THURSDAY'S PASQUINADE #1533

Imagine the pregnant pause...

A missed opportunity....
1:  I just watched an interview of a woman in a hospital bed who had been beat to shit by the tornado. Her two sons were killed in their encounter with their murderous mother earth. She told the interviewer, "The last thing I remember was asking god to protect us."
Now, if you were a real professional newsperson, wouldn't you have asked, "And what was his answer?"
2:  And this headline on the front page of the USA Today...
HOW COULD SO MANY HAVE SURVIVED.
Then the sub-headline read:
TIMING, FAITH, HEROICS, PREPARATION AND A BIT OF LUCK SPARED THOUSANDS.
Really? Faith? Do those last two observations tell you anything about what's left of rational thought in America?

Results of new research...

 Need proof? (TRUE HEADLINE)

Just another thing to worry about...

People are always amazed how one house is destroyed and the one next door is spared...

Once my wife was amazed....AMAZED....that it could be raining on one side of the street and not raining on the other. I took some time to explain to her that the rain HAD to stop somewhere and we were just fortunate to be right at the demarkation.

And I hope it isn't lost on any of  you people that the atheist lived and I would wager most of those lost were praying like motherfuckers.
Just sayin'.

There are people who stay awake at night designing shit like this just so you will give him some of your money...

 Speaking of footwear.....take a very close look at this and tell me just how far man has evolved...

Common sense is a flower that doesn't grow in everyone's garden.

 Can you spot the rectum?

 There wasn't one..............just fuckin' with you.

Why am I sharing this?

 Well, as a lad I once watched an Alabama football game from the roof of a house across the street....true. And I'm not talking a flat roof. This thing had a steep pitch and it scared the shit out of me. My uncle took me, which explains a lot.

This is a Freedom of Information poster....

 Now think about this....

One makes people smile and nod, the other gets you in a cell for disorderly conduct. I wonder how high the index finger has to be to move it from one category to the other....3/4? No, if you examine your own hand, the index finger must be completely erect not to qualify as obscene. Now, think about a rule like that.
"Your honor, this man held up two fingers, but the index finger was only 83% erect, thus he was being obscene."
"Guilty!"

TRUE: I was watching a documentary on Air Force One and when they showed the cockpit I saw this....

 I thought it was cool as shit. A heavy duty painted metal holder for a lowly pencil.

Do I went to Google images, typed in "Air Force One pencil holder" and BOOM! There it was.

I find that fucking awesome.
Do I deserve such power?
Fuck, I don't know.

Just another reason to brush the burger off your breath...

 But what's the stupid bastard doing in a karate outfit?!?

This is a "Corinthian" helmet, which is Greek for "Dick Head".....

I know this is immature. I know it's silly. I know you will think less of me. But I love seeing people look as stupid as I often do...

TRUE: I just found out that there is an international "Draw Mohammed Day".
- you go girl!

 I guess he's not in a kissing mood.

 What the fuck did she expect would happen?
"Stupid hammer! You did exactly what you were designed to do!"

Talent or no, every person on earth needs to do this at least once...

Ike in "I Like Ike" glasses...

....looking like a retard.

My guess is it's Irish...

By the way, they have isolated the disease that caused the Potato Famine and have deduced that it is not extinct.

How could this happen without burning down the house?

One of my very own...

Well, shit....

Precisely.

Don't tell me what to do...

Avid viewer, Scott, found an old gas pump...

Imagine yourself on a driving range....

...how could you not aim for this silly fuck.

And now he gets his ass chewed off...

This has nothing to do with the next images, it was just a cool image that fit right in.....

These are two pictures of a bear eating a camera...true....

If Toy Story was real, they’d spend the whole time talking about the horrors they saw in the Asian factories where they were made.

Speaking of....

Drive-thru food: If you check the bag before you drive off, the chances that they got your order correct is 100%. If you drive off without checking your bag, the chances that your order is correct is 50%.

(and please don't bother to tell me any driving facts about Iran....I don't care.)

Give it a moment....

Another lucky motherfucker...who....walks....away....

This is the Chinese character, biáng, and is made up of 57 strokes - the most complex of their characters...

 It means a kind of noodle soup.

Because I fucking can, that's why....

My wife and I went to a new restaurant, but she was taking much too long on the menu making her choice. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm trying to figure out which meal is gonna get me the most likes."

I love subtlety....

This is my wife at Starbucks when told the Espresso machine was broken...

After these people showed us how, rights are expanding in America.

 I predict that the next oppressed group to seek sympathy will be fat people. Time will tell.

 Did I mention that fractals were used to design the shape of the antenna in your phone?

Giddy up, bitch....

Is it just me or does his grave looked vandalized...

God damn I love stupid people....

To repeat...

You can't drink all day if you don't start in the morning.

AND THEN THERE'S THIS....
There is a news story out of Florida (why is it always Florida?!) where an 18 year old girl (a legal adult) is being prosecuted for a sex crime for having sex with another girl who was not yet 18 (thus a minor)....they both attended the same high school.
I think this whole bullshit problem could be solved if every boy and girl of 18 who had had sex with another girl or boy under 18 came forward and admitted to their "crime".
The courts, of course, would be completely overwhelmed.
Now I ask you, Gentle Reader, when you were in high school, did you fuck an underclassman? Of course you did...or should have done if you had been attractive enough.