THINGS I THOUGHT FUNNY

Spate of masturbation gags to start with....but it's not me! I don't make this shit up, I steal it.

I got in trouble with my friend once...
He caught me jacking off....
While sniffing his sister's panties...
I think the real problem though was that she was still wearing them....
And it didn't help that her entire family was there to see it...
It made the rest of her funeral really awkward....

What do we want?
A cure for tourettes!
When do we want it?
Cunt.

Things that shouldn't be broken:
1. Hearts
2. Promises
3. Condoms

Join our anti-bullying campaign or else.

All prayers are answered if we are willing to admit that almost always the answer is no.

I'm tired of all the nonsense about beauty being only skin deep. That's quite deep enough. What do you want.....an adorable pancreas?

A wise man washes his hands after he pees.
A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

TRUE: Horses can't vomit.

One of my very own...

TRUE: According to NASA's FAQ page, "There are no plans at this time to send children into space."

TRUE: We have all heard that eskimos have a hundred words for snow. That is really not the case. It's just that they use a lot of compound words like: Deepsnow, newsnow, lightsnow, etc.

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING?!?!?!

Seriously....what the fuck are they doing?


I hate people who take drugs.....especially police and customs officers.

Have you ever noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born?

One of my very own...

All my problems with my wife started the day I let her start riding up in the front seat with me.
I mean it. She's crazy. And just when you think you've reached the bottom of her craziness, she finds a crazy underground garage.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid shoots you with a toy gun, you pretend to die.

Read the topic...

Sweden: Because any country with an 85% atheist majority is a miserable, lawless wasteland.

There were dozens of these....

 Wouldn't you love to know what they did with Bangkok?

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life......if I die March 13, 2012, 2 pm EST.

Hey sexy!
Shut the door, drop your pants, climb on top of me and satisfy your needs.
Love always,
Your Toilet

NO SKINNY DIPPING.........ALONE


To do me, my wife is going to need a bigger pencil..

Science fiction is the only genre I've discovered that assumes there is going to be a future.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

PARTY TIME!!!


Crossword clue: Enterprise enterprise
_ _ _ _
[ TREK ]

Actually, I think that older people have the advantage on most of the stuff, since we didn't read about it, we lived it.


Adding "if you know what I mean" to the end of any ordinary sentence can make it sound sexual.


"I had to change my flat tire last night....if you know what I mean."
"I really like apple pie....if you know what I mean."
"I've got a rash on my ass....if you know what I mean."
SEE?!?! 

I love this little guy...

This is the reason logical discussions with believers is futile....

I have a strange feeling someone had a trick pulled on him...

Look at this image carefully....

 The question is....who is hugging whom?

Ah, the memories.....

You need to read this label....

"Put the fucking lotion in the basket"...I so read that in the voice of that crazy guy with the pit in Silence of the Lambs.

Every time I hear the word "commune" this is what I think about...

Then, bitch, why are you telling everyone on the fucking planet?!?!

TOONS TO AMUSE....

ONE OF MY VERY OWN....

WOMEN JUST HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE...