TUESDAY #1531

HOW I KNOW I'M GOING TO HELL...
I was sitting in my bar when the bartender took a phone call telling him to switch to the weather channel. He did and we watched live as the tornado ripped through the most unlucky town in America, Moore, Oklahoma.
It took me about three minutes to come up with a drinking game.
Every time someone on TV said these words everyone had to take a swig:
Devastation
Debris
Decimation (Decimated)
Demolished
When they said "War Zone" you had to chug your whole drink and order another.
"Apocalyptic" and everybody went outside and smoked a joint.
We all had a pretty good buzz in the first half hour.
I started an over/under bet of the first "Sounded like a freight train" and I won the pot with my bet of 8 minutes.


Then someone on TV said, "We are just praying for god's mercy that so-and-so is safe."
I said, "She wants to pray for mercy from the same god that just sent the fucking tornado?"
A guy I don't know very well said, "That's all you can do."
I said, "That kind of sounds like Stockholm Syndrome to me."

TV interview of a man who had to dig himself out of his storm cellar.
"Was this a shock to you?"
"Yes."
"Were you afraid?"
"Yes."
"What are you going to do about your house?"
He shrugs and says, "Hell, I got insurance."

Well, it can't be disproved, so there must be nodding agnostics out there musing, "Could be."

When you get ready to paint straight edges using masking tape, try painting the edges with a clear sealant first. If the clear seeps under the tape, it won't matter and it will block the color paint from doing the same... 

Let's review the rules:

The width of the eye is the same as the distance between the eyes, which is the same as the width of the nose. Two widths of the eye is how wide a relaxed mouth is, which is exactly the distance from pupil to pupil...

Air Force One is longer than the White House.

TRUE: Watched a documentary about drones. While looking through the actual gun sights of a UAV, the voiceover said, "UAV's can conduct very complex assignments without risking a single life." At that moment the truck in the crosshairs exploded. 

I think he hadn't thought the whole concept through.

I watched the Spanish soccer championship game. Everybody at the bar thought the referee had "Yellow Fever" because of all the yellow cards he was passing out.
Think I'm exaggerating? He threw RONALDO out of the game!.....and his fucking coach!!!!

You do realize that in the Preamble, "in order to form a more perfect" union is quite ridiculous.

Mobile printed 3D...

I have joined the flip-flop crowd.
I should have done this long, long ago.
I don't even know they are on my feet...I swear. These things are great....and cheap!


Oh, look, a handy coat buttoning rule card...

And this guy follows attire rules just like the guy with the fucking coat button "rules"...

I don't really dislike societal rules...

...as long as they are helpful and logical. "Let's all drive on the right side of the road" is a very, very good idea.  "You must wear high-heeled shoes to work" is an awful idea and should be rejected.

 Whenever I feel compelled to do this or that, I always weigh the cost to the benefit. I question the motivation of the rule maker. If I am told that the restaurant requires the wearing of socks for admittance I ask for the manager. I can usually find a woman who is not wearing socks to point out to him.
I'm still not allowed to stay, but it nonetheless makes me feel empowered.

I think the above statement was meant to remind you to work hard and overcome hardship, etc. But I take it literally. You tell me I can't smoke (play poker, have a woman, throw a knife, bring my own snacks, take a beer outside, etc), and I will find a way to prove to you that I, in fact, can. Surprisingly, the penalty for getting caught is often surprisingly minimal.

Let's revisit cellphone addiction....

This man is standing in the incredible landscape taking in the smells, feeling the breeze on his face, detecting the voices of the fauna, and just experiencing where he is.

Most people today would see the whole scene via the small screen on their cellphone; then post it on Facebook and walk away.

TRUE: My friend has a flickering flame from a lighter on his cellphone to be held up at rock concerts.
How fucking sick is that?

We all knew this, but it's good to be reminded from time to time...

Successful parenting is finding Pink Floyd on you kid's iPod.

This is a not so subtle effort to stop the sale of Tesla Automobiles in North Carolina.

Obviously, Tesla didn't contribute enough money to the NC politicians.

Don't you think they are contaminating the shit out of it just by being in the room, much less sticking their fucking fingers in it.

I feel sorry for people who don't have dogs. I hear they have to pick up their own food when it falls on the floor.

My wife is one of those people whose laugh is funnier than their joke...but it still makes you laugh.

I asked a young friend I hadn't seen in a while how he was doing and he said, "My laptop screen is brighter than my future."

He's got good old Chicago politics in his fucking DNA...

...reward your friends and punish your enemies.

He looks more like a homeless guy than I do...

One of my very own...

How many things can you find wrong with this picture?

What if saliva is just your taste buds jacking off to attractive food?

Speaking of people without legs...

Hold on. Tea Party groups are surprised they got audited. Did you or did you not name yourself after an illegal tax revolt.

As you could probably guess, I like artwork like this very much. The notion of "Entertaining the Eye" would get a full workout with this...

This door only becomes transparent when it's unlocked...

Speak of...
I see this sort of thing in many movies set in New York...

You would think a person who is that paranoid would feel safer with a weapon in his home...

I'm all that's left of a very bizarre childhood.

Back in my day we didn't get Facebook timeline unexpectedly. We got polo!

I keep having the same nightmare every time I wake up.

Any guy can look cool on a motorcycle, but if you really want to know what kind of man he is, you've got to watch him walk through a spider web.

1000 words...

Dearest Gentle Reader,
I wrote the whole tornado bullshit at the beginning of this post before I knew there were those babies killed at that school. I almost erased it, but now just hope you will understand that there is nothing we can do and erasing it would change nothing.