proved painfully disappointed.

So, I went to the doctor who sent me for an ultra-sound. There I found out two things: A) An ultra-sound and a sonogram are exactly the same thing, and B) The ultra-sound lady is a drop-dead gorgeous 20-something year old treat for the eyes.

So there I was lying on the table with my pants off, draped in a towel as instructed and she comes in, lifts the towel and with the words “I’ve warmed it for you” squirts about a beer can full of very warm, very slick gel all over my…privates and then she said, “This won’t hurt a bit.” I inhaled audibly as she maneuvered the device around and around places I had forgotten I had.

The test came back negative and I’m a happy man again.

But there is a side of me that wants to go to another doctor and let him feel the lump and let him send me back for another ultra-sound. It was something I am not soon to forget and would very much like to experience again.

Other tidbits: On the form I had to fill out at the doctor’s office, it asked if there were any religious or cultural considerations of which the doctor should be made aware. I wrote: Under no circumstances is anyone to pray for me.