FRIDAY #1567

I predicted in an earlier post that Spain would beat Tahiti by double digits. I don't like watching sporting events alone, so today I went to my new bar. I don't often take over a bar....okay, I often take over bars if I sit there long enough....but today was special. It didn't take long before the whole bar (employees and patrons) was cheering when Spain scored me closer to my prediction of a double digit win. It was a thing to behold when the tenth goal was scored and the bar erupted as if the USA had won the World Cup. The final score was 10 - 0.
Now you know why I bet on sports....because I'm fucking good at it.

RIOTING 101: A Tutorial

This child has just been teargassed by her government. Does she look scared? Does she look disappointed? No. She looks pissed. I think the world needs more pissed off people...

She and her grandfather escaped the gas in a Burger King...a Burger King. And no innocent bystander, she. She wore her goggles knowing this was going to happen...

 ...and her grandfather let her.

The strategy of just standing around is brilliant. Non-violence is a necessity. These people have spent countless amounts of their tax dollars training and arming police and army to put down any violence....so, by god, get yourself a Plan B...

Even non-participants are offering their support...

Look at this child's beautiful face. She doesn't even look pissed off. She looks disappointed. From her point of view her government has let the people down and she is fighting back the only way she can...

I often wonder if I would be one of the ones cowering in the corner when the shit hits the fan...

 Or would I be like this know-no-fear motherfucker...

I meant to save another picture, but didn't. It showed a 90 year old great-grandmother mixing a solution to ease the effects of tear gas for her grandchildren to use when they yet again took to the streets. I like to think that's what I would do....mix the solution, I mean.

And if you are wondering where, exactly, the above pictures came from....does it really matter? 
Not to me.

When trying to persuade someone to do something, give them two options. People don't like to selecting outside the options.
Example: "You want me to pick you up at 7 or 7:30."

When talking to someone, if you copy their posture, they will subconsciously perceive you as a friendlier person.

IF MY JOKES OFFEND YOU:
1. I'm sorry.
2. It won't happen again.
3. 1 & 2 are lies.
4. You're a pussy.

Does. Not. Compute.

This is the way my wife looks every time I walk into a casino...or learns that I've picked out the evening's movie...

A blow-up bra because women lie with impunity...

It's like their fucking job!

Photographs that you don't just "snap"....

This is a kit to make your own operating camera...

1. Look me in the eyes. Do not break my gaze.
2. Tell me what you had for lunch three days ago.
The person probably can't remember. It's a lot harder to access that memory without moving the eyes.

I can't decide if I'm indecisive or not.

This is me listening to a lecture from a vegetarian...

Remember when we were so upset about the Hanoi Hilton and North Vietnam locking up our pilots for years and years? They were but amateurs...

The date of birth on Mayor Koch’s tomstone reads Dec. 12, 1942 instead of 1924.

Loooook on the briiiiiight side of life...

Other than that, how was your walk?

Oh, look, a kick boxer to the rescue...albeit probably drunk...

Just another reason for concealed weapons. Where I come from that beast would be dinner.
And don't you know the spectators lounging near the building are busting a fucking gut. Had I been there, there would have been an over/under on when he got knocked on his ass.

A hurricane-proof house...or so they say...

I walked around the grocery store with my wife and took notes. I recorded what rows she went down first, then second, etc. I then sat down with her and talked about everything she would ever want to buy. Then I made a shopping list in order so that she wouldn't have to skip around and put that list on the refrigerator. When we ran out of something or thought of something we wanted, we just checked it on the list. But if you do it, have a few blank lines for each section cause there is always something you have forgotten to include.


I want his job...

I bet he can do it with a beer in one hand.

Sometimes I like to pretend I'm a professional tennis play by wiping my face on a towel every 30 seconds then throwing it at a child.

ISS in front of moon...again...

At my daughters' pediatrician's I liked to circle Waldo just to fuck with the other kids.

That's raw fucking power...

At first I thought it was on a loop, but no.

At exactly what point does CPR turn into necrophilia?

One of my very own...

That's cool and all, but then you have to walk down the street carrying it...

I bet these boys learned to fight very early in life...

Never hang out with anyone who says "feminist" the same way Draco Malfoy says "mudblood".

Statistics are strange things...

So, what does that tell you? Is America racist? Yes. Are there more black murderers? Yes.

Unless, of course, you come upon that one fucking perverts who LIKES hairy legs...

I hate when the tip of my dick touches the inside of the toilet when I'm taking a shit.

Potters in China used to "sign" there work by pressing their fingerprint into the bottom of the pot. I find that cool as fucking shit.

1000 Words...

You wouldn't do this, would you? Exactly...

Have you ever seen a horror movie when the victim is running from the monster in the woods and they are wearing high heels and the whole audience is screaming for her to take them off? Yeah, me too. I'm the guy screaming, "Think of your arches!"

This is what a mass-murderer looks like...on one of his good days...

Many times as I review my post I decide that the OOMVO is not good enough to stand alone, and offer another. Today is such a day...

THERE WILL BE NO POST TOMORROW.