About Me

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I'm an artist, an educator, Pastafarian and I write. I also will gamble on just about anything. And I like unusual juxtaposition, but I love my wife...and beer. This blog is observations from a funny old man who gets pissed off every once in a while. Oh, and I mispell alot.

Friday, January 6, 2017

FRIDAY #2938

One Of My Very Own...


EMAIL: ralph.henry.at.folio.olio@gmail.com
Here is Evgenia Laguna performing the song she sang during my favorite scene of Fifth Element: the Diva Dance: 


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Just made a bet as to which team (Bilboa/Barcelona) had the most vowels in their starting line-up. Not only did I lose that bet 38/63, but I lost the match with Barce-fucking-lona even though Bilboa had two red carded men. Messi and company simply didn't show up. And that makes me sad.



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Would you rather eat poop flavored ice cream or ice cream flavored poop?


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FUN CAPTIONS

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*strips naked*
"Magic mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?"
Cops: He knows we can see him from this side, right?

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MORE MANIPULATIONS OF LANGUAGE

(I would have said, Never have sex with...)
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I think that is very funny.

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“Sweetheart, I don’t blame the Art teacher for scolding you. This piece is devastatingly lackluster.”

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INFORMATIVE CARTOGRAPHY


[verification needed]
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Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it'd be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

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BEARD ADVICE FROM AN EXPERT
There is a point at which your face stops and your neck begins.

That line is the bottom of the beard. To shave otherwise is just silly.

The benefit of such curtailed grooms is that it covers up that double chine that makes you look old.

You don't have to grow it really long, but at least let it cover all of your under-chin area. Your wife will thank you.


Here's the way I look at growing a beard: It saves a bunch of time EVERY...FUCKING...DAY of your life; It saves money on all those preening supplies; It is, in fact, your natural look; and it makes you look wise...or so I'm told by countless admirers.

Remember, beards are natural; clean shaven is some cultural mandate we never got a chance to vote on, invented by the people who sell the goddamned razors and cream. Do the math on sanity.

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Confirmation bias is a hell of a drug.

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DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE
This man is drinking a cold (now frozen) beer in a very cold stadium.

I have no problems with that.
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Japanese Gamers vs. American Gamers

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In December 1914 a remarkable thing happened on the Western Front: British and German soldiers stopped fighting and left their trenches to greet one another, exchange souvenirs, bury their dead, and sing carols in the spirit of the holiday season.

I heard old conversations with some of the filmed veterans and each said they actually felt sorry for the enemy, knowing that they were just as miserable and frightened as he was.
They stated that they hated their officer corps much more than they hated the poor bastards in the trench across the way.
They learned that lesson well after WWI and during the next World War, a lot of time and energy was spent convincing your farm boys from Kansas to hate the awful Germans...it's called propaganda, and it is a very effective tool.

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EATING UTENSILS OF NOTE




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Celebrating my 55th year being sobriety free.

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ANIMALS

You can see the back of the owl's eyeball in its ear.

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Squirrels getting into your bird feeder?

That's just a Slinky.
My father had a ten year running battle with squirrels eating his bird seed from the feeders. He tried EVERYTHING sold at stores, but nothing forestalled the rodents.
As for the trick above, his squirrels would jump from the nearest tree over and over again until it learned the exact height required to land on the feeder. At that point my father gave up and started to feed the squirrels.

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SOME THINGS I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL TODAY

That is amazing.
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I was unaware that some of these countries even existed.

[verification needed]
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The world’s oldest known living tree sprouted sometime during the last Ice Age, roughly 9,550 years ago. This 16-foot spruce in the Dalarna province of Sweden may look more like a Charlie Brown Christmas Tree, but don’t be fooled: this little guy’s root system got started back when the British Isles were still connected to Europe by an ice bridge.

Or so I'm told.
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The Zoroastrians have an unusual way of disposing off their dead. They neither bury them nor cremate them. Instead, corpses are left atop high towers known as dakhma, or Towers of Silence, where they are exposed to the elements and consumed by scavenger birds such as vultures, kites and crows. This macabre funeral practice arises from the belief that the dead are impure, not just physically because of decomposition, but because they are contaminated by the ‘corpse demon’ and evil spirits who rush into the body as soon as the soul leaves. Burial and cremation are thus seen as polluting nature and fire, both of which the Zoroastrians thrive to protect. This reverence towards all things natural has led some scholars to proclaim Zoroastrianism as the "world's first ecological religion."
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Remember the woman who burned herself with hot coffee and was supposed to have received millions from McDonalds.

Stella Liebeck sued McDonald's after sustaining permanently disfiguring third-degree burns to her genitals and thighs because McDonald's had served its coffee at unsafe temperatures, something that had been going on for years and had severely burned 700 other people -- and she didn't get millions, she just got enough to cover her medical expenses.
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19 year-old Shigeki Tanaka was a survivor of the bombing of Hiroshima and went on to win the 1951 Boston Marathon. The crowd was silent as he crossed the finished line.

Memories run long also.

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Ever notice that only guys shake the drops off the gas pump handle after filling up?

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THINKING OF HAVING CHILDREN?

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Inception (2010) - Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.

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WONDERFUL "PHOTOGRAPHS"

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"Hold my bread."

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Here's why there were quotes around photographs...


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An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I'll tell you what you'll be charged with.

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"HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT WORK, HONEY?"

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"I busted my ass."
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Guy sat down next to me at the bar and started talking shit about aluminum being the best metal. I tried to remain calm and explain to him that iron was actually the best metal but he wouldn't take a hint and started throwing around words like "rust" and I lost it...punched him right in his aluminum-loving fucking face. I hate aluminum so goddamn much.

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A REPOST OF THE DAY HIS BLOWJOBS STOPPED



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I'm beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my wife's eyes in 1992 may not go away.

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