About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

TUESDAY #2663

One Of My Very Own…


ralph.henry.at.folio.olio@gmail.com






Loyal viewer, Gary, sent me this…

The guy taking the ‘selfie’ plays for Barcelona.
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NASCAR is having an online poll to see if the fans want to see the drivers going backwards during some of the races.
Admission: When I first read that, I assumed they meant for the cars to actually be driven in reverse, but in fact it means for the cars to drive clockwise instead of counterclockwise.
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This is the exact wording of a news blurb from Florida, of course:

Victoria Reid, 60, was arrested on battery and domestic violence charges for shooting her husband in his left knee in such a manner that the bullet traveled up his thigh and lodged in his testicles.
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I thought I had found a solution to my font size problem on this blog host site. I tried it yesterday and it was a dismal failure. Instead of obeying my commands to make everything large font, it made EVERYTHING THE SMALLEST FONT.

I’m about at my wit’s end with no solution within sight. Sorry, folks, I just don’t know what to do.
Further, now my blogs refuse to be uploaded if they are deemed too big. That is why this blog is divided into two parts. Make sure you click on the older posts button, cause it contains some shit I know you will find entertaining.
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I walked to the end of block and  back listening to this for inspiration.




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When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it's polite to act surprised.

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If you don’t think death is funny, then you don’t understand living.

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Arizona firefighters fighting fire across the border.

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I really don’t know why, but I found these very funny.

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It’s not what you did. It’s who you did it to.

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This reminds me of something I learned on a documentary.
The guy who invented the hot air balloon in France wanted to show people how safe it was, so he invited the mayor to take a ride. The poor man was terrified even after being taken up in the bell tower and showing him he never even got that high. On his next trip the balloonist let the mayor hold then end of a cord, the other other end of which was being held by an assistant. With this connection to the ground, the mayor was not afraid.

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For quickly closing a wound in the battlefield.
Even assuming the staples are put in with a staple gun, that seems like an elaborate procedure that could be replaced with duct tape.

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I live in the South and have always been fascinated by these.

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I have no idea what you want, so here's an orangutan doing magic tricks.

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Welcome to real life, where nobody cares if you’re offended and your feelings don’t matter.

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Seems like a nice devise to teach kids to stand on their own.
By the by, my grandson is giving every indication that he is going to skip crawling and go straight to walking. I talked to a woman whose daughter did the same thing.

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Say what you will about the degradation, they do make pretty good money.

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Everyone has a hidden talent they don’t know about until the tequila is poured.

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My bartender pulled up to an ATM at her bank and before she could get her card out and in the slot, a woman walked up and inserted her card. My bartender, yanked out the woman’s card and with a curt “Ain’t happening!” threw it on the ground.

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I have a pretty good friend from Scotland, who I like to fuck with, a lot. The other day we were sitting in a BBQ restaurant and I asked sincerely, “Do they have meat in Scotland?”
Him: Of course, we have meat in Scotland.
Me: (staring with a look of confusion)…
Him: We have pork…
Me: …
Him: Beef…
Me: …
Him: All kinds of poultry…

Finally I smiled and he said, “Fuck you, Ralph, you are an evil, evil man.”

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This is just cruel…

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A shoutout to all the Jewish kids who never told us that Santa wasn’t real.

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I dropped by the American Legion where I used to hang out when I knew the fucked up bartender wouldn’t be there and they now have a strict no cursing policy. All because of one complaint from one person. Jeez.

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My daughter saw one of these once.

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And that one adaptation is how birds can fall asleep on a branch and not fall off. The more relaxed it gets, the tighter the grip.

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From viewer Tom:
I love the feature at the end of each of your blogs that takes the reader to old archived issues. It provides a way to keep reading when today's page is not quite enough to satisfy.
Today I got directed to one that had a line in it reading, "You know you have a good wife when a big bosomed woman walks by and she nudges you so you don't miss it."
I have such a wife.
A friend of hers once worked at a doctor's office where the doctor (the only male) had trained all the women in the office to discretely announce the entry of a big bosomed woman, through the office PA system, by broadcasting, "paging Emerson Bigguns".  I loved it. In fact, my wife and I picked up the habit, but we only need to say, "Emerson" to make the point.  One time when we were at different spots in a store in the local mall, when she sent me a text reading , "Emerson, 6:00". I laughed. And looked.

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Whatever blows your skirt up…

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My wife eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.

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Millennials are afraid of gluten, that is why so few of them are breadwinners.

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Wow!
Ever wonder why they would do such a thing?


The set up monitoring stations to keep track of Russian subs…among other things.


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My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.

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Andy Goldsworthy

And my favorite…

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IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: I COULDN'T LOAD ALL OF TODAY'S POST SO I MOVED SOME GIFS TO AN ADDENDUM THAT WILL BE POSTED AT 5:30AM and should be the first on your older post button.

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