A WHOLE POST ABOUT ME

My wife suggested that my post gave the impression that I thought that I was better than everybody else.  I make fun of everybody I can dig up some dirt on, therefore, it's my time to lampoon myself.

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MY SIDE OF THE FAMILY

I owe my brother-in-law a great debt.  He saved my young daughter's life when she drowned.  But I can still reveal that he used to brag about shooting Big Foot.  (TRUE)

He's just about as batshit crazy as anyone I have ever met....but he's good at saving lives.

 So my wife's family is not the only one with...characters in it.  Further, I have a sister who goes to a church where they talk in tongues.  Another sister just up and became a Mormon for no apparent reason.
I have an in-law on my side of the family that is the only truly evil person I've ever had the displeasure of spending time with. I hate Notre Dame University football only because it is her favorite team. I have vowed never to talk to her again for the pain she has caused those I love.

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MOST EMBARRASSING EVENT

Many years ago when I was a young man, I was painting an interior mural one night while the office was closed and I...well, I discovered an itch that needed to be scratched. (that's code for masturbate)  So I did what I had to do.

 Unfortunately, the office had hidden cameras and I was busted.  Very, very embarrassing that. I also was not asked to return.
(See?  We are all, for time to time, stupid as a bag of fucking inbred hammers)

Another embarrassing moment happened at the beach.  The house we rented had one of those showers downstairs.  The "walls" were but partitions that left the bottom two feet open. Well, one thing led to another and my wife and I....well, this picture reminded me of the event.

 When we finally stepped out there were a half dozen people standing at the rail of the house next door looking down at us.  Watching our feet and listening to the sounds, they had no trouble determining what we were up to.  I expected a standing ovation...but no.

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LAUGHING AND MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH

I have a delightful son-in-law.  At the dinner before his wedding he was sitting with dozens of friends and family all looking at him.  He was wearing french cuffs, no jacket.

 So I asked him if they sold men's clothes at the store where he bought that shirt.  He found it very amusing. He whispered that my ex-wife had bought it for him.  Then he showed me the two unmatched cufflinks...sort of a silent protest.
I regret that he and I don't get together often.  I admire him very much.
When he was but eight, his mother took him and his sisters out of Iran after her husband and son were killed. They walked out...literally.
It's an extraordinary story.  One of the sisters went back a couple of years ago and was arrested and is now languishing in prison.  Yeah, every time I get pissed over someone cutting me off in traffic I think of how good we have it.

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BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

I once had an opportunity to buy a house that looked very much like the picture below. It was built in 1847 and was extraordinary.  $47,000...a steal.

An estate was left to five children and divided this way. I would have signed the paperwork immediately, but I wanted to buy the quarter mile thin strip of land that was the driveway. They wouldn't sell.  My concern was that the owners of the front lots would put in a trailer part or some such shit and I would have to drive through it to get to my home. Now 20 years later it still looks as beautiful as the day I refused to buy. DAMN!

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BIGGEST TRANSFORMATION

I was born in the South and for the first years of my life was as racist as everybody else I knew.  Then my family moved to Oklahoma.  Back in Alabama boys used to brag if they had any "Indian blood", but out west those son of a bitches hated Indians, but astonishingly they didn't give a shit about black people one way or the other.  I knew that somebody was just flat out wrong, then, thankfully, figured out that both biases were completely irrational. This epiphany led me to scrutinize everything in my life.  But more of that later.
But I can still make jokes like this one.

Most of my close friends know that the above is an example of me making fun of the person with that attitude.  That may not be so easy to realize sometimes.

I am of the opinion that black people have been fucked just about every way you can be fucked. I even understand their hatred of us white people.  I used to plea my innocence that I didn't do it, therefore should be immune from their wrath.  But I very much profited from the system that did those things to them.

I just wish we could all just put all that shit behind us, but the longer I live the more pessimistic I become.  It seems that all people need somebody to hate.  And I smile when I declare that I hate people like that....that's irony, people.

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THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER SEEN

My present wife talked me into going to a wedding of an American friend to her Lebanese beau.  The ceremony was okay, but then the traditional shit kicked in.  It seems that in Lebanon the bride is to be hoisted onto the shoulders of the best men, then paraded around the room while the men danced.  Well, the bride was a pretty big girl and it took a while before they FINALLY got the bitch up on their shoulders.  Then when they began to dance, her ass began to slide back over their shoulders until the men were desperately holding her ankles in an attempt to keep them all from falling backwards.  She, terrified, had each of her hands draped over the men's heads with fingers finding a hold on their eye sockets.  Then when the dancing started, the ceiling was too low, and every time they did one of those hop moves, her head crashed through a ceiling tiles. So here I am minding my own business and I see this spectacle, the teetering woman, her hands to the men's faces, the trail of ceiling tile in their wake....and, well, it was the funniest thing I had ever seen.

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PROUDEST

I'm very proud of my two daughters.  One of them served her country in the military with two tours in a combat zone.  It's hard to beat that.
My other daughter has a PhD.  It's hard to beat that.

I like science. I like the whole idea of doubting EVERYTHING...even your own conclusions!  Scientists are obsessed with proving stuff.  I like proof.  For instance...

However, I fear that some scientists take their knowledge as their god.  I am much too humble about our (humanity's) abilities.  But more on that in another post.

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BEING A GRAYBEARD

I am now officially an old man.  But what most young people have no way of knowing...or at least believing...is that my mind thinks the exact same thoughts as you young people's.  More specifically, when we look in the mirror, who looks back is a real shock. I find it hilarious.  Ralph....old.....unbelieveable!!!

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MOST DUMBSTRUCK

My love of humor came from my mother.  She laughed easily. My father was the most unfunny person I have ever met....go figure.

At one time in his life my father decided to give away everything he owned. I think it was to avoid taxes, but I'm not sure.  Anyway, he gave my brother some shotguns and shit, then told me that the boat was mine.

I told him that I didn't like the boat, I didn't want the boat, I would not insure the boat, I would not pay the taxes on the boat and would never, ever step foot in the boat.  I further explained that I was not trying to get something better, and as a matter of fact would not accept anything else. I was told that the paperwork had already been done and the boat was mine whether I wanted it or not.  But my parents would pay for everything.
Well, about a month later my mother called me on the phone and explained that during the previous night's storm, "Your boat sunk and we want to know what you are going to do about it."
My mother said later that that was the first time in her life that she had left me completely speechless.  And she was right.  My wife at the time said that I just stood there with the phone in my hand and my mouth formed words, but no sound came out of my mouth.
Then after about a full minute, my mom began to laugh.  What a woman.

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QUIRKS

I don't like to eat.  But I detest eating alone. There is a whole website that features images (below) of people eating alone. I would rather go hungry.

I hate to fly.  These new seats that they are introducing just about clenches that I will never get on an airplane again.

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ADVICE

If you are a man, then get yourself a man cave. I have an office in the back of my garage where only I go.  It has Roadrunner internet, cable TV, CD player, AC, heat, a beer fridge and....are your ready....a urinal.  My wife says it's why we have such a happy marriage.  

Please don't take this advice lightly.  Every man needs a man cave.  It's not selfish.  Once your wife gets use to it, then she will realize that the rest of the fucking house is hers!

Also get a beer can crusher so it's hard for her to accurately determine how many beers you have drank...drunk.

I've had friends who took my advice and thanked me.  They didn't have such a plush set up as me, but just about anybody can buy one of those cheap tool sheds.  Mine is only 10X10, but that just means I don't have to sweep much. One guy told me he dug a hole with a posthole digger, filled it with sand, put in a PVC pipe and after adding a funnel in the top used it as a urinal.  Come on, guys...do it for your bride. She will thank you.  

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RELIGIOUS VIEWS

Quran? Nope. That would be 1 Timothy 2:12. Like I said before, the Muslims just follow their instructions better than Christians.

I don't hate religious people.  I just want them to think.  Take prayer....please.

I have asked...NICELY...if my religious friends pray and when they say they do, I ask them if it works.  Each and every one of them give an example of a request that god granted.  Then I ask why god NEVER answered the prayers of an amputee.  Basically, here is their rationale.

What that tells me is that they don't want to think about it.  It's easier that way.  Pity.

But I am an American and this is what I think that means.

One of my very own...

Oh yeah...I almost forgot.  My wife's cousin (a very funny woman) said that a friend of hers said that he is a Frisbeeterian...He believes that when he dies his soul goes up on the roof and nobody can get it down.  Funny that.

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