WEDNESDAY #1672

You can always creep people out by introducing a safe word in nonsexual context.
Example: "Let's go sit at the bar. The safe word is 'banjo'."

I find that a well-placed "Ohhhh shit, yeah" really brings Shakespeare's sonnets to life.



I have no idea...

Sometimes I accidentally take 3 hour naps.

Young Man Advice #343: Marry a woman who looks sexy while disappointed.

There are 3 billion women who don't look like supermodels and only 8 who do.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

I didn't say you were stupid. But you're not exactly on the zombie menu either.

My idea of a 'Happy Meal' is a beer, a Xanax and a chocolate chip cookie.

My wife tried out the cook book her mother gave her. She ended up summoning a coven of demons.



Go figure...

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left behind by those who hustle.

There are no laws regarding naming your kid.
There should be.



Hellooooo, there.....

I bet he practiced this look in front of a mirror until he got it just right...

If you stare at the black dot, the moving gray bar will turn bright blue or green...

Actually, you can stare just about anywhere but the moving gray bar to get the same effect.

One of my very own...

Believing in karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated like shit had it coming.

Flying snakes....now we are really fucked...

Oh, look, another clip from Russia...

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

Living next to a garbage dump...

I saw this exact same scene in Mexico.

Alexander Graham Bell giving a kiss...

...and check out those shoes.

Why women gain weight after they marry:
A single woman comes home, sees what's in the fridge and goes to bed. A married woman comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.

Baby in a blender?

 No. It's how they x-ray infants.

I gave up trying to make ends meet. Now I'm happy if they just wave at each other from the corner.

A worker pondering the Berlin wall...

Remember when I told you that these things grow for all their lives and could, theoretically, live forever?

Eisenhower and I would both agree that WWII was won with logistics...

If I drunk email you and you're sleeping...don't email me in the morning...that ship has sailed.

My wife can go from zero to naked in 2.5 bottles of wine.

How you get a hardboiled egg out of a shell...

 But how do you get the egg out of the bottle?

Various images I lingered on...

I watched a video pondering the objective reality of mathematics, and running down all the different schools of thought on where mathematical truth comes from -- does it exist outside of systems of codification by intelligent beings, as an eternal part of the universe; or is it something that we invent through codification? Was it discovered or invented. Other sciences study "things": insects, forces of the universe, animals, human behavior, etc. Math studies math.

The difference between men and woman in one little clip...

AND THEN THERE'S THIS...
At night I have been taking some heavy-duty pain pills for my back and they have given me some unbelievably vivid dreams.
Last night I dreamed that all my sisters, my brother and I were all gathered someplace and somebody brought over a box of puppies and let them loose on the lawn. After everyone made their selection, I was left with the puppy that had an array of chicken feathers where the tail should be. The feathers were very scragglely, but they were spread out like a peacock. I liked it very much and toyed with what to name it. I rejected "Had" for Hen And Dog; "Dac" for Dog And Chicken; and several more.
When I woke up the next morning I discovered that somebody had trimmed all the feathers down to the nub....looking like short straws sticking out of its butt. I was furious and asked who did it. My very religious sister admitted that she had because, "It's just not naturally and wasn't what god intended."
I screamed but I've already named it Tio!"
Tio stands for Two In One.
And I dreamed that.